Could really do with some advice

[Alabasterlyn]

I could really do with some unbiased advice about a situation that is causing me a great deal of angst at the moment. I am 54yrs old and have had agoraphobia, health anxiety and depression for the best part of 40yrs. For the main part I am pretty much 90% housebound and struggle on a daily basis with most things.

My sister in law is in a hospice at the moment with liver cancer and it's brought back a lot of demons for me as cancer is a really big trigger for me and I find myself much more anxious and concerned about my own health since she was diagnosed.

However the reason I am posting this is that I have a dilemna regarding caring after my granddaughter as I feel right now that it's getting more and more difficult to cope and I don't know where to start when it comes to explaining how I feel to my son and daughter in law.

When my daughter in law went back to work last Summer I agreed to care for my granddaughter one day a week for 9hrs. At first it was quite easy as she would have a couple of naps in the day and if I was feeling anxious I could log onto my laptop and talk to friends online and calm myself down.

However she is now 19thms old, doesn't have a nap till the afternoon and like most toddlers is into everything and needs 100% of my time when she is here. I think what makes it very hard for me is that I can't take her out so even though she stands at the door banging on it to go out, well I just can't do more than take her a little way up the road and back.

I am really struggling with all of this as I know my son and daughter in law will feel I am letting them down if I say I don't feel I can do a whole day any longer, but I am getting to the stage where I dread every Friday as the pleasure of being with my granddaughter is diminished by my increased anxiety and the fact that at the end of the day I am utterly and totally exhausted.

So I guess my question here is am I being selfish putting my own health before the duty I have as a mother and grandmother or should I try and reduce the hours I look after my granddaughter.

[pooh]

Hi there Lyn

(i'm popping back out of my obscurity lol)

YOUR HEALTH DOES COME FIRST!!!! You want your time spent with your grandchild to be good. This is the reality you did not have your granchild ( and this has nothing to do with love or letting anyone down) therefore the ultimate responsibility does not lie with you over child care, especially when said is making you feel ill. I am a firm believer that it is up to your son and his wife to make suitable child care arrangements BECAUSE things can and do change. What woukld they do if you decided to take off to australia for 6 months or joined the circus and travel or got a job yourself. These are hypotheticals to illustrate that they should have alternatives in place to deal with change and if they dont its up to them to find them.
At one point when my son was younger he was getting cared for by my sister in law and frankly it didnt work so I arrived at work on the monday and said change me to part time or i have to leave.
Don't you dare feel bad for being who you are and you are entitled to say if it is too much. AS my own mother says...you have kids YOU take responsibility for those kids no passing the buck. So be brave and address the problem and dont leave yourself there on a friday feeling like you are getting less and less able to cope and have it increase your anx.

Pooh xxx

[PUGLETMUM]

hiya, i can sense your panic at this situation - but it wont last and in my experience jsut a little re-jogging can dramatically change things back to manageable?

you say you are feeling bad about being concerned about cancer even htough your not the one suffering - well the answer to that is you suffer health anx! it comes and goes, when someones sick it can affect us in our minds, unless you can free yourself of health anx you will always feel like this - and thats no fault of your own - you have a phobia - just be freaked out and accept it and in time it will pass? but dont beat yourself up about it!

next you say your grandaughter needs to go out and that she doesnt have naps? when i was agoro and also having ocd thoughts about my daughter i would do anything to spend as little time wiht her alone unles si knew someone was available - i desperately regret that situation now as i now know i was only suffering ocd and wasnt a murderous person -but it was easier for ppl to benefit out of this situation themselves than to help me to get better!

please dont give up this day with your grandaughter you can work through this blip with a little adjustment - she doesn 'need' to go out on this one day - there are so many things you can do with her at home - you can teach her to bake, to draw, to paint you can play games you can sing and dance you can watch tv together and play and laugh - you can play with her toys and mainly you can love her - i wish someone would have encouraged me to stay with my daughter and do these things instead of comparing myself and judging myself against everybody else and so then hading her over to somebody else to care for - i can never have that time back - ive said this time and again- whoever is unlucky enough to suffer and anxiety disorder feels exactly the same - thats why there are thousands of members on here - we are not alone! dont compare yourself to anyone else - you are doing your best with what youve been handed in life and that is good enough!!!!! love emma

[PUGLETMUM]

i meant re-jigging! not sure if there is such a thing as re-jogging?

[Alabasterlyn]

Thanks Pooh and Emmas for your responses.

I have spoken to my son and daughter in law and explained how I feel. It was really hard to actually get the words out but I was surprised how understanding they both were about it.

Pooh I think you are right when you say that my health does come first as I am no use to anyone when I am feeling bad and I do have a lot going on right now.

Emmas I can understand your views too but I can't see any way of re-jigging things to make all this easier. I guess when it's your own child it's different as they are your responsibility and it's easier caring for your own children than it is your grandchildren as for some weird reason it seems a much bigger responsibility when you are looking after someone else's child.

Right now I am just exhausted with my sister in law being so ill, so I guess I need to concentrate on that for now.