Hello everyone, new member and first time writer. How many of you can relate to my story? I have determined that I (and likely many of you) suffer from Health Anxiety.
My name is Mike and my story began about three years ago when I was convinced I had a cancer to the point where I didn’t believe when the doctors said that I didn’t. To make a long story short even with all tests negative, I had worked myself into a frenzy which ended me up on benzos and a 9 month battle to wean off them safely (thanks to all the great people at Benzo Island). That experience made me change my life, I began exercising, ate well, had regular massages, “cleaned my closets” by confessing all my past transgressions to my wife and priest. I had become a fitness and nutrition guru and for over two years I have been feeling great and proud of myself over the positive changes I had made.
Recently and out of the blue, however I came down with something that much to my surprise made my anxiety come back. I had been noticing a slight “pressure” or tightness in my throat and thought that my glands were a little swollen. Despite being told by more than one doctor that it was just a viral infection (I did have a slight cold) and that it had to run its course, I of course, thought the worse. I could not get it out of my mind (just like 3 years earlier). The internet only fueled the fire as all the medical web sites gave the gravest news. My body was/is on high alert so of course I could feel every twitch of every nerve. My mind connected each and every potentially related symptom that I had experienced over the previous four weeks, so I began wondering how long I had been actually experiencing these symptoms. At its peak, just after New Years, I was experiencing electric feelings, felt weak and cold, invisible tremors, upset stomach, shortness of breath, you name it. To tell you how ludicrous this was, just a few months before I was feeling proud of the weight I had lost (due to exercising and diet) but earlier this month I thought it due to an illness.
Blood tests showed that there was nothing sinister happening behind the scenes but I even began questioning the validity of the tests. "Were they the right tests?", “Were they taken too early, before all the symptoms showed up?”, “Could my blood samples have been accidentally been switched with someone elses?”. My major symptoms were/are in my throat and neck but even go up into my jaw and down as far as my collar bone.
On the weekend, finally recognizing that this might be a recurrence of anxiety, I tried to distract myself by painting one of the rooms in our house. After painting a short while I thought for sure that the muscles in my neck had swollen, I could barely move my head. I dropped the paint brush and saw a third doctor at a walk-in clinic. I think she was an angel. I already had my negative test results from my family physician but compared to the other doctors she gave me a really good check up on my neck and throat. She was very clear, concise and articulate and mentioned that she saw no irregularities with my throat, tonsils, thyroid, lymph nodes or anywhere but that my neck muscles were somewhat swollen but very tight.
I am here to say that, yes anxiety can re-occur even to those of us who thought we had overcome it. I think that somehow we are wired differently. We amplify everything. Our mind and body make strange and incorrect connections and correlations to other sensations and events. Despite all the physical changes I have made and all psychological changes I thought I had made, I am still susceptible to set-backs. Personally, I am not anxious over anything else, social situations, public speaking, whatever. I had come a long way in overcoming the fear of flying that I had.
I had a much better night last night. The tightness in my neck was significantly reduced and at times almost gone. I had a wonderful sleep but woke this morning with some slight tightness again at the corners of my neck near where it meets the jaw. As I write this, the tension has increased over the course of my work day as has the post nasal drip and saliva. My front and side neck muscles are also more stiff but I conveniently overlook that I have been holding my head in odd positions all day and propping my head up on my chin. I just touch my neck muscles and they’re sore and tight.
I have made an appointment with my past therapist to begin the healing again. This may be something that I will struggle with for all my life. I don’t know, certainly the path to heaven is not an easy one. I am thankful for finding this site (as I was when I found Benzo Island) and just writing this has made me feel a bit better.
MikeH
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to NMP, pleased you found us. I'm sure you will like it here as there is so much advice, information and support. Remember you are never alone.
