CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

[WillLatch]

So I begin a thread..
a path I tentatively tread..
A little dread of what is to come.
But I should have no fear.
As those that are close to me are near.
Must work my stress and be ME…
Welcome to my CBT.

So here we go. What is CBT? Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Please see other pages on this site for a clear description. I shall assume that if you’re reading this then you know the principles of this process.

Why am I trying it? Because it has been recommended as an appropriate therapy given my circumstances at this time and I trust the people who made the recommendation.

What are my circumstances? I guess it would be best to spend a little time outlining my condition and current state of mind so that others who can relate to my particular difficulties can follow the process with a greater empathy. Those who carry different burdens will hopefully draw experience from the process of CBT I hope to write about with clarity and accuracy as it affects me and my condition.

I have spent my entire adult working life in the entertainment industry. I am self- employed. These days I have ten staff whom work with me in production and we make documentary programmes on special interest topics. These are broadcasted on television or/and distributed on DVD.

I have always lived beyond my means, taken on too much work, lived a life of self created stress and deadlines and have probably thrived on the adrenalin and pressure produced. I have been “used to it”. I have my methods of coping.

But in reality I have always had a switch off by artificial means and from age 16 to circa 45 I smoked cannabis every evening. During those three decades I probably drank no more that 100 litres of alcohol in total. But I became aware through my partner that my nature was changing as I began to smoke earlier in the days and was spaggy if I couldn’t get to a joint. I’d also start to get too concerned if supply was getting low. I was always unable to have it around and NOT smoke.

So I quit. It took two years. Then though I did begin to drink more. Good wines and ports slowly but surely led onto Vodka and Tango. The effects of which we all know.

My nature is addictive. Work, adrenalin, drugs, alcohol, sex. Striving for “perfection” in art. My private life is complicated. And I have many responsibilities.

All was going pretty good really until along came a nasty recession and then cashflow hell hit. And suddenly all that I had built for all those that depended on me was greatly threatened. All because I’d over committed my finances both business and personal and not enough pound coins were coming in to cover the number required going out.

I am not alone with this situation. But it started to affect my sleep. And I found myself conking out early through too much alcohol and then waking all the time, sitting up and looking at the clock wondering if it was time to go to work and try to deal with the problems. At 1am this is not a good idea. Nor is at 1.47am. Or 2.20am or 3.15am etc.

Anxiety increased as I fought my fires. And got more and more stressed as now I had not only responsibility to my family but also to ten employees who depended on me for THEIR livelihoods and income.

In January I also developed a terrible dose of internal piles. And one of them coagulated. A vein blocked, went hard and sat there on my nervous system. And do what I could, they wouldn’t stop hurting and they wouldn’t go away.

More stress, more anxiety at a time when I felt I needed to be even more effective than normal. So I went to the doctor and asked for some sleeping tablets. Despite a life of cannabis etc I’ve never been keen on pills. Zolpidem was prescribed and I was warned that although they would help me get to sleep, the problems that were causing the stressful sleep patterns would NOT go away.

As the piles failed to improve so I got more anxious and took the tablets nightly until after six weeks they were most definitely having a negative effect. I began to shut myself away in my offices, my pile cushion and I. A lifetime of being gregarious and loud; fading fast into isolation and anxiety.

Then my soul mate and partner told me this was just not right.. and that I must get to the doctors again and start to deal with a worsening condition. So typically I just stopped the Zolpidem at a weekend when I was alone and the physiological reaction was really “unpleasant” as a massive band of tension and tightness wrapped itself round my entire chest and abdomen. The 3 nights of Friday to Sunday were appalling but I decided I had to go cold turkey. Despite advice that this was not a wise process.

On the Saturday night though I ironed for 4-5 hours.. everything I could find as I thought at least standing I could ease the piles ironically.

And suddenly while ironing after six weeks of pain and pressure they started to feel better. I wondered if my mental state was expressing itself through my butt frankly. Was this another symptom of the stress?

A week ago Monday 23rd I went to see the butt specialist. He marched up me with a camera where no film crew would be bold enough to venture, confirmed that my piles were most definitely going, asked me why I was bouncing all around his office in such a state and suggested I consider CBT. My partner immediately agreed. She has wisdom that I do not.

2 hours later we went to the GP. Told him I’d cold turkey’d the Zolpidem and could I try something to calm me down a bit while we dealt with more of the fires that were causing me problems and explored the availability of CBT. He prescribed Diazepam 2mg.. 3 times a day if required.

I took one and within ten minutes the band went from my chest and abdomen. No drowsy stuff, no nothing. Just some respite. A good start. But a lesson had been learnt about pills and me.

Took another at bedtime. And had a better night. Only woke twice. Struggled to get back to sleep but not too bad.

However I also booked a session of CBT with a “proper clinic” and qualified staff at a town 15 miles away for the Wednesday 25th.. Cost £46.

On the Tuesday 24th I had a call from my GP advising he’d found a CBT therapist located just 1 mile from my home. I rang her and made an immediate appointment for that day. Cost £35.

I went. Partner came with me. Very nice lady. Aromatherapy candles were burning. Magazines on a table. Comfy (ish) chairs. Cold room she was trying to heat with portable gas fires. Badly printed literature that was hardly readable. She listened, I listened. She got my Christian name wrong 3 times before I decided to correct her. When I referred to going from cannabis to hooch she asked me how many alcopops I drank per evening! This was not to be the therapist for me.

The next day I took a Diazepam and I went to the clinic with my partner. It was brightly lit. Not a candle in sight. “Hello Liam” greeted me as I walked in and a lady with bright direct and caring eyes offered her hand, shook mine and directed me to a comfy safe room, full of books, coffee table, box of tissues and plastic cup of cold water.

I sat. We sat and she asked a few questions and wanted to know why I had come and what I was looking for.

I spilt the beans and read out the statement I’d written for myself two hours earlier. “I am no longer able to cope with the stress and over burdened life I’ve created for myself”. And I cried.

We talked. I listened; she listened. Her face worked for me. So did her voice and the words she spoke. She outlined the process of CBT and what we would hope to achieve. And we made an appointment to meet again this week and diary dated the next four weeks.

She gave me legible literature, shook my hand and sent me on my way.

I have found someone I can trust and have faith in her experience and work. I believe that she cares about her patients with patience and that I will be able to change the way I cope and find new strategies whilst at the time working the issues, problems and hurdles that are still in the way, need to be faced and overcome.

Today I had the second session. But writing the above is enough for now and there is the need to tell the tale of the last week BEFORE my second session and the true recognition that I am not well and there is no quick fix.

But the lesson of the week for me when considering CBT was that it is important to find the right therapist for the job and your nature. Not the nearest or cheapest although that would have been very handy, convenient and cost saving. Seeing two helped me assess not only their approaches but the reality of their qualifications and real experience. And MY nature needed to find those answers for me to risk the trust and respect necessary to open up as best I can.. and search for new ways to be me.

“I am now learning new ways to cope with the stress and over burdened life I’ve created for myself”.

Back again tomorrow to carry on this thread with the week of revelation and the second session. Thanks to those who have read. I hope it will have some value to those considering and waiting for CBT. In the meantime may I wish all those who find sanctuary and comfort here at NMP a very good night.

[suzy-sue]

What an excellent introduction,to what im sure will be a very interesting thread. Your openess and honesty is something you will probably find to be very theraputic for you. Its good you have found someone you can trust and feel comfortable with ,as sadly many dont have that choice. I for one look forward to reading the next page of your journey& i truly wish you every sucess with your road to recovery. Sue

[WillLatch]

Thanks Sue. feedbacks encourage and indeed help both the therapy and the writing. Liam

[WillLatch]

CBT - THE OPENING HAND. A lot had to be covered really in the first part of this thread. I was wary of it being too “me me me” but we needed a bit of bedrock to continue. At the first session we covered the reasons I was there and the reactions and anxieties I was now suffering and feeling about and at work. After leaving I felt better and with a busy schedule and company every evening from my kids (I am separated from my wife and family but my soul mate stays with me 3 nights a week and we work together) I was surprised to find I took no Diazepam from the Wednesday after therapy onwards. On Sunday, partner and I headed south to a favourite hotel having given the staff the Monday 30th off so that we could all charge batteries and I didn't have to think about lack of preparation for others while not being at work. The trip down was great; the hotel room our usual one; not used for a while. No hotels, no restaurants, no takeaways, no pubs since the start of the cash flow crisis in August. No treats while others jobs were at risk. Room service for dinner, movie on the box and a reasonable night's sleep with less disturbance.

Monday morning and breakfast in our favourite panoramic penthouse restaurant. The usual reliable and good quality grub and staff with familiar faces. About 50 diners all happily munching away. And the belt came back with a vengeance. Across the chest and abdomen. WHAT?!??!??! WHY!??!??! I NEARLY had to leave and abandon the bacon. Talked to partner, saw it through, ate tasteless fare and returned to room at earliest and swallowed a diazapem. We then talked for 3 hours. I was re-assured that the day would come when we'd finally be together full time. That helped but we needed to work out why I'd "had an anxious". What triggered it? We went for a walk. Proper boots and coats and hit the coastal path. I haven't walked 6 miles for years. Very few people, we talked, the sun shone the wind blew.. the belt lessened. Had I moved beyond a comfort zone? After six weeks of going nowhere and retreating had I moved into safe boxes and the restaurant threw me? Notes for the CBT. Went to the restaurant for the evening meal. Bought a belter of a bottle and drank a good chunk of it. I know not to mix Diaz with alcohol so no tablets that night. Another disturbed one. Tues morning.. Diaz first thing.. 20 minutes for a "kick in" and then the restaurant. Not brill but better. FINISHED the bacon but wasn't keen to linger. Shopped for socks. Bought a couple of books.. and then drove back and went to work. I had made an IMPORTANT decision before going south. I left the blackberry behind. That is the first time in five years I've abandoned the ether. Only the kids have the mobile number. So there was no comms.

Saw Tuesday night through. A good night. Only two short wake ups. Diazepam. Wednesday morning I awoke WITH the belt across the chest and abdomen. Not so bad but there before I even woke up! But of course today was the day for the 2nd session of CBT. AND I KNEW we had enough cash for salaries and bills this week but next week wasn’t there. So the nagging worry is always in the background. The vulnerability of the lack of pound coins.

Took Diazepam. Went to work. Anxious but trying to breath and relax as best. Fought a couple of small fires but left the bigger blazes alone. Midday and time to leave. Mustn’t be late. Diazepam. Partner came with me but we parted in the car park and I went in alone and met with Ms soulful eyes. Partner not far away in case she needed to pick up the pieces.

This 2nd session I talked about my family, the recent separation and my complicated private life over the last seventeen years and the pressure that has been and the toll it’s taken. I’m not going into the details publicly on this part of my life. Let’s just say we vehemently believe that it’s not separations and divorces that mess up the kids as much as “Here’s your new daddy… or mummy”. So my soul mate and partner and I have lived separate lives in terms of not mixing up our children, and relished and treasured OUR bits of time together. And always been there for the kids independently.

Additionally though as well as the difficulty of living such a lifestyle for so long, the mother of my children has also had to fight breast cancer recently and it’s not easy to give emotional support for such a need when love has faded and the usual difficulties and intolerances have crept in. Add the possibility that because business has been the way it’s been, then there’s even more pressure as I try to be helpful and honourable about future funding for an ailing and not so strong ex wife to be.

This part of my talking took a good chunk of my allocated hour. Ms soulful eyes listens well, judges not, remembers my name and feels my feelings. Or at least as much as her training and experience allows her to.

With two great chunks of explanation now spoken of and the key areas of “WHY” I was there covered she asked if I could work out WHY the restaurant scene had “kicked off”. And I just couldn’t pin it on anything. So… this week’s strategy is to try and establish WHAT I’m thinking about when the belt appears and begins to tighten. See if can recognise the moments and try to write them down for reference at the 3rd session. WHAT ARE THE TRIGGERS? AND CAN I LEARN TO BREATH THROUGH THEM?

There is no doubt that one trigger is when I think about cash flow and the pressures of getting those that owe to pay. So I’ve stopped checking the online banking at 6.30am because if nothing has landed (especially when you believe it will) then what is the point in starting the day so disappointed so early? Even though I have to cope with a little anxiety in terms of not knowing until 9.30am there is always the possibility that some WILL have come in. and indeed monies arrived from America Friday last, so I felt able to go south for the useful break. (on the credit cards).

Paradoxically a one day break was a wise call. Although I yearned for a week (we haven’t taken one for years) I feel I’m better off coping on my own territory and being within reach of the extinguishers the moment I want to try and fight a fire.

After the session yesterday, I took no Diazepam. Didn’t feel the need. A busy evening with a visiting son. And I didn’t take one before bed. MISTAKE. Bad night. Woke every hour. I’d opened a new can of discomfort earlier in the day at CBT. I should have settled for that and had the respite of the medication.

Today I’ve had two Diazepam. It’s nearly midnight I shall take one tonight after a warm bath, hot milk, a little Poldark and a read. Tonight I sleep alone again but I don’t HAVE to be up in the morning particularly early.

So this is my strategy tonight. My little thought for the day. I shall REMOVE the clocks (there’s one on each side of the bed.) THAT will mean I have no time to sit up and look at. I shall set the mobile phone that’s always with me so that the kids can get me to 6.30am. A half hour earlier than normal. So that I will make myself stay in bed UNTIL I hear my alarm call. And NOT get up or look at clocks that aren’t there sooner.

The curtains will be closed with care tonight to reduce the chinks of light. And my music student son recorded “Mad world” on the piano and made it the alarm call on my phone so that gentle music will hopefully be the melody to steadily start the day. If I wake up with the belt in place I WILL tell myself it’ a horrible feeling but it’s just a feeling.

So… we’ll see what happens. The thread is now up to date. The details I particularly needed to relate to both Ms CBT and NMP are now written.

We move on and I shall report how the strategy went and if I’m managing to establish the WHY I GET ANXIOUS moments. Thanks for reading and may everyone here have a good night and a fresh start tomorrow for another day. Long live NMP. Liam

[Veronica H]

Hi Liam

This thread is superb. I am sure that this will prove to be of great value to many in the coming weeks. Thank you so much for the time and honesty you are investing for us.

Veronica

[WillLatch]

Good day to you Veronica H...thank YOU for taking the time to write and encourage. I just jumped on to check for spulling mistakes and there was your posting. Very much appreciated. Liam

[WillLatch]

CBT- THE DAY AFTER "The Strategy of the night". I removed the clocks. I had the bath. (Well, actually I have a hot tub in reality but I DIDNT activate it.. so it was a BIG bath!) Just looked at the stars and breathed. I took the hot milk. I set the alarm on the phone for 7am instead of 6.30am and checked my son's music. I found where I'd left off "Poldark" previously. I cleaned my teeth. I told myself that 2moro was a GOOD day ahead of work AND as my 3rd son was bringing his new girlfriend around for tea and then he and I were racing karts for the weekend it was all GOOD stuff, GOOD times. No blackberry. No emails. No surfing. Pop to the chat room of NMP. All spoken OUT LOUD to myself. Who cares? MY HOUSE! :-) And then I decided NOT to take the Diazepam but have a single Zolpidem and see if I could get a good sleep as I'd now not had Zolpidem for a fortnight. ONE night only. Within ten minutes I was spark out. And I didn't move until "Mad world" played at 7am. I pressed the stop button. And the next thing I knew it was 8.20am! RESULT! A LITTLE tightness came on when I went to work... I took 1 Diazepam today and ploughed into positive tasks. EVERYONE got paid. The bills were paid. There's not enough for next Friday yet but some had come in that wasn't expected. I didn't know until 9.30 because I now don't check the online banking at 6am anymore! JUST had an email from Los Angeles. I will shut down email totally until Monday because it's 9am there and it's FRIDAY EVENING here. And I don't do work email in the evenings and weekends anymore. Barak will just have to manage without me. ;-). Today's strategies have worked. I had to go and collect some stuff from my ex this afternoon. I began to feel tight going. HAHAH! "GOING TO SEE MY EX CAN MAKE ME ANXIOUS". I recognised it. WE WILL NOT FIGHT. I will come away feeling ok. And that is what happened. No diazepam this afternoon. I shall have one at bedtime. NOT a Zolpidem. 2moro is a GOOD day for me.. maybe I'll try no pills at all. Today's steps have been successful. Have a great weekend everyone. Long live NMP. Liam

[suzy-sue]

Two more brilliant posts Liam ,Your strategies seeem to be working for you,welldone & enjoy your weekend. sue

[WillLatch]

CBT – the last four days and SESSION 3. Friday nights before kart racing weekends are good. I’m busy busy and have a lot to think about. If I get MY bits wrong my son won’t be able to race well. Worse still he may crash. WE are a team. He drives it… and I have to hold it together, find mechanical ways to make it go faster and pay the bills for the broken bits. That is my least favourite part. Especially when I have enough financial worries already. However he doesn’t break stuff often and we work it out somehow. We bond well, we have a shared interest and he inadvertently by his request to race, led me to a pastime that takes ALL my mind when we’re doing it and there’s no room for work, ex wives, separations, troubles or strife. It is all consuming and demanding. If you want to try and do it well. You could say that I was digressing here but the point for me is that it takes my mind off stuff that is making me anxious.

We left off previously with my strategies for trying to sleep and to try and come up with some recognition of WHY I get anxious so that I could advise Ms CBT accordingly and we could work alternative thought processes. A sort of “Let’s find something to hang the hat on” start. So before we look at SLEEP here’s the list so far.

SEEING MY EX WIFE. Years of feeling disapproved of didn’t help. There’s little point in going over old ground. We may wish to never speak again but we have children for life so it’s vital to find a way of moving forward together in their interest and as parents.

So two weeks ago I asked her over for dinner and to stay the night. We were both nervous and cautious. Both wary of “making mistakes” and “kicking off”. We differ in our approaches to parenting teenagers substantially so friction would be easily created. It went ok. We talked and in fact we talked and talked. We ate, we drank wine and we watched a movie… and then we slept in separate rooms. She is recovering from breast cancer and her nights from drug induced enforced menopause are not easy and she has far more experience than me in coping with sleep pattern problems as a result. The next day we were up at about 8.30am… and she packed to go and I made tea cos she was “off in a minute”. And we talked.. and then we talked and it was 11am. And we hugged.. we’ve known each other for 30 years… and she went on her way. Both being poorly in separate ways, we could see that if we could possibly clear out the anger, resentment and disappointment of our failed marriage and life together then it was possible to be supportive, kind and a little more generous in spirit and thought for each other. With OBVIOUS consequences for the children as well.

I decided that it would be ok to invite her again and I believe she would be happy to come. We were of course once the best of friends. I have less to be anxious about next time. JUST LIKE CBT. Confidence grows from FACING the issues and working to deal with the hurdles.

This weekend is my 51st birthday. After careful thought and a LITTLE bit of a conference with our children, I invited her to come to my party. It’s just me, the kids, the girlfriends and now the mum. A complete family. We’re doing fancy dress. Just the seven of us. It’ll be great. LAST year for my 50th I received £3,000 as a chunk of pension. I spent it all on the first party of my life. 100 people came. A daunting but memorable experience! I haven’t had a party since I was four years old. I’m one of those “broken family and beaten child cases”. No matter these days. The weekend ahead is another to look forward to. And another opportunity to make a LITTLE effort to be nicer to my ex and therefore reduce one of MY recognised moments of anxiety.

CASHFLOW. When I think about it, it makes me anxious. When the tax office calls, it makes me anxious. When I think about staff salaries and how I’m going to pay them it makes me anxious. When I haven’t paid a bill on time it makes me anxious. I feel guilty and it’s worse if I have no answers on the horizon. IF EVERYONE PAID ME WHAT THEY OWED ME ALL AT ONCE I’D HAVE ENOUGH he said self pityingly. But they don’t. And that is the way of business now and it’s going to be tough for a while to come. So I need to make a list of the hurdles I have to jump; the changes I have to make. I must then deal with them one at a time and not like a bull at a gate. I shall start tomorrow with ONE A DAY and I think that within two weeks or fourteen days I will have dealt with them all. I won’t like the way the authorities or finance company people will speak to me. I won’t like feeling they are judging me and are censorious. I won’t like their disapproval and I will feel not many of them will be friendly to me. They may hurt my feelings and I will feel bad BUT IF I CAN DO THEM ALL ONE AT A TIME, A DAY AT A TIME, THE MOMENT MUST COME WHEN THERE ARE NONE LEFT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT.

Then of course I still have to find the monies to service the “deals” and “terms” but the confrontational parts will be over.

I will reward myself with thinking about karting days to come. And as a bonus we MAY go for an extra test day on April 16th. I must therefore try to have completed all the unpleasant tasks by that time. It won’t matter if I haven’t but I have set that target. To take a day off during a working week is a BIG deal for a workaholic.

Diazepam usage has been reduced this week. I needed one on Monday morning as I recognised that after the relaxed and vibrant weekend, that going to work was a slight anxiety and the tension band although less appeared again. I have conditioned myself to my work place BEING a place of anxiety and that is a shame. I must work on that. I have always lived to work as opposed to working to live. As a principal I mean; not in the literal and complete sense.

So now we move on to the other key area of difficulty this week.. and that is SLEEP! The night of Zolpidem was a great kip. But despite that I have not been tempted to take another. Perhaps once a week OR when I’m climbing the walls and really need to be shut down. Is the ongoing strategy at present.

But I have taken 2mg of Diazapem each night. And although I fall asleep quite well with the strategy of hot tub, hot milk, bit of Poldark, a short read etc.. I wake and I toss and turn and doze and dream I’m awake and so on and so on. BUT HAVING REMOVED THE CLOCKS I’M NOT LEAPING UP AND LOOKING AT THE TIME. This helps. But I peep at the curtains and judge and imagine that light levels are rising.. and try to work out what time it is!

So we come to today’s CBT 3 and Ms soulful eyes. I went on my own with my mental list of some of the triggers I’d recognised and the plan to see what we could do specifically about SLEEP. That was my target.
And of course I talked pretty much about all the above although I have just realised I haven’t talked yet to my therapist about the successful “experiment” of dinner with my ex. I think she would approve and support the strategy. Notice I say approve the STRATEGY. I am learning that her role as a therapist is non judgemental and that whether she approves of ME is irrelevant. This is part of the learning process of not worrying about being disapproved of by others.

So now we look at sleep. Because I am yawning and dozy and nodding from about 10pm to 11pm.. I try to go to bed. My alarm is set as agreed at 7am. All the new strategies are in place, I take my Diazepam and I seem to sleep for 2 or 3 hours and then it all goes into meltdown for the rest of the night.

Firstly… Having learnt a few years back that in my middle age I really only required 6 hours sleep, WHY AM I TRYING TO BE IN BED FOR EIGHT HOURS?!???!! A little nudge from Ms CBT helped me see this!

Next… She asked me what I felt when I awoke. Daft question… I feel AWAKE! But then my thick moment faded… and she broke it down into edible chunks of query…

Was I physically tired? NO. Was I mentally tired? NO. Then how did I expect to be asleep? AHHAHHHHHH! Sometimes just the gentlest of nudges can help us see some light and THAT was Ms Soulful Eyes moment of the session for me.

So here’s the strategy changes this week. You ready for this mighty revelation indulgent reader? I’M GOING TO BED LATER and GETTING UP EARLIER. I shall set the alarm for 6.30am and I shall not go to bed until midnight. Even if I yawn, doze, feel sleepy. My sons are online gaming at that time of night and they will indulge the old fart and let him play Pirates as well if need be. OR I shall read. Or I will start a jigsaw puzzle if REALLY desperate. But I will DO things.

I have yet to work out WHAT I shall do at 6.30am.. with a bit of luck go back to sleep for half an hour. OR I shall return to the cathartic process that I used for the first night just that fortnight ago to help break the sleeping pill pattern. BRING OUT THE IRONING! If needs be I shall go to work at 7am… but I will NOT go back to going at 4am.

My CBT went well today. Ms Soulful eyes actually reads this forum. Probably saves me a fortune in fees because it helps her understand me and my hurdles a little better!

This makes for better team work. We can work my problems together and overcome them. Her part of THIS team is safer tho. She CANT crash the kart.

Have a great week everyone. Long live NMP. Liam

[Yvonne]

Will,

Phew..... lots of reading lol.

Superb writing and very interesting. Good luck to you my friend.