Ok. I like don't know exactly where to start...

I'm usually a pretty outgoing person and make friends easily in new social situations, but I usually don't take the casual friendships I create in these situations beyond that. There are just certain values I like people to have before I will develop a personal relationship with them. Its like a genuineness and willingness to help others and care for others more than themselves. So I do find it hard to get close friends and have only found a few.

But anyway, when I find a girl that I really like (because of their personality I observe) I just find it extremely hard to talk to them and can never get to the point of asking them out. Its like while in just casual relationships I have no problems talking to girls, all of a sudden I find it very difficult and definitely find it harder if other people are listening/watching.

So like this happened once 2 years ago and I never got around to talking to the girl, but then I eventually found out she drinks and lost interest in her because of that.

But then there's this other girl who like is really quiet and all and the first two years I knew her I only heard her speak 2 words to anyone. With her, I had the same problem. Could hardly talk to her. Finally worked up the courage to ask her for an email address, but was never really clear with the fact that I liked her. But eventually I pseudo asked her out, just asked her to lunch to give her some information, and by then she knew that I liked her and I guess sorta got scared by it, and told me to just email her the information..... so like an idiot, I did that and so much more, explaining that I liked her and why I liked her, and of course I got no response. So I just avoided her for the rest of the year (I was a senior in high school and she was a junior) and haven't spoken to her since, but have tried to email her, but I don't even know if her email address is the same, as I never heard anything back.

This is all a big cause of my depression. I've wanted to call her but can't because I just go in to too much what if thinking like what if her parents answer or its her machine or she doesn't remember me or doesn't want to talk to me and it all goes around in my head and makes me freeze and not do anything.

Well like, last time I saw her was in june, she's a senior this year and I've graduated but I keep thinking of her which is stupid because I haven't seen her for so long and I hardly know her but there's something that just seems to draw me to her because of her personality and her interests (which are very similar to mine). its not love I dont think... I don't know what it is.

Recently, there was a whole series of events that led up to me watching the movie The Lion King, which is what started my depression spiral off and has made me think about her even more, everything with the relationship between Simba and Nala and all and the fact that I don't have a relationship which I want. So I've been talking to my therapist who says I really should call her and talk to her and get to know her. I think I might be able to but I don't know. We sorta had this running joke last year about our favorite American football teams and there are some interesting things going on with them this year and I thought that would be a good reason to call on Monday.

But my problem is how can i stop all the what if thinking with her or with any one else even if things don't end up working out between me and her. It really sux that when I find a girl I like I freeze up and can't ask her out or anything. I just want to get past the what if thinking. I'm on citalopram 20 mg and my doctor plans on upping my dose, but I wonder if there's anything else I can do besides the medicine. I also worry about being a stalker cuz I look her name up on google and look for pictures of her on the school website and the last thing I would want is to make her feel uncomfortable and I'm afraid I'd come across in the wrong way.

Please help me understand why I'm feeling this way.....