Hi. My name is Jennifer and I am hurt's daughter. Umm I am adopted and I live with hurts father, my grandfather in arkansas. All my life I grew up with problems and it caused me to have bipolar and borderline personality disorder.
So I guess I should start like my dad did huh? From the beginning.
When I was around 5 I remember getting calls from my real dad. I never really understood who he was, but I just knew that something wasn't right in my family. Then something happened that changed my life forever. I was at my home and someone came in and raped me. I can't say who. It hurts too much to say who and if I did it would cause a lot of problems with my dad. So I won't, but from then on I had a lot of problems with my body. Anyways, I also had and still have low self esteem. I was ridiculed all my life by friends and family. Other kids at school used to make fun of me all the time. I am overweight and I suffer from polycystic ovarian syndrome which makes loosing weight a big problem for me. So that never helped. As time went on the teasing and ridiculing only got worse, especially from my own family. I was called a bitch almost every day of my life. My adopted mother let me know quite often that I was a mistake and noone wanted me. I was told that noone would ever love me and that I was worthless. They even said that people thought I was hideous. That is when I really started having problems in public. School started getting worse. I hated being around the people, but somehow I made it through with a few minor problems. I had a few panic attacks due to being in large crowds during lunch and pep rallies, but they were never more than that. Then I started college. I made friends and things were fine until I was raped again. I didn't even bother fighting the guy who did it because I liked his cousin. They used me for the worst of things. It was then that I started smoking pot and drinking all the time. I remember getting back to my dorm at night reeking of weed and booze, but I didn't care. It hid the pain and helped me sleep at night. Over a period of just 3 months I was an alcoholic. At least I was told that I was. I was drinking every night. I was sneaking alcohol into my best friends dorm room so we could get completely blasted. I don't remember a night during that time when I wasn't drunk. Unless my parents were around and then I acted sweet and innocent as I could to make them leave me alone. I goofed off and ended up dropping out of college. I never completed a semester my whole year there and it sucked. But yeah, I refused to go to classes because of all the students. I hated eating in the cafeteria or even going for a walk. I just stayed in my room and slept or played on the computer. I couldn't get hurt that way. To this day I still get panic attacks. I hate going to the mall by myself or even to the movies if something popular is playing. It tears me up inside. I have a hard time trusting people. I had to learn how to trust my real dad all over again. He disappeared for 9 years of my life. I remember so many times when I would tell myself it was because I wasn't a good enough daughter and he didn't really love me, but I know better now and it helps...sometimes. I spent most of my teen and what little of an adult life I have had in depression because of one thing or another. I have attempted suicide over 30 times. I was and sometimes still am a cutter, though I am trying to stop. But I guess I should get done with this now.
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