Hi Im new and feel like im losing my mind .. i just wanna feel normal

[nervouswreck]

Hi everyone , not sure where to start here.. ive always been a very strong indipendant profesional woman and i thrived on stress ( im a branch manager )Because of my job I had to always be in control,be strong,be a motivator,and basically do my job well ! However I have been off work now for 5 weeks ( never had time off work before ever!) because I just cant do my job anymore .. its like an alien has invaded my body and im not me anymore ! I had sort of been getting a bit p****d off with work for almost a year they just seem to want more and more of my time , i was spending on average around 60hrs a week there so come january this year I just had a bit of a meltdown... i was so stressed out i just couldnt cope . I kept vommiting but only when i was at work when i was at home i was fine . I was so tired but just couldnt sleep, I kept forgetting my partners name ! ? ! I just couldnt concentrate on anything for more than a couple of mins.I was waking up in the morning with this horrendous feeling of dread. I eventually went to see my doc who was very understanding and signed me off work for 2 weeks. when i went back to see her i was no better she suggested i take an anti depressant which i really did not want to do but agreed anyhow.she gave me citalopram 10mgs,however i didnt take them cos everyone was saying "oh try not to take them ,just snap out of it,its the weather ,your just a bit overworked ,you'll be fine in a couple of days "etc so I didnt take them! well a few days later i had what can only be described as a panic attack I was in Wilkinsons and my heart started racing my legs turned to jelly i was sweating and shaking .. i had never experienced anything like that ever.I went back to the docs she suggested i take the citalopram ( which I have ) and has referred me for counselling ! thing is I know there is all sorts of things going on at work and money has gone missing and someone has blamed me ( i am not supposed to know about this but a colleague kindly informed me ) so now there has been this investigation and i know i will have to face this as soon as i go back to work and i just dont want to ! I know i have to if only to clear my name but im just so scared that I'll panic and my words will come out wrong that i'll start shaking etc .. which will make me look guilty cos im such a nervous wreck .. i jump at the slightest thing , i cry for no reason, im like a child ... im someone else, im not me , and i honestly dont have a clue what to do or where to start sorting this mess out .. im back in the docs feb 9th and im sure she will sign me off work again and i just cant afford to stay off any longer but i know i cant go back either cos I can no longer do my job .. please help me !! !

[Andyroo]

Hello - Warning Bad spelling bad grammer

My whole life even as a kid i was involved in a Water Gardening bussniss and well when i turned 16 i was able to work and get payed for it . i was working untill age 20 i the last 2 years i was there worked 7 days a week 13 hours a day... it was like a drug to me.. at that time i was a manager of a certain department and a Sales Rep .. i was always getting a raise it became a game to me Everytime i made more money for the company my boss would be happy and id get a pat on the back and a raise lol well as time went by i met a woman who lived in australia.. we were talking for awhile then i decided to Go on holiday to Australia and so i took a month off my boss was holding my job for me ofcourse.. Anyways i went on holiday and well i knew i liked to work.. i didnt think that i NEEDED to work.... i guess for me it became a addiction.. anyways acouple of weeks off i started getting very very extreemly depressed my girl friend at the time didnt know what was going on.. i started to drink heavily ... and normaly i never really drank i was always busy with work .. then a few days later after grocery shopping i was in a taxi taking home everything i just bought when i started feeling weird in the chest and i felt as if i couldnt breath.. then i started feeling very very hott my face turned red they told me and i had pressure in my wrists and my vision went all blury... i thought i was having a heart attack... so did the people i was with in the taxi they could feel my heart beating threw my chest and my pulse.. it wasnt normal... anyways they rushed me to the hospital and well my blood presure was Dangerously high .. they gave me all kinds of tests.. i was having a panic attack .. and they gave me a tablet that slowed my blood down (i cant remember what it was) anyways they only gave me 1 ... i went home that night thinking it was only a one time thing.. it was a Very rough day .. anyways later on that night it happened again after having intercourse with my Girl friend ... all tho i stepped out of the room because i didnt want her to know it was happening again.. i went and sat down in the lounge room and i tryed to keep calm i thought maybe the doctors were wrong and there was somthing wrong with my heart.. i slept on and off that night for about 10 minutes each time.. it was horrible i thought id feel better in the morning... Anyways morning came i felt miserable.. family took me to my gp who put me on ativan that seemed to be the only thing that could help me at that time.. i starting making a habbit with that drug i had to pop pills every 2 hours just to feel normal.. my holiday was over and it was time to go home .. so i got on the plan (with my Ativan ofcourse) ..made it home my job was waiting for me... i wasnt the same i couldnt consentrate i could sell like i used to not to mention i would still have minor panic attack .. they wouldnt last long because i was popping pills like a mad man.. my boss didnt wanna let me go .. he said i had done to much for the company and he knew i was going threw a rough time in my life.. so instead he sent my to the country to work in green houses growing plants where i didnt have to work with costomers.. it was a less stressful invirment .. so now i was working in green houses growing plants i also worked less hours because i would get tired very easily .. i was always seeing my gp .. oneday i went to see him i have been seeing him my whole like so he talked to me like a friend .. he said Andrew .. look i cant keep giving you thease meds.. you need to get some help this is the last bottle of pills i can give you... i just sat there for awhile .. i said okay i understand.. i went got my pills and decided i was going to take myself off them by taking less and less at a time instead of popping 3 every 2 hours (yes 3 i know i was a mess) i started taking 1 every 2 hours then every 2 days take less then that.. anyways the time came when i was down to my last pill... i was abit scared i made a appointment to see a Psychiatrist he started me out on somthing new (i cant remember the name of the med) Anyways i started taking that for about a week i had at the time i was feeling very weird i felt like i was blacking out alott one time i remember i was alone in my room... i remember i felt pinned down to my bed.. i still honestly dont know to this day what happened .. i tried my hardest to move but i couldnt.. i new everything what was doing on but i felt helpless i couldnt move anything i felt heavy i saw everything in my room but i couldnt move ... i went back to my Psychiatrist and told him what i felt..(tho i never told anyone close to me) he took me off the meds straight away.. he didnt say much about what happened.. infact he didnt say anything but he did say ..Dont take thise anymore throw them out... so i did he gave me somthing else i started taking that and well i didnt feel any better i was still always in a panic Barly able to work .. one morning i woke up with blood all over my pillow... i freaked out.. jumped out of bed.. i tasted blood in my mouth...i ran into the bathroom tried to see where it was coming from .. it was coming from my nose.. so i made a emergency appointment to see my gp and he did not know what was wrong i told him how bad it was he check my bloodpressure wich was pretty high because i was always stressed and in a panic he said that all he can think of is my blood presure was high and that caused the nose bleed... after that i was so fed up with meds and doctors,Psychiatrists .. what ever .. i just stopped taking all the meds they gave me.. i said to myself okay lets see what this thease panic attacks can do to me... when i felt them coming on i didnt try to stop them i wanted to feel every little feeling it could make me feel .. it was like exploring .. i would feel the worst it could do... and i kept doing that over and over any time i felt it ..id let it do its worst... id think to myself come on show me what you got ... oneday they just disapeared... dont get me wrong i still do panic at times and i have really bad health anxiety issues only difference now is i dont really let it interfere in the things i like to do.. i have alott better control over it now.. but i do have my bad days still Trust me.. i know this turned out to be a whole life but you said you were new to this .. we have had our own experiences with this disorder im sharing mine with you and hoping it helps you in some kind of way.

[lorac]

Hi

Welcome to the site, I think you will get some good advice and support on here.

Take care

Carol

[Bob47]

Hi
I can relate to your story. Something similar happened to me about 4 or 5 years ago and I ended up leaving the job after 20+ years. I had been a professional person working at the cutting edge and loved it - but one thing I learnt was "its just a job".
At the time I received counseling and was put on Citalopram. The first few weeks were horrible as they take a couple of weeks to settle down (see the thread on Citalopram) but after a few months I was back to my old self and would recommend them as a mid term strategy. I recently started a new job and when it got stressy my anxiety came back but at least this time I can recognise it and rationalise it. I am now 10 days back into taking Citalopram again and the stress is, once again, leaving.

In the short term, anxiety won't kill you - but it will make you feel like it might. It will make everything seem 10 times worse than it actually is, and you will see disaster at every corner - this is an illusion. Citalopram will rid you of it but it will take a few weeks to really take effect.
Anyone who says 'work through it' or 'take a deep breath' and the particularly unhelpful 'pull yourself together' are not understanding. Sitting at home building on your anxiety without help won't be beneficial. Take some positive action and I wish you luck. Let us know how you get on

[nervouswreck]

thank you , it is good to know there are people on here who can empathise with how im feeling .

[kate iam panic]

hi,this is my first time on here and after reading your words i joined finally found everyones honest opinion and im not on my own,im not going crazy(although thats a matter of opinion),today i have had two strokes a heartattack,brain tuma even though ive had a brain scan ! and they found no tuma,i still believe they have missed it on a bad day,at my worst of worst days,i struggle to act normal taking my oldest to pre-school,and to play with my youngest,i think my brain will just snap and il go mad,they put me an assylum,and i wont see them again,either that or my biggest fear is dying painfully alone or infront of the children,you are not alone my hunny we are all in together and with a good network we will learn to kick,ocd,anxiety and panic attacks in the butt x x x x

[valleybear]

Hi Nervous Wreck
Sorry you are feeling so bad. I believe that the best thing you can do at present is to take the Drs advice and the medication. Sometimes this is really necessary and it won't be forever....just until you feel better. Also I doubt if the Dr will make you return to work while you are not ready to do so.
I know you want to clear things up at work, but it may sort itself out as you don't say you have accused or anything..just talk. Also you will feel better able to sort it out when you feel stronger and calmer. Really, you will improve and you can always chat on here as there are some great people willing to support you. For now take care and sending hugs

[nervouswreck]

Thanks you all for your replys.. ive taken citalopram for 6 days now but cant honestly say that i feel any different but i know its early days yet and that they take a few weeks to work. I cant wait to feel ' normal ' again but am so scared of going back to work .. totally petrified in fact .. even the thought of it reduces me to a gibbering wreck ! I know i should contact my manager and explain things to her but i just cant do it and i know its totally irrational ! My partner has offered to contact her on my behalf but i wont let him cos that would just make me look like a child and im a grown woman who should be able to sort my own life out. I cant even explain to my partner how bad i feel so how the hell am i going to explain things to my boss ?

[valleybear]

Hi Nervouswreck
Please just keep on with the tablets for now and try to just concentratre on feeling a little calmer each day. The problem at work will be sorted out and since you have done nothing wrong you will be able to sort it....when you feel strong enough. Try not to think about going back 'cos you don't need to at present... and it is wasted energy. Sorry, it is so easy to say, but so hard to put into practice. When you see the Dr again let her know how you feel, your health is the most important thing here and when you are better you will feel much more able to sort the rest out. I do feel for you and am thinking of you.

[Troubled girl]

Hi there,

I'm new to the site but i'm desperately looking for people to share some advice/opinions/experiences etc. I was finally diagnosed with depression and anxiety in dec and started on citalopram 20mg. (I've also just started counselling but i dont know if thats helping just yet as ive only had 2 sessions!) Back to the citalopram...I've been on it for 5 1/2 weeks now and from the moment i started taking the first dose i've suffered awfully with the side effects(nausea, dizzyness, constant tiredness, sleeping for 14 + hours at a time, feeling really spaced out, like i'm not really here, headaches, not being able to switch off or sleep becoming really (and mostly irrationally)angry and worst of all and only in the last week or 2 a real increase in my thoughts of suicide and giving up entirely on life...to the point of investigating a way of carrying it out.)
This is'int usually like me cause although the thoughts are there i always try to stay positive and keep them at bay. Anyway this has scared the crap out of me and now i havent taken the citalopram for 5 days now and i don't really know what to do now? any thoughts? i'd be really grateful for any insights?
Intrestingly i have not experienced and major side effects apart from some nausea, pins and needles in my feet and lots of electric shocks!!! I wonder if there are worse side effects yet to come or is this it? Also i feel more aware of my surroundings off the citalopram...less sleepy/tired/spaced out since not taking the drug...has any one else experienced anything similar?
Anyway thanks for letting me have a bit of a rant....
eagerly awaiting some responses/replys!