Re: Hi Im new and feel like im losing my mind .. i just wanna feel normal
Hello - Warning Bad spelling bad grammer
My whole life even as a kid i was involved in a Water Gardening bussniss and well when i turned 16 i was able to work and get payed for it . i was working untill age 20 i the last 2 years i was there worked 7 days a week 13 hours a day... it was like a drug to me.. at that time i was a manager of a certain department and a Sales Rep .. i was always getting a raise it became a game to me Everytime i made more money for the company my boss would be happy and id get a pat on the back and a raise lol well as time went by i met a woman who lived in australia.. we were talking for awhile then i decided to Go on holiday to Australia and so i took a month off my boss was holding my job for me ofcourse.. Anyways i went on holiday and well i knew i liked to work.. i didnt think that i NEEDED to work.... i guess for me it became a addiction.. anyways acouple of weeks off i started getting very very extreemly depressed my girl friend at the time didnt know what was going on.. i started to drink heavily ... and normaly i never really drank i was always busy with work .. then a few days later after grocery shopping i was in a taxi taking home everything i just bought when i started feeling weird in the chest and i felt as if i couldnt breath.. then i started feeling very very hott my face turned red they told me and i had pressure in my wrists and my vision went all blury... i thought i was having a heart attack... so did the people i was with in the taxi they could feel my heart beating threw my chest and my pulse.. it wasnt normal... anyways they rushed me to the hospital and well my blood presure was Dangerously high .. they gave me all kinds of tests.. i was having a panic attack .. and they gave me a tablet that slowed my blood down (i cant remember what it was) anyways they only gave me 1 ... i went home that night thinking it was only a one time thing.. it was a Very rough day .. anyways later on that night it happened again after having intercourse with my Girl friend ... all tho i stepped out of the room because i didnt want her to know it was happening again.. i went and sat down in the lounge room and i tryed to keep calm i thought maybe the doctors were wrong and there was somthing wrong with my heart.. i slept on and off that night for about 10 minutes each time.. it was horrible i thought id feel better in the morning... Anyways morning came i felt miserable.. family took me to my gp who put me on ativan that seemed to be the only thing that could help me at that time.. i starting making a habbit with that drug i had to pop pills every 2 hours just to feel normal.. my holiday was over and it was time to go home .. so i got on the plan (with my Ativan ofcourse) ..made it home my job was waiting for me... i wasnt the same i couldnt consentrate i could sell like i used to not to mention i would still have minor panic attack .. they wouldnt last long because i was popping pills like a mad man.. my boss didnt wanna let me go .. he said i had done to much for the company and he knew i was going threw a rough time in my life.. so instead he sent my to the country to work in green houses growing plants where i didnt have to work with costomers.. it was a less stressful invirment .. so now i was working in green houses growing plants i also worked less hours because i would get tired very easily .. i was always seeing my gp .. oneday i went to see him i have been seeing him my whole like so he talked to me like a friend .. he said Andrew .. look i cant keep giving you thease meds.. you need to get some help this is the last bottle of pills i can give you... i just sat there for awhile .. i said okay i understand.. i went got my pills and decided i was going to take myself off them by taking less and less at a time instead of popping 3 every 2 hours (yes 3 i know i was a mess) i started taking 1 every 2 hours then every 2 days take less then that.. anyways the time came when i was down to my last pill... i was abit scared i made a appointment to see a Psychiatrist he started me out on somthing new (i cant remember the name of the med) Anyways i started taking that for about a week i had at the time i was feeling very weird i felt like i was blacking out alott one time i remember i was alone in my room... i remember i felt pinned down to my bed.. i still honestly dont know to this day what happened .. i tried my hardest to move but i couldnt.. i new everything what was doing on but i felt helpless i couldnt move anything i felt heavy i saw everything in my room but i couldnt move ... i went back to my Psychiatrist and told him what i felt..(tho i never told anyone close to me) he took me off the meds straight away.. he didnt say much about what happened.. infact he didnt say anything but he did say ..Dont take thise anymore throw them out... so i did he gave me somthing else i started taking that and well i didnt feel any better i was still always in a panic Barly able to work .. one morning i woke up with blood all over my pillow... i freaked out.. jumped out of bed.. i tasted blood in my mouth...i ran into the bathroom tried to see where it was coming from .. it was coming from my nose.. so i made a emergency appointment to see my gp and he did not know what was wrong i told him how bad it was he check my bloodpressure wich was pretty high because i was always stressed and in a panic he said that all he can think of is my blood presure was high and that caused the nose bleed... after that i was so fed up with meds and doctors,Psychiatrists .. what ever .. i just stopped taking all the meds they gave me.. i said to myself okay lets see what this thease panic attacks can do to me... when i felt them coming on i didnt try to stop them i wanted to feel every little feeling it could make me feel .. it was like exploring .. i would feel the worst it could do... and i kept doing that over and over any time i felt it ..id let it do its worst... id think to myself come on show me what you got ... oneday they just disapeared... dont get me wrong i still do panic at times and i have really bad health anxiety issues only difference now is i dont really let it interfere in the things i like to do.. i have alott better control over it now.. but i do have my bad days still Trust me.. i know this turned out to be a whole life but you said you were new to this .. we have had our own experiences with this disorder im sharing mine with you and hoping it helps you in some kind of way.
__________________
When you want it
It goes away too fast
Times u hate it
It always seems to last