CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

[suzy-sue]

Another moving post Liam ! So much progress in such a short time ,well done .It would have been so easy to not go to see your son play ,as it often is,with things .Avoidance wouldnt have given the same feelings ,of how proud and pleased your were ,and how you were glad to still be here .Im happy you spent a lovely evening with your soulmate ,and im glad that you have reached a significant place in your recovery .The place of course is the desire to live ,not just for others , but for yourself . Feel proud of this because it means you are fighting for life again,maybe not the same life as before . who knows ? But ONE filled with pride , love , and special moments . I think perhaps I see a glimmer of my torchlight in your cylinder .I do hope so ..Luv Sue x

[WillLatch]

Just a quick dive in update before anything goes kacky.. Not a bad day; wrote 9 letters to nine creditors with copies of sign offs and "in your face" hospital report. Student son was comforting and caring. Collected all my meds for a fortnight.... Pretty foggy in the mornings with Cipralex.. so going to try and bring my whole medication schedule forward 1 hour and see if that helps reduce the fog but I do NOT want to be awake at 5am! Anyway.. still here, still trying to move forward... the pile of poo is just as large but that's 15 letters addressing at least 15 different piles over the last two days.. so we'll see what the posty brings over time. What he DIDNT bring was my new phone today. Pah!

[SueBee]

Some positive points - at least you're dealing with things so thats progress!

When I lost my job, I owed money all over the place and couldnt even bare to open the letters sent. It was a 'do what you like,things cant get any worse' sort of attitude. It doesnt help and caused me a great deal of panic but hey ho

What makes you think things are going to go kacky?

[suzy-sue]

Sounds like you had a productive day ,getting stuck in the pile .Well done Liam .Hope your phone came today ? I can remember phones when I was younger ,they seemd to be like bricks ,compared to todays models . lol. I always feel a bit foggy in the morning due to my meds ,and Ive tried different times of day ,It does get better once they have adjusted .Unless you dont sleep well that is .Hope you are ploughing you way forward again today ?and feel like you are moving forward a little bit more .Take care ,&enjoy the sunshine ! , Luv Sue x

[WillLatch]

I’ve just dined on crackers and a particularly pungent dollop of Stilton. A cheese well worth consuming a long time after its human survival health warning date. It would be fair to say that I’VE mellowed more successfully than that churning has done over the last six days since I last scribed in this forum. Washing it down now with a pint of Fosters; about my tenth beer in the last two months and chewing (literally) a white chocolate bar, I realise too late that the choice of choccy although yummy is a bad one. Good old simple Cadburys with its built in blocks enables the practice of course of lodging a brick in the roof of your mouth and gently slobbering away during whatever activity you are pursuing. Alas the continuance of the Milky Bar encourages you to just chew lustfully away and the joyous experience is short lived.

I’ve deliberately not posted for a few days because “feeling a smudge better”, “feeling a tad worse” doesn’t make for a very interesting read. Now there’s been a short passage of time so has there been what we’ll loosely call “developments”.

It’s now a week since I upped my Cipralex to 15mg a day and I think it’s playing a part in stabilising me but it’s hard to call that shot. The phone arrived compliments of Voda; transfers of only family and NMP support was quickly achieved and the old phone silently vibrates away at times with finance companies and banks trying to make contact. Now I don’t even have to check it to see who it is. Key people have been moved. An unlimited quantity of texts is now plausible and 600 minutes of chatting to deal with those tougher anxious and alone moments all for the princely sum of £20 pcm. RESULT!

Wednesday night student son stayed with me for MY FIRST NIGHT BACK IN MY OWN HOUSE. We got up late Thursday. I was pretty drained with the amount of stress letters we’d dealt with and the first night back. But I did it. So we just chilled, went shopping, the post etc. And he disappeared at 5pm. Eldest son came at 6pm and HE stayed the night. We carried on the chill, just yacked and watched movies. He didn’t rush away Friday and soulmate was unable to pop down as she had a hectic day herself so this was it. Eldest left and I was on my own at my house for the first time in 6 weeks. Gulp.

So that was that. Sky was still running. Channel flicking I found myself “on air” with a repeat series I didn’t know was running. I went over to Discovery Shed channel and found another 2 hours of my directed programming transmitting. Instead of being pleased I felt desperately sad that the business had folded as Friday nights on any channel is a good result for presenters or/and producers. So I got off the documentaries fast and went to the movie channels. Ate chocolate, ignored the ironing and the jigsaw, ate more chocolate and looked forward with relish to the darkness that now draws in a little sooner. Took meds at normal times and disappeared to bed at the midnight hour. I keep forgetting to try classic music or radio four with a timer on the radio as part of my bedtime strategy. But I watched more movie and went off at some stage to a dreamless sleep in the blacked out, clock turned, silently (but vibration on) mobiled room.

Saturday awakening from the depths of somewhere unmapped by mankind. The increase of my meds is definitely making me foggy in the mornings. I am determined NOT to rouse myself until “Mad World” is piano’d by my son on the mobile currently set for 8am. I am NOT going to do any of the “wallowing around” at 4am stuff at this time. But that said, I’m not sure when the “foggy am I awake and just thinking or dreaming” starts… if I dare look at the clock I could be greatly disappointed… but for all I know it’s 7am or something.. I do take the odd peak at light levels round the edge of the door and curtains ande I know really when it's still too early. I’ve had to overcome the growing obsession to obscure every chink of light that penetrates the fortress!

So that was it. The first night back was got through painlessly. I DO have my support network here at NMP and my “suicide buddy” texts me and I text her. I got up eventually… put washing in the machine, dishes in the relevant appliance, and the frying pan in the fridge during a lost moment.. checked NMP, checked MSN, checked Skype, checked emails, checked mobiles… did everything but actually didn’t do anything. “Forgot” to get dressed. Hunted for a pair of shorts that seem to have disappeared. “Forgot” to shave or wash hair. There was no-one coming.. there was nowhere I had to be. So I just slobbed it and read and read and watched movies and FINALLY remembered there are fish in the pond who are dependent on me for food! I waded through the rainforest that was once a lawn. Herds of wildebeast panicked and took flight. I think I caught a glimpse of a pride of lions but I might be wrong. AND I TOOK NO DIAZEPAM. For a whole day. Night time came. The day had been a tiny step on my own. And I tried very hard NOT to feel guilty at not “doing much”.

With a little more confidence Saturday evening was spent with a couple of beers and then a difficult decision. Costner or the NMP quiz and socialising online. After a lengthy debate Costner conquered at 8.55pm because I didn’t know how the movie ended which is rare for me. So I jumped on the quiz at 9.50pm and astonishingly I won the entire contest in the last ten minutes. (Here Is perhaps the first point of straying from the truth and openness maintained through this segment of NMP forum).

A Cipralex supper, a Zolpidem nightcap and away to bed for movies and my second night on my own. I have to stop reading Wilbur Smith and move on to a greater literary challenge. So for the second time in my life I’ve stretched to the top shelf on tip toes and brought down WAR AND PEACE. It’s a while since I last read it and I’m sure the print size is smaller! There’s over 500 characters in that piece of writing. Selfishly mine here only features one. The night ran a similar pattern. No particular anxiety. And I’ve realised that the nights are not the issue. Being on my own during the daytime is. Especially if I’m NOT fighting my fires.

Of course BEING back at my place IS a big result and a major step. I went to sleep on Saturday knowing that soulmate would be here at 6pm on Sunday. One night and a day to go. Sunday I got up later. Stayed fogged. Stayed “lazy”. Worked out what time I had to actually clean me, house to a reasonable degree and make it all look as if I’d done it all ages before she arrived! But at midday I started the early stages of anx. Why? What triggered it? Guilt from lack of achieving anything? Concern about soulmate coming over? Guilt that I wasn’t at ex’s house helping her pack for her pending move this week? Diazepam withdrawal? I decided to take a Diaz as it was 48 hours since I’d gulped one down and reminded myself to stick with taking them on a daily basis as prescribed instead of adding the confusion of potential meds withdrawal to the challenge of living on my own and looking after myself again.

Soulmate arrived tired and strained after a long day of dealing with aged members of her own family and a very early start to do her own house. A pleasant evening was spent together with all the options that offers. She conked out early and went to bed, flushing and hot, coping with early menopause and a partner who wants to turn the bedroom into a sealed wartime blackout shelter with little air. I left the windows open and blacked up at about 1am, resisted the urge to spin her sleeping hair into a web around my fingers and spooned as loosely as I could, hoping I transmitted no rise in body temperature. With the scent of my best friend and soulmate drifting into my mildly sinused nose, I thought of the beach and headed happily into never never land knowing that waking Monday even if fogged, would be an awakening worthy of enthusiasm with her by my side.

[magpie girl]

liam im so proud of you mate.Just look how far you have travelled,and more importantly your torch is shinning a little brighter.I am so happy to hear soulmate stayed with you,all is not lost liam you have a partner who loves you dearly. Now when you opening your gardens as a safari park i can add a couple of parrots xxxx

[Veronica H]

Trying to imagine what it must feel like to channel hop and to find yourself there, especially when you are looking for something to help you wind down....surreal. I love your writing Liam. You have made some real progress despite the fact that your rollercoaster has been built a great deal taller and has more loops than mine. It is also worth mentioning here that despite all of your troubles, you have still taken the time to encourage others and check on your NMP buddies. Welcome home. Get those shorts on and cut the grass. You can put a deck chair out then, grab the War and Peace and a big bar of Cadbury's as a reward.

Veronicax