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Thread: The Battle that Rages in my Head

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    , , United Kingdom.

    The Battle that Rages in my Head

    I've been anxious pretty much for 3 months now. It all started when I found a lump on my testicle - this lead to my first ever panic attack (a week later, I guess all the worrying caught up with me).

    Anyhow, over the last few months there's been a constant two sided conversation in my head between my positive and negative thoughts. Its almost like a cartoon angel and devil sitting on my shoulder, and its driving me nuts.

    Italic Font - Mr Negative
    Normal Font - Mr Positive.


    In General

    You had testicular cancer 3 months ago. The tumor was removed, but you've since developed all the classic signs of a brain tumor haven't you? You didn't catch it in time, it spread to your neck and then into your brain. They only scanned your from the chest downwards. This type of cancer doesn't show up in the blood 30% of the time. The doctors, pathologists, oncologists and your optician are incompetent and don't know what they are doing.

    Rubbish. The biopsy showed a very small tumor, and there was no sign of invasion, not even microscopic. What are the chances that its spread to your neck and brain given all the proffesionals you've seen, plus all the negative test results, plus the extreme unlikelyhood of it ever spreading to the brain before first showing up in the abdomen and lungs? Practically zero. And even after that it must be a pretty crafty brain tumor to avoid detection by two oncologists, two doctors and an optician.

    The only thing that's wrong with you is that you have anxiety. You are cured. If anything, you have survivor guilt syndrome. It all happened so fast, and you were 'cured' so quickly that you somehow felt cheated - You have surgery, a week later you see an oncologist who gives you the all clear and then you're left alone with your thoughts.

    On top of this you have to remember that just after being diagnosed, you were CONVINCED you had lung cancer. By the time you were sat in the urologist's office, you could bearly breathe out of one lung. Remember? You said it felt like it was made of lead. You were so convinced that the first thing the urologist did was send you straight for an X-Ray. An hour after you got the news that your lungs looked 'fine', you're breathing returned to normal. And you haven't had a SINGLE problem with it since. Not even a twinge.

    And if that wasn't enough, weren't you getting horrible stabbing pains and cramps in your abdomen and terrible back pain in the days leading up to your CT scan? Again, you were absolutely CONVINCED you had tumors in several lymph nodes in your abdomen. And so what happened when you got the CT scan results? That's right, you haven't had a single twinge in that area since.

    See a pattern here? Anxiety causes a tightness of the chest. Anxiety causes abdomen problems (IBS and co) and its psychosomatic style can amplify a slight back ache into a crippling one. The reason you're focused on your neck and head is that its the only two places they HAVEN'T scanned. Don't forget that.


    Headaches are a classic sign of a brain tumor. And you've pretty much had a headache in one form or another for the last two and a half months. No headaches last that long. You rearly suffered from headaches before this. Its obviously a tumor. Its worse when you lie down. Which is bad news. Because extra blood pressure to your brain causes it to ache more.

    Remember how you first described the headaches to your GP the first time you went to see him? That's right, you described it as having a vice around your head. Sounds an awful lot like the classic tension 'headband' headache doesn't it? Remember you telling the GP about the headache at the base of your skull? Tension in the neck.

    Remember that your jaw hurt the same time? Remember using that massaging machine on it? Remember how it made the jaw pain much worse and you had to sleep sitting up in bed that night? Well what you did there was cause and effect. You made the muscles in your neck and jaw ache worse, making your headache muc

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    , , United Kingdom.
    This is a fantastic example of how so many of us have /are feeling and the internal monologues that go on .

    Thank you so much for taking the trouble for writing it all down here.

    The good news is that as you practice it again and again and time passes and you're still standing - the positive/ rational ones start to gain ground. It's is not instant and you may not evne think its happening but as you think back you will be able to identify pieces where it has already happened !

    Good on you - its great progress to be able to see the rational aspect


    Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
    Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2005
    , , United Kingdom.
    Wow, that really is something.

    I have EXACTLY the same internal monologue. The difference being that I don't think I have a brain tumour - my Mr Negative tells me that the small amount of recreational drugs I have partaken in in the past have fried my brain and I am never going to get better.

    There was a while where I told myself that I had CJD, but this passed. My anxiety rises when Mr Negative makes me search the internet for my symptoms. I am learning to not do this.

    Thanks a lot for posting that - it really makes me realise I'm not alone in what my brain is doing to me. The physical symptoms you have are EXACTLY like mine as well.

    Give Mr Positive a pat on the back every now and then - tell him he's doing a great job. You've got to motivate your workers sometimes!


    *** I think, therefore I'm anxious ***

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    , , United Kingdom.
    wow, thank you so much for taking the time to write that i am now going to print it off and re-read at regular intervals, take care and keep in touch xx

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    , , USA.
    I usually just read here to try to find a little bit of a common bond with people who have the same issue as I do, but I felt compelled to register and post to thank you for taking the time to verbalize what goes on in so many of our heads. I didn't even know what globus hystericus was until I read what you wrote, and after looking it up I realized its the exact thing that always happens to me when my anxiety acts up. For some reason I had decided it was Hodgkin's disease even though its not even a symptom, and I of course don't have a single other symptom whatsoever. I'm far from being an expert, but it sounds to me like you've got great insight into the tricks your mind is playing on you and I'm confident you're going to be just fine. Thanks again!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    , , United Kingdom.
    What a great post, ive read it a few times now

    thanks for that

    kairen x

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    , , United Kingdom.
    great post man
    take care

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    , , United Kingdom.
    Thanks so much for that. it's so true and informative and you can see just how easy those irrational thoughts get out of hand huh!

    Thanks again,

    Take Care,

    Love PIP'S X

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    , , United Kingdom.
    Your post reminded me of the battle that raged inside my own head.
    It's so easy to fight with others, but the hardest thing is to fight with
    yourself. I battled for a long time with Mr Negative, always, like you,
    chipping away at him with positive thougths. There were times when
    I was soooo tierd and Mr Negative would jump in and say "your going
    to be like this for the rest of your life :(
    Mrs Positeve "NO this is soooo NOT TRUE, there are sooo many special
    people on nomorepanic that have got better, if thay CAN DO IT so can
    I have not had a PA in a long time and NO high anxiaty attacks.
    This is a hard battle, but one worth fighting because you WILL WIN
    in the end.
    What I found helped was reading a book on how the mind works, how
    we are being proggamed all day every day. It helped me understand
    that I could re-proggrame my thougths.
    Keep chipping away at Mr Negative with Mrs Positive, as time goes on
    Mrs Positive WILL get louder and louder.
    Many thanks for your post.




    Believe it can be done.
    When you believe something can be done,
    really believe, your mind WILL find ways to do it.
    Believing a solution paves the way to a solution.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    , , USA.
    I swear I was reading about myself, except for the part about your testicle.. LOL! [:I]
    I wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time! This is exactly the conversations I have with myself!
    Is this posted where the rest of the personal stories are? If not, IT SHOULD BE!!
    Thank you for boldly revealing what our minds are doing to us!!

    "Honey, if ya ain't feelin' the bumps in the road, ya ain't goin' nowhere!" (A wise Georgia Granny's take on living life to the fullest! LOL!)

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