ONE STEP FORWARD 1 STEP BACK

[Laurie28]

Hiya ALL,

I am really struggling at the moment. Whenever I seem to be getting somewhere i seem to end up taking one step forward and then one backwards!!

Take for instance 2 nights ago.

We were eating chicken fahitas, i had never had that specific kind of seasoning etc and I had a huge panic attack at the table. I was shaking like a leaf and I was close to tears. My boyfriend noticed as i was a mess and caught on straight away it was the fahitas (as i had point blank refused to eat that kind 2 months ago)
He said i can see with every bite u are taking u are panicking - Don't eat them. I tried to explain I had to eat them or I would never get better. 2 hours it took me to calm down -2 hours!!!!!!

I didn't help I knew he was going out soon after dinner and I phoned my best friend to get her to come round but as soon as I started to speak to her she was telling me how bad a day she had so I didn't bother

Does anyone else feel they are getting better-worse-better-worse??

lucky

[Lottie32]

Hi Lucky

Yes, I'm really struggling to stay positive too!

I had a really good summer (for me anyway) and did lots of things I haven't felt able to do for the last few years. I've started going clubbing too, and going to different pubs for drinks at the weekend. My general demeanour felt improved too - I was more relaxed than usual, and was really starting to feel quite positive that the "end" of this was round the corner. (Remember I had quite a few years without any symptoms)

However, for the last couple of weeks, I have been experiencing anxiety most of the time.

It is quite mild, just a gentle "fizz", and I'm aware that I am quite tense. It's starting to get me down, because I am feeling drained by it, and not particularly refreshed when I wake up (I've been trying to do 8 hours every night).

I'm trying not to let it get me down, and fight back, so I decided I would put my money where my mouth is, and join the gym. I'm having an assessment tomorrow afternoon, and I'm dreading it! How stupid is that. I can't believe that I am anxious about going to the local leisure centre, having my pulse taken and doing a few steps on the tread mill. Then I've got to meet some friends, and we are setting up a Santas grotto in the meeting room, along with stalls, ready for a christmas coffee morning on Saturday. Can you believe I am anxious about doing that too! And tonight I am going to some friends 3 miles away, to help decorate a gingerbread nativity scene to raffle off on Saturday, and I'm freaking out about that!

My emotions are very mixed up, I could cry, because I feel that I'm slipping, but then I'm angry, because I'm not where I wanted to be by this time this year.

I discussed it with my counsellor, and she said it was ok, and not to worry, very few people get better without having a bit of regression first!

So I decided that I am going to put myself "on hold" at the minute, and not try anything else "new", until I have stabilised myself a bit better. BUT I AM going to continue to do the things I have already achieved, even if they make me feel anxious and quite poorly. I'm also going to do the whole gym thing tomorrow. (Then thats it for new things for a while whilst I get into that).

I think you are doing really well Lucky. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are still making progress too you silly mare - like you said - two months ago you wouldn't have eaten them. At least now you tried to eat them, so you are moving on. I think your'e just disappointed that you didn't manage to eat a whole one!

Please try not to get too upset about it. And remember, it's a bad time of year for most people with the dark mornings and nights, the cold drab wet days, Xmas looming, false cheer, and being forced to visit people you can't stand, not to mention how physically tiring it all is, and how expensive it can get if you are not careful, and how stress ful that is!!

E-mail me your address (if you want to), and I'll send you something to cheer you up!

Love

Charlie

[Laurie28]

I've been a member of the gym for months but might go this weekend. I love the gym but every time i start smoking again i stop going. my gym is small and i like it that way. I hope u enjoy it!!

There is something about jogging that is very therapeutic (to me anyway!!

What is your e-mail address as I can't send through this forum as it is a friends e-mail address I have used!!

love
lucky

[Lottie32]

Hi Lucky

It's lottiep@fsmail.net



Charlie

[sarah]

Hiya charlie and lucky

I think you have just posted spot on how i feel. Im feeling really down at the moment and seem to be having more panic than usual. I too had a great summer and even went abroad for a holiday. (just thinking about it makes me shake now). I cant seem to shake myself out of it or do anything to help myself. My husband is getting cross with me and im getting fed up with myself too.
I have a sneaky feeling it might be the weather and the impending xmas. There are other things im worried about at the mo which isnt helping but at least they are 'real' things that i feel allowed to worry about.

Sarah
xx

[diana]

Hi All,

I too have been feeling exceptionally anxious lately. Though like you all mentioned I have put it off as the holiday hussle and bussle. Don`t worry Charlie you are not alone, I am definitely no where near where I wanted to be by this time this year. I have not even done "ANY" Christmas decorating yet. I just don`t feel up to it. Any ideas from anyone on how to get into the spirit???? The weather has been so dreary, grey and cold, I think too that might be a factor. It just does`nt feel like Christmas to me, though I have done most of my shopping, but no wrapping or decorating!!!!! Lucky don`t beat yourself up, you`ve definitely moved forward. Like you said two months ago you would not even have attempted to eat those d*** fajitas, but you did eat, so congratulations to you for pushing forward and trying. That is all we can do. Keep up the positive thoughts and actions.

Take care all,

Diana xxx

[Lottie32]

Just knowing it's not only me makes me feel better. Thanks girls. The weather doesn't help - its just turned 3pm and dark outside already.

Fortunately I have done practically all my Xmas shopping, and am just in the mood to say a**e to anything I've not done yet!

Spent £38 at the Reebok factory shop on gym stuff - so got to go now!!!

I think we should all make a conscious effort not to slip any further down the ladder, and "hibernate" until the better weather!

Sarah - sorry you're feeling like you are - hope the hubby isn't giving you too much of a hard time! It must be frustrating for him that you had seemed so well in the summer, and not you aren't quite as well as you were, but I'm sure him being cross isn't helping your case at all! It's very frustrating when people don't understand!

Diana - sorry you're feeling anxious too! There must be something in the Xmas/weather/time of year thing though, so I suppose that makes it easier. I never worry about worrying about things that are ok to worry about (unexpected big bill and having to put it on my visa for a month), but I worry more when I am worried and don't have anything to worry about, because I shouldn't have any worries!!!!!

Thanks again - I've just about convinced myself it a seasonal thing now I know I'm not the only one - so I'm going to stop worrying about why I'm worrying and just accept it!!!!

Love

Charlie

[benoo5]

every one of you ladies that have posted on this topic,have made great progress..so dont forget that!

i read most of the posts,and from afar i can usually tell,who is doing well,who is doing badly,and those who just stay the same,month in ,month out.

as ive said,ALL you ladies,are doing great..i think its down to the horrible weather,and of course xmas.

but its nearly DEC21st...so what? you say,well from that day onwards,it gets lighter,by one minute a day...so JAN21st,it will be 30MINS LIGHTER,THAN NOW.

something to look forward to!...bryan.

[Meg]

Dear All,

The graph to recovery is not a straight line diagnally up - ever - as far as I can tell from me and others.

I'll email you a version .



Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[nomorepanic]

Hi all

I am having a few mixed days at the moment. Meg came to see me at the weekend and I was so positive about the next steps and I have sat in several traffic jams.

Yesterday, however, I just couldn't be bothered with things. You may have noticed the lack of replies to this forum and I even left some emails un-answered. I struggled into the Chat room last night but even that lost my attention.

I think we all have days like this. I was not panicky or depressed I was just "not myself".

I do still get miserable and I get angry and I do think the weather makes us feel worse.

I drove to work in thick fog on Wednesday and pouring rain today and I was quite drained by the time I got there cos it was stressful.

I also find that I am like one of those wind up toys - I start the week off positively and alive. By Wednesday the lack of sleep gets to me and by Friday I am drained. I then sleep at the weekends and someone winds me up again and off I go.

My problem is definitely sleep related cos I just get more and more tired as the week goes on.

Alex left me last night (I usually leave him and sleep in the spare room). I asked him if I was snoring and he said "no - I just wanted you to get a good nights sleep". Bless him. I still woke up at 5ish and cos I didn't go to bed till 11.30 I was tired. I have tried going to bed early but I just lay there and play my tape.

Anyway, I hope you are all feeling better this evening and try to remain positive. I know it is hard - us panickers have to fight a constant battle to get well and that can be draining.

Chin up and like Bryan said look at how well you are doing.

Love to all

xx

Nicola