Tocophobic,emetophobic and yet pregnant

[andie73]

Hi

Some of you on here are aware that I recently found out I was pregnant (Christmas Day) and that it hasn't been too easy for me to cope as being pregnant encompasses my worst fears and phobias. Tocophobia (fear of pregnancy/labour), emetophobia (fear of being sick), hospital phobia and needle phobia, as well as general anxiety and panic attacks. So being pregnant is indeed a challenge though I felt I had to face it as being childless isn't really something I want.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble but I know quite a few people on here suffer from tocophobia and alot suffer from emetophobia, some of whom have put of pregnancy because of it despite wanting children. I was talking to Peach, who is tocophobic( hope she doesn't mind me saying) and she thought it would maybe help others if I made a diary on here for people to read.

So at the risk of boring everyone I thought I would start it as I think something like this would have really helped me through the trauma of shall I go for this or shall I not? And then the trying yet not getting pregnant and the relief yet disappointment that this brought.

So here I am 6 weeks pregnant, still absolutely terrified of everything regarding pregnancy but also just about coping. The pa's have increased as has the general anxiety but part of me can't help feeling that at least ONE major anxiety is now behind me.....shall I get pregnant or not???

So with one down and many to go I know this is not going to be easy for me. In fact it is the greatest challenge of my life.....and I've had some big things happen in my life.

I am almost starting to identitfy with the baby as a baby rather than some alien being that has inhabited my body. This is a major step forward for me as I hated what was happening to me when I first found out and also the last time I was pregnant, which ended in miscarriage. I was almost becoming dysmorphic. I was detached from my body from the head down, which must sound mad, but I would stare at it and feel REAL hatred.

It is very hard and I am taking things hour by hour rather than day by day. I am having to tell myself the same things I told myself a year ago when my anx was really bad. Slow down, drop your shoulders, stand up straight, unclench your hands,loosen your jaw etc etc. I am not going to faint, have a heart attack, go mad, lose control, die, I am at the helm here I just have to steer this ship in the right direction. And bit by bit the self talk is working.

Thanks for listening guys, I have only wonderful things to say about the people who have shown me such utter kindness in the last few weeks. Tigger1964, Hellybelly, Heidigraff, Alihud, Samc100, Peach, Cheekyone, Emmas, Angelai, and so many more of you I could go on forever. THANK YOU

[Angelai]

Hi Andrea, I just wanted to say I think you are incredibly brave - to be facing your fears like this, and writing so honestly about your feelings.

Well done and good luck!

Angel xx

[peach]

hey andrea!

omg, im so so proud of you!


this is wonderful! and your so right, just take each minute...breath,listen to your breath and know that at this very minute...you are alive.....

[andie73]

Hi Guys


Week Seven:

I am still very scared and just don't know how I will ever get through this, but to all you tocophobics out there, you do just muddle along. Yes there are bad moments and I mean bad moments when I just want to scream and quite literally run away and never come back, but the panic passes like any other panic attack.

I saw a programme a few weeks ago about phobias and in it the therapist was exposing the phobics to their fears. Gradually after alot of panic, tears and trying to escape they started to calm down and the fear started to subside. The therapist said that the longer you stay in the fear the less fearful you become and eventually the fear wears itself out. Just like we know happens with a regular panic attack.

I have to say that it's true!!! The more days I have with this pregnancy, the more it becomes less scary. I can't believe I am saying this and I know some of you will think 'yeah yeah, well you are obviously not as tocophobic as me', believe me I was and still am. I get the moments of terror a few times a day, but they pass. And it feels like each time I have a moment of terror I get some benefit from it, like a learning curve. I come out of the scariness more positve than I was when I went into it, if that makes sense.

I have got a date for my first scan, I'm having an early one because of the miscarriage I had last time. I know it will be very hard but it will also hopefully make this pregnancy seem so much more real. I'm sure when I see what we have created I will be so pleased I have actually 'risked' myself to do this. Cos that's what living with tocophobia is like. You really want a child but believe more than anything that getting pregnant will risk your very existance.

My advice to tocophobes is if you want a child, and think you will always regret not having one, then go for it. Like a pa phobias do subside the longer your in the fear zone, if you avoid your fear it will only get stronger. You will regret letting a phobia stop you from achieving what you really want and that will damage your self esteem beyond belief.

All I cling to is the fact that this is 9 months of possible hell, for a life time of happiness at watching my little one grow. We all know that left unchallenged phobias grow stronger. And I truely believe that once I get through this nothing will scare me as much ever again. We would all give anything to be free of fear. Well this way I get rid of the fear and get what I've always wanted.....a child of my own.

[Angelai]

Hi Andrea

It's great you're feeling so positive, keep it up!

[peach]

hi andie!


ok, just spoke to a new doctor- who was fabulous!!!! hes now my new doc!

ok, he said death in pregnancy is almost unheard of these days. he said that docs get a report every 3 years of pregnancy/birth deaths and why thy happened- its for 2 reasons...one is that the woman already had a very serious illness when she fell pregnant and it made the pregnancy too hard,or she was srtuck by lighteningor something along that line..something which we have to live with the possibility pregnant or not....so there you go, it really helped put my mind to ease to hear this,and i hope it might help you a little too.....

im going to go into councelling next month for this and hopefully will grow some guts to start trying a few months later.....there are a lot of pregnancy support places, so you should check in your area...also, my 'new' doc said if you feel a panic attack/anxiety attack coming on then there are very safe meds you can take to help settle you down.

keep posting!!!

[tm_edinburgh]

I never had the 2 phobias you had though so take my comment with a pinch of salt if you like. In the early stages the exhaustion can be so bad that you are quite naturally more likely to be way more tense. Having a MC is also a horrible thing to go through. I suffered an ectopic personally before my son was born.They do say desensitisation is good so I hope you start to feel better soon. Best of luck with you pregnancy.
T x

[lulag]

Hello,

I have just joined this forum this morning, the reason I am feeling so desperate and desolate. I have just read your message and you give me hope that I am not alone. I am crying as I type this.

You see I was diagnosed with tocophobia 2 years ago, after having 3 abortions (which I will never come to terms with, by the way), I have had a year of therapy and thought I was ready. I too am now 6 weeks pregnant, I found out 2 weeks ago and I am absoluntely terrified and feel that I will not get through this. I feel like I am going crazy and NO ONE can help me. I just dont know what to do with myself. I cannot even look at my body, I feel disgusted with myself and I am so depressed, no one understands what I am going through. My friend tells me to keep thinking of the end result, but I cant as I cannot associate what is inside me as a baby, I just see as something that is taking over my body and I do not feel I will get through it and see it to the end, I cannot think beyond now. (I am even scared I am going to die),I just feel like I have lost control of my life and my body and I am terrified what is going to happen to me.

I had a miscarriage 2 months ago and was so devistated, and was so desperate for a baby... but now... all of a sudden, I have no maternal feelings what so ever. I cant get my head around that.

I have a loving husband and a home and a dog that I love like a baby.... But I am not normal, why is this happening to me, I am petrified.... I am having panic attacks.

Sorry to go on, bet any one that reads this will think I am crazy.

Joy xx

[lulag]

Hello,

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your baby, I know how that feels cause it happened to me. Like you say it is the worst thing that can happen because you just dont know how to feel, and its not until it's gone that you want it so badly. I felt so guilty for wanting it to be gone out of my body, I felt like I brought it on... But of course I didnt, it was just purely down to nature. I do know that.

I was desparate to get pregnant again, and now i am after just 2 months, I have forgotten how much I wanted to keep it. Now all I want is for it to be gone again.

I hope that you are ok and you will get pregnant again and conquer this fear..

When I was trying, it was so confusing, I felt relief not being pregnant, but at the same time devastated that I wasnt pregnant. Either way, I lost.

You are right, all people tell me, including my husband, is that it is normal to feel anxious... But little do they know what I am going through... At this point I dont think I will be able to go through it.... I just want it gone.... I cant cope with it being there..... I just want to feel normal again. I am too afraid to go out and hate going to work, because I feel that everyone is looking at me. I know I have got it bad.

I wish I could see it as something that I could love, I wish I could hold my tummy like normal pregnant women.

Thank you for listening to me xxx

[lulag]

Hello again,

I think that you are wise to go and seek help before you try again. I had 3 terminations before I sought help.... and believe me, it is not something I am proud of., I am sickened by what I've done.

I sought help and was diagnosed with Tocophobia and have been having Psychotherapy for a year... It s strange because I found out I was pregnant the day after it fininshed. At the time of the therapy, it gave me hope and I thought I could do it. Trouble is, I just dont know what it is like until I am actually in the situation... I think that is the same with any phobia. Now it is happening all over again.. the therapy has made me stronger though. This will never ever go away. All I can do is take it hour by hour which is what I am doing. It does help to talk about it and it helps to know that I am not the only one... because it does feel that way.

I cant think about the next few months or even if it is born, I can only think of here and now and that is all I can do. I just hope I can get through it thats all. Had a chat with my husband today, and he thinks it is because I dont want his baby inside me. I WISH HE COULD UNDERSTAND. Its not about him, it's me. Things are tough just now.

You should do what you have to do to get through it and a good doctor WILL try to understand and get you help, because they have to. Pychotherapy is good and even if it works a little it is worth it. But you shouldnt be afraid to go to your doctor.

Keep in touch

Joy xx