Update:

Im still functioning at about 90% anx free

Im now working for the NHS with a decent wage and benefits.

My anxiety is somehow tied in with my depression and lack of love for myself. Trying to forgive the people who have wronged me in the hope to forgive my own mistakes. Relationships are still difficult, 2 more since my last post, believed both to be a good potential suitor only to trump myself again, both times.

Alone again at Christmas, I have mixed feelings about it, watching the Ally McBeal series from beginning to end to listen out for the gems of personal emotional truths, hoping for a ping moment, a catalyst to change, a fresh perspective at least. Find myself reminding to think about the positives I have, still find myself longing for what I dont have.

Some people from a young age know what is they want and who they are, or at least seem to, but not enough of us are truly happy, its become a pursuit of happiness that has all the hallmarks of a heroin addict, we have it, we fall into it, it goes away and we chase it.

Good luck people who still have the triggers for panic attacks, the ones without, you can take control of your life again, try not to feel comfortable with the upset and misery, take back what is yours, small steps, be forgiving of yourself, love your body for all that it has done for you, the negatives are so in your face and obvious that its best to try not even given them the attention they need to keep repeating the cycle.

Small steps, but keep stepping