Hi. First, a quick brief history so you can have a pictiure of my case in order to be able to help me. I experienced my 1st full blown out Panic Attack 9 months ago, mostly due to stupidity on my part. I was having palpitations (which, btw,never before meant a biggie before that day as they were rare) because of excessive caffiene I drank that morning. They were so much in frequency that, out of curiosity, I made the error of Googling up words like "heart flutter", etc and the price I paid for that dreadful evening's act is I am now a Cardiophobic as a result of what happpened to me that day. Things I never once thought twice of now trigger the worst PA you could think of.
Anyway, since then and I am living dreadful days full of anxiety and fear. Whenever I feel a skipped beat, BOOM. PA. Then more anxiety, vicious circle then another BOOM. Endless cycles, dreaful nights.
Slowly, (thanks to the support of this site, my beloved wife and the understanding and patience of some good people) I managed to learn to curb my fears gradually and I can proudly say that now my PAs mostly have been reduces to AAs (Anxiety attacks). Nowadays, on good ones where I get an AA I even laugh and joke about it until it fades. Slowly I draw courage from things I learnt from this site and my own analysis of my experiences. I stopped checking my pulse every minutes, waking up in the middle of the night to place my hand across my chest to make sure my heart's still beating, etc etc to name just a few.
However, there are a few things which I still cannot get over. Usually it's whenever a NEW kind of symptom occurs that everything I have built so far as defense comes tumbling down and I experience a full PA (not as worse as the previous ones, but still terryfiying). This started with tinglings. My first tingling and all I learnt was blown away, it's like I could no longer convince my brain of rational thoughts. Took me a while to learn that tinglings are a by-product of anxiety. Then I carried on...until headaches cames and some few weeks lost to recovering whatever courage I had mustered. Then carried on. Then Dizziness. And so on.
In brief, whenever I experience a NEW symptom which I haven't experience before, I lose the battle and the anxiety gets to me. However, I've learnt to lessen more and more the freqencey of the times it takes me to recover.
Lately, it's muscle twitching. Various places for no reason would start twitching. Tonight, for instance, it's my right shoulder. It went on twitching for like 6 hours, resting a few seconds in between. I told my self I will not relapse, I will not relapse but felt fear taking its toll on me. At last I managed to control it, but I'm still a bit shaky.
Another one (this is old) which I still cannot get over, one which dosen't really bring down a PA but enough to cause me a great deal of anxiety whenever I feel it is a sort of a throb (not really pain or burn or twitch but sort of a tightness which you can barely feel but KNOW is there) on my left tricep. This seems to be a constant one with me. It's like there's a vein that runs from my left tricep all the way to my left fingers that's a bit overstretched. Is this anixety as usual? Being obssesed with my heart, this mostly always puts me in an edgy mood because I hear that the left hand is usually asscoaited with the heart and having a real heart attack, the left hand is usuallly one the things you would feel pains at. When I did MRI and ECK 9 months ago upon 1st PA, everything came out fine. And although I dont really feel pain, nor close to it, it's always there...a light throb...tightness which I feel most of the time.
I also have a question I hope someone could answer. Everyone speaks of low pulse and high pulse. One of the ways I lessed my PAs was not touching my heart anymore. In other words, the less I thought or experienced anything that remined me of it, the better. So whenever I used to have high pulses, even if I didn't touch it, I'd still be tense all thoughout the day. So here's what I wanna know. I dont know how to explain this...see, I'm not referring to heart rates. Let's say, for example, one day my heart would be beating 90 times per minutes I wouldnt feel it. If I felt my pulse it would be something like dlub...dlub...dlub...dlub.
On other days, it would be the SAME 90 times per minute but when I touch my pulse it would be like DLUB...DLUB...DLUB...DLUB. It's the SAME amout of rate/minute, but somehow beating LOUDER, as in higher verocity. Given my case that whenever I am aware of my heart I get anxity, it's on these kind of days that I feel bad. So what causes this, if you got what I mean? You know...same beats per min, but one time you BARELY feel the pulse and on other days, same beats per min but with a more ferocious throb. (Please not I am not referring to faster/slower heartbeats but rather the SAME amout on beats per min but each time with different verocity. One time you barely feel the 90 beats, on others you feel them pounding almost loud.)
And finally because of my obsession with Cardiophobia, I've now come to associate anything I feel with the well-being of my heart. My senses have become so hightened that if a fly were to land on me while I'm busy discussing something in a loud enviroment, I'd feel it. Some nights when I go to bed, if I lay of my left side, I literally see my heart making my shirt bulge slight just between under my armpit and under my chestbone. When I use to place my hand there, I'd feel the heart in its shape, like if I squeezed, I'd actually squash it. Is this normal? Does anyone else experience this? It's like the only thing seperating the organ from my fingers is the skin around my chest. I won't be in an anixety mood or anything. I'd just feel it there, beating normally but BULGING. This is usally when I sleep on my left side and not always I can feel it that way.
Many thanks for all your support. My best wished to all those who suffer what we go through. It's tough, but with each other's support I'm sure we can, one way or another, find a way to live peacefully...or at least accept life for what it is in a peaceful frame of mind.
All the best. Love,
Ali
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