Agoraphobia so much worse, soz long post

[bluedaisy]

I've not been on the forum for quite a long time - over a year I think - but decided today to find it again and see if anyone can help me.

I've been agoraphobic for nearly 3 years, but until 3 months ago I'd been able to go out with my partner for short walks / cycles / visits to friends etc etc and do a little bit on my own too. Anx/panic always there, but I did my best to keep going out.

Today I realised that it's been over a month since I last left the house. For about 4 months the anxiety has been getting worse and worse, and going outside has become harder and harder. I had a bad panic attack 3 months ago while out walking with my partner (first really big panic attack I've ever had while with him - he's my safe person ... or was), and after that each trip outside got harder and harder with the result that I gradually gave up trying.

So, now I am for the first time in 3 years completely housebound - can't even go into the garden without panicking - and isolated. On the couple of occasions friends/family have visited I've been incredibly anxious and desperate for them to leave, and I even feel more anxious when my partner is home from work than when he's not here. If the phone rings i'm scared to answer it.

Probable causal factor? We moved house in September into a new area, and the stress of moving with agoraphobia precipitated a bit of a breakdown. Plus, the realities of my new situation (as opposed to naive hopes that it would all be better somehow in a new environment) has led to depression and overwhelming sense of 'it'll never be better / i'll never get better'. I've done enough cbt to understand my own negative thought patterns, but evidently not enough to be able to address them or overcome them.

I no longer have any hope at all that I can beat my anxiety/agoraphobia. I've been feeling more and more depressed and anxious and plagued by unrelenting thoughts that suicide is the only way out of this mess.

Sorry for moaning like this - I don't know what advice anyone can give me really, but i wanted to at least try and connect with others who might understand. I feel so very lonely and lost at the moment and nothing seems to offer any hope or consolation.

Don't know what to do anymore - I feel like I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

[Getting by..]

Stop! Go to your GP immediatly (or get him to come to you) print this off and make him read it, you need help and you need it now before this situation gets worse...

I appreciate that you situation is awful and I really, really feel for you but you need to take practical actions as soon as possible. Change is an incredibly difficult for thing for even the most stable of people to deal with so you must not be frsutrated with yourself or your situation. You must give yourself time to adjust and get the help you need now!

[name]

hi Bluedaisy I completely understand how u are feeling i like u am Agoraphobic and though i dont go out very much and never alone or very far.I recovered after 5 years of being housebound and 3 yrs of hard work but relapsed 18mths ago. I also feel that iv had all the help, that i should no how to recover but what i do no is that it takes persistance no matter how hard it gets u have to keep going never give up and never leave when u have an attack. i promise you no matter how severe your phobia is you can and will get better. I cried when i read your message because you also wrote from my heart im in a similar situation to you but i no that i can recover because i did. My relapse came as no surprise it was a lot of very big situations and challenges in a very short time of each other. I promise you with hard work from you and persistance to never give in to your phobia you willl get better start first with baby steps ifs its somthing as small as getting out of bed then its somthing and better than doing nothing, set goals and put time frames on them. i wish you the best of luck and be gentle on yourself you can do this just believe in yourself x

[bluedaisy]

Thanks for replies.

I did try my GP. As I said, I recently moved into a new area, so registered with new surgery (only one for a few miles - it's a rural area). Had a real struggle to see a gp as I needed a home visit for the new patient registration. He eventually came out but was very unsympathetic and basically said agoraphobia/anxiety was not a genuine reason for requiring a home visit and I would remain only partially registered until i attend the surgery.

I saw him because i needed a prescription for asthma inhalers, which he gave me, but he said he could not provide any more prescriptions for my inhalers until i go to the surgery, i.e. would withdraw treatment.

He all but laughed when i asked for referral for help with anx/depression - nothing out here apparently but computerised cbt, for which you need to physically attend a centre a few miles away.

This was two weeks ago and has not helped my mental state. It's extremely upsetting when agoraphobia is dismissed as 'trivial', and after he left i cried for ages and felt awful.

I don't know who else to speak to for 'medical' advice. I paid for my cbt privately in the past, but no longer have the money to access further help privately. The nhs has given me no help, despite frequent requests for support to my previous GP (she was at least quite sympathetic and put me on a couple of waiting lists for therapy - never received any though after two years of waiting).

I can't stop crying today and the thought of even trying to engage with the nhs makes me shudder.

[Getting by..]

May not work but have you conisdered calling NHS Direct instead, I have a couple of times and they have been really helpful - they maybe able to put you in touch with other GP's etc - also is that the only GP at that surgery? Call and ask for the names of all the GP's and see if you can get a different one to come out to you......

I feel really frsutrated for you and I think it is dreadful that you can not get the support you need, I also think your GP sounds like an idiot and I would consider making a compliant about how you have been treated.

Could your husband do anything, my partner is very, very good at casuing a fuss when he feels it is necessary and having someone else do this for you may make it easier.

[bluedaisy]

There are 3 gps, so i could try another one i guess. It sounds stupid because obviously you need a gp when you're ill, but i feel like i couldn't cope with even trying to arrange it until i feel a little better. I don't want meds, i want some form of talking/behavioural therapy help if possible.

Not sure my partner would be much use, he's not confrontational enough.

[bluedaisy]

hi Bluedaisy I completely understand how u are feeling i like u am Agoraphobic and though i dont go out very much and never alone or very far.I recovered after 5 years of being housebound and 3 yrs of hard work but relapsed 18mths ago.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. It's such an awful way to live isn't it? Hope you're ok.

[reachersgal]

Hi, I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I completely understand why you feel so low - I have been there so many times. PLease ring for help if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself. NHS direct are really good - I rang them in the midst of a panic attack and the lovely nurse was so lovely I actually felt better after speaking to her. She said to ring back anytime. I'd encourage you to try another GP.

I also think you have been throught a really stressful time - moving is stressful anyway but dealing with agoraphobia as well makes it so mcuh worse. I have experienced a feeling that something would be better when.... such and such happened in my life - just for that to happen and me to realise that I'm still not ok etc, just as you describe - at that particualr point I thought no more want to go to sleep and wake up better.

I do want to say that you will get there, however long it takes. I am learning that this journey I am on is like taking little baby steps. Sometimes one forward and 10 back but it's all a step in the right direction.

Don't give up

I hope this doesn't sound too daft, but I read once about butterflies emerging from a chrysallis. They have to experience the exhausting battle to break out of that chysallis to become a beautiful butterfly. If they don't do this for themselves they will not survive. I feel that my own battle with agoraphobia and panic/anxiety is like that process, for some reason I have to experince this (as gutwrenchingly aweful as it is) to be the person I was designed to be, and to be everything that i can possible be. (I've experienced a lot of situations that have contributed to how I am).

You are on the right path, please keep in touch and let us know how you are - we are all here for you.

I send a great big hug to you.

[bananas13]

let me just say I FEEL YOUR PAIN!! i'm suffering from the same thing... its awful. if anyone has advice, please let me know how to deal...

[PHOBIA MAN]

Hi all, obviously I can't do 1 on 1 in person but if anybody would be interested in free mp3 tracks for anxiety/phobias I will gladly sent you them, but i would rather you contact me via the private message to avoid me getting spammed.
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I'm a hypnotherapist/NLP practitioner in Norfolk UK