Afriad to die, afraid of numbers, afraid of everything

[pi_panic]

Hello again,

I've posted from time to time, and you guys (and gals) have helped me out.

First of all, I suffer from anxiety (whom among us doesn't?)

I'm 35, male, fairly good health.

I've had palps since the age of 15, ventrical fib (or something), so far nothing serious. Maybe one a day or two at most - unless going through a rough time. Sometimes none for weeks.

I have a fear of dying, (it's even difficult to write and i expect to get a fib or two during this missive)

It's really bad now, interfering with my daily activities. I often just have to take Xanax and sleep - no quality of life.

In 2001, (January) I got this notion in my head that I was going to die on 4/11 - it persisted daily and I was so sure it was going to occur that on April 11th of 2001 I stayed home all day, and barely moved out of fear - sounds silly right?

Well then came 9/11 and I was just a block away from the World Trade Center, and if I had followed my first inclination (to run closer and help) I may well not be here, instead my natural anxiety (and having gone thru so much anxiety that year already) I ran the other way..and here i am.

I'm a visual designer and 4/11 and 9/11 look very similar and it was always the number i was seeing in my head. so although obviously it's all made up in my head i can't help thinking there's some connection.. No i am not normally like this.

Well fast forward 8 years, I still avoid 411, I won't take a flight if it has those numbers, and I will admit I'm pretty cautious about those numbers in sequence. I play it off as 'unlucky numbers' - I currently live in Asia and many people have and accept the unlucky number thing.

However last year I got another number/notion 12:32 in my head - and so now every damn day, twice a day at 12:32 i have anxiety leading up to the time, and i stand around waiting to drop dead. After it passes (giving a few min for incorrect time) I feel a huge sense of relief.

12:32pm is lunchtime, and 12:32am is when I'm out at the bars - so both are prime candidates. Lately when 12:32 or 4:11 (rarely) come around I've started getting a single palp - even when I don't actually know the time - sure enough I'll look down and it will be 12:32.. I think internally I know it's lunchtime, will look at my watch and my body can sense the time.

Now my life is much less stressful and i'm taking better care of my body but i'm afraid to do anything, afraid to exercise as i'll drop dead, afraid to eat big meals (or eat enough) as it will bloat my stomache (IBS) and give me palps, afraid to drink, and afraid to make any sudden moves.

If you asked me how many times a day i'm currently waiting to die - i'd say in any given hour i think about it 3 times, should i lay in the bed with only a towel as someone will find me dead like this, and a million stupid thoughts like this.

I do things that tell me my heart is pretty good - like have strenuous sex, and have worked out a few times for 30 min on the elliptical - and no problems, still alhtough i am reassured for a day or two the fear creeps back in.

I literally walk around afraid of fear, afraid of palps, afraid of time..

Besides telling me that i'm nuts (thanks) is there anyone else that shares this? or has heard of this phenomenia, or can offer any suggestions?

I'm reading alot of self help books now that tell me i'm in control of my thoughts - but my big fear is that i will make myself sick or make myself have a heart condition just because i'm always focused on it. Other than drugs are there any treatments?

I know i should go to the hospital and get a full physical checkup (haven't since 2003) however i am terrified of doctors, can't let them check my pulse or blood pressure and generally just so anxious i avoid them at all costs.

Thanks for your support/suggestions

[countrygirl]

Sounds like you have a huge dollop of ocd that you are dealing with due to your number obsession. Health anxiety is largely a part of ocd in that we obsess over health matters rather than say turning a tap off 50 times if you see what I mean. We all have a mental health disorder and that is the hardest thing to admit to or accept.

No one on here would make fun of what you are saying as to some degree we all feel as you do about health - it is our obsession. REally what we hate is the feeling of fear and for us that is instigated by anything health related.

Your number thing is only related to health/dying - I read a dream dictionery once and only remembered the symbols related to nasty health things so I can tell you exactly what dreaming about say a snake means but have forgotten what all the other non health related symbols meant as my obsession is all to do with health.

Waffling on a bit here sorry. Cognitive Behavioural therapy is your best bet for non medication treatment. Some people have had good results with anti depressants/ I have had this health anxiety since I was 6 yrs old and am now 47 yrs old and if anything I am getting worse as I get more symptoms as I get older.

Hopefully someone else can reply better than I have

[Liam]

Wow! Poor Guy! It's funny though cause I have a similiar thing. I was in the WTC on Sat September 8th. 2001 and that afternoon flew from JFK to Florida for a weeks holiday.

It seems that an unusually frequent occurence is when I look at the time and it reads 9:11 and I think this is like a bad omen or something! I know its silly but I've been doing it for years.

Also, my birthday is April 11th, 1981.

Please read my story, I think it could help you. See the self help links at the bottom.

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=46525

[Vikkidz]

I also have a similar fear, associated with the number three and 13. Growing up I was obsessed with things happening in 3's, it went so far that i became afraid of the number 3 and worried about my niece turning 3 (only one of the hundreds of things I worried about). Tragically my niece developed a brain tumour and died 2 months before she turned 4. Went to CBT an over the years have accepted it as a terrible coincidence but when in a state of anxiety constantly work out other coincidences that could occur. Many things have not happened in 3's but do I remember them - no!! I am so fearful of something else happening that I have thought about. My husband is currently awaiting xray results and tomorrow is the anniversary of the date my niece was diagnosed, I am living in fear of a phone call bringing bad news tomorrow, thinking of switching phone off as I don't know how I would cope if something else happened!!

[crazyhayz]

Get a referral for some CBT, and this is clearly OCD and therapy works wonders for this.

I think everyone has a fear of dying, more of a fear of the unknown, but why waste our one chance of life thinking about it? When we old people we will regret not living life to the full, its inevitable its guna happen of course it is, and i worry about when its guna happen and how, but as i said, what sort of life id that? The right therapy will help you. Good luck x

[robbiewalker]

I have the number obsession and the coincidence obsession and it is exhausting and very depressing. And for some reason the OCD tells me it's different from others because it's me. When I read others with the same thing, somehow 'They're okay' and it's clearly just OCD 'for them' because they're all not me. I continually have intrusive thoughts about the time like if I don't know how many mins past the hour it is and I look at time and have guessed it right then it's some terrible omen or something. And I'm constantly looking for patterns in things. And if I suddenly see a pattern that could be a code that spells out something terrible I'm in meltdown. For me it's always a fear that I'll hurt a loved one or something. For me at present intrusive thoughts are with dates. A thought will say "if this date that pops in your head is a Sat then it means some terrible thing will happen" So then I'll have to go and check the date, but then it'll go on and on and I can't sleep because just one more date will pop in and my mind cannot leave it and not go there. Or so it feels. The only relief I find is exercise. If I do my normal 15 miles cycling a day somehow the anxiety is less.

[blondielady]

Hey I don't know much about OCD or anything like that but it sounds like talking to a therapist would be a good idea to bring a little more relaxation into your life. I too have a heart arrhythmia. Most of the times that its bothered me have been in late morning so if you're noticing heart issues around the same times each day, I know I read somewhere that its normal (I mean normal as it gets for someone with arrythemia!). The palps are a bit unnerving but I've had mine so long now (since I was a teenager and I'm 34 now) and I used to have tachycardia multiple times per year... so much that I just expected it and usually could get it go go back down just by bending forward and taking deep breaths. Recently I've had less episodes but they are to the point where I just go to the hospital and they have a drug there that brings my heart right back to normal.

Its easy to start dwelling on bad things in life, especially if there is a perceived pattern. I would try exercising during those "bad" times of day.. the ones that you think something bad is going to happen. Then when you're done, be conscious of the fact that nothing bad happened and continue to do this every day until you realize a number will not hurt you. Good luck!

[xvolatileheart]

I agree with the others that this is definitely an OCD/anxiety combo. I suffer from the same! CBT can help you better understand your thought process and where it's going a bit wonky which can be quite helpful. I find that this isn't something I'm going to be able to cure, I can only learn to manage and cope with it better. Perhaps if I took medication it would be better but my fear of medication is so insanely high that I just don't think I could do it without having a full mental breakdown.

This isn't really an answer, but I hope it helps to know you're not alone.

[spacebunnyx]

Can't add much except I hope you feel better soon. I don't have the numbers thing, that sounds really upsetting. If strenuous sex or exercise makes you feel better - do it regularly! :-)

[oldnews]

Yep my first thought was OCD. i have fears if something doesnt happen then i will be ill. For example i will say to myself the next car i see needs to be red or i will die of this mystery illness (anxiety) obviously i never do die (pretty obv lol) but i cant stop thinking that way. Its a form of OCD, or so im told.