CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

[Veronica H]

You have achieved so much in the last few days Liam. It takes courage to face your fears and ultimately it is the only way to recovery with this illness. I think that reducing the tension and building bridges with the ex will benefit you both in the coming months and the kids will be happier too. I hope all goes well with the work/life balance and look forward to your next post.

Veronica

[WillLatch]

EASTER MONDAY. Thanks for the above Veronica H.. hadn't realised there was a page two to the forum until I signed in to write today's missive! And it's a comfort to know that I'm not just writing "in the dark". It is a therapy contribution in its own right tho so I will plough on with my public relevations. It's not been such a good week and as a result I have been responsible for backward slips of my own making. Thursday was my 51st birthday.. I've got no problem with my age. Weight is dropping, salt and Pepper hair.. maybe a tad more salt than previously. I am loved by someone special and she's supporting and fighting with me all the way. I do not need to go "out on the pull" ever again I expect.. and I never need to feel alone.

So Thursday my eldest two came over.. and we played "War of the Rings" - something we do each week now for about 2 months. It's a strategy board game based on Tolkien's wonderful writings. NOW that I can sit down pile free again, it's great fun and a total switch off as my aging mind has to do "battle" with young experienced gamers.. albeit they are mostly online. I suspect it's a stress relief for them too from their much loved partners and busy lives. We have very simple rules.. we deal with any parent/son/wife/mum stuff (The eldest is now working at home as well as still living in Mum house with his partner.. and number two is a student at a university 10 miles away and lives in a flat I bought him with credit cards last Sept.. and added to my financial pressures at a bad time). And then we DONT talk about problems, families, anx.. or anything. It's a good process and means they relax and don't wonder if Dad is going to "bang on" about mum or whatever. And visa versa with my collection of adopted daughters.

Half a mile away stopping at his friend's house was youngest.. and HE is going thru "first girlfriend" stage. We shan't spend much time on THAT part of my life.. I have a "Two down.. and one to go" principal and process. Glad I have sons.. I have no idea how I'd cope with that lot with a daughter. But I have now met the "newbie".. what a puppy!

So I laid off the Diazepam, had a few beers and a port. They stopped over so they could beer too. We had an EPIC game that was a close shave finale. And then we jumped online and played a "Pirate" thing that's called "The Burning Sea". For those of you who surf and play it's a global game that's sort of "Pirates of the Carribean" and although challenging is not as adrenalin fueling and aggresive as many "shoot n kills". I spent 15 mins sailing across a chunk of ocean the other night.. just listening to the waves and wind! However eldest son who is a dope smoker popped outside for a spliff.. and I followed. a few tokes, a blasted head and I went to bed and conked out.. woke early but managed to nod and doze until a sensible time. However I asked my son for a couple of joints so that I could chill down on Good Fri evening. My excuse was that all kids AND ex were coming round for a party on Easter Sat (my youngest is 16 this week as well).. and we'd have a piss up and it's a good time. BUT my ex was coming. An acknowledged anx before we even start.

HOWEVER on Fri...she was getting one going in her own right.. as she struggles with her side of the seperation, the concern that all that I've always supplied will go, the lack of security as all that I've built fades in value. Her latest anti eostrogen (Bet I've spult that wrong) injection for her onging cancer treatment.. the youngest with his first girlfriend JUST as he's coming up to GCSE revision time.. and of course we all know EXACTLY where his head is.. and he can't JUST fly through the human biology exam to the detriment of all other subjects! I'm dropping off the youngest who's just been visiting the girlfriend and she wants him to stop karting fot the exam period. Well that could have caused a right lah lah of a row... as youngest looked at me.. and I could see the panic. I handled it well tho.. and was pleased with myself. Pointed out it was birthday week for me and him, party in 24 hours.. she could sit there with all the exam schedules and calendars she wanted.. but it was also Easter and I just wasn't going to get into a headbang with her about this at that time. But so very SADLY it was enough.. and the mind that had decided NOT to collect the spliffs my son had rolled, turned the bad corner.. and I hunted him up, collected the two joints.. and went home and puffed them.

It was a great chill down! I watched a movie, some stand-up... laughed a lot, decided to leave the housework and party prep until the following morning.. conked out.. and woke at not too bad a time. Just like it was for all those years of shut down.

Easter Sat. 1 Diazepam. It's going to be a long day... Texted EX and said nicely.. if you're head's not up to party or trying to leave "stuff" at home..that despite being very welcome.. don't come. Got consiliatory text back. So.. all back on track but damage done for me. Also she was STAYING OVER. Gulp. Vulnerable. No more tablets for the day.... wanted a few drinks with the kids. Took WHOLE day to sort out multiple beds and bits n pieces.. cursing myself for dossing the night before. Made the deadline. PARTY!

Went very well... lovely atmosphere... there was only seven of us.. the complete family.. but despite the small number we did fancy dress. Seeing my eldest as Adolf Hitler was very very funny. I host well frankly and I can cook...and just for a change I did a cold spread so that I could BE there and not bombing in and out to attend to pots, pans and plates. I had too much to drink. And then I slapped a few puffs on my son's spliff. And that did me in. Folding pages, wooshing head.. all that "You've done too much stuff". So I had to be a party poop and go and lie down! Where I promptly nodded off. But all was well and they had a good time. Apparently dancing took place that I was utterly oblivious to.

So I awoke too early on Easter Sunday. And had to kill time. But not comfortable time. My ex was in the room next door. And because the kids would all be crashed out..I suggested we go for a harley ride... if we had just done that and she'd gone; I wouldn't be in the state I am today.

We made tea and toast, and went to the conservatory and talked. And out came all her stuff. Her anxieties and concerns. For herself, her future. Her unhappiness with her work. Her concern about "college student" who doesn't come home to see her so much now. The youngest and the girlfriend. Karting and exams. Her health. She's ****ted her car, killed the gate on the drive and clearly needs a replacement. (car that is). Her aging skin. How she tells her family about the seperation that happened some time ago. Where she's going to live. How will she find someone.

And I realised that despite all the difficulties and problems between us.. that I'm still the only person she can really talk to.. so she's torn between hating me, jealousy of the relationship I have with our sons..my life with my partner, "losing the financial safety net" she's always had.. and her need for me still to "lean on and be there really".. and as a result.. her passive aggressive stuff makes ME feel bad, negative, responsible, helpless but I should help...etc.... and telling someone that there's no quick fix to the finances.. that I'm just NOT going to add to MY stresses by taking on a car finance deal for HER.. that will last four years or whatever.. that MY credit cards are chock a block and that she just has to use her own (Which are at NIL balance I'll just chuck in).. Just made ME feel worse.

Across came the band of tension... 3 diazepam through the day to try and take the edge off... She went home.. and gradually the kids disappeared to their various adventures. The party was a success. It was also excellent for the children as they can feel less concerned about those times when we WILL need to be family; graduations, weddings, children etc. There is as Veronica H says... benefit for us and the children by reducing tensions and building bridges.. but jeeeez: I can WELL UNDERSTAND why people just call it quits with each other and walk in different directions. I want to work at REDUCING my pressures, lessening the load I've created, cut back on the financial commitments.. and as well as that I've got to help the mother of my children and a partner in my life for nearly thirty years, LET GO OF ME AND STAND ON HER OWN TWO FEET. And that creates guilt and great emotional difficulty for me. I am not a bad man....I am not a selfish one. EXCEPT for the bit that wants the children to see I've done my best and not abandoned their mum.

My soulmate arrived yesterday evening..and began to pick up the pieces. I had no booze, the spliffs are gone and won't be back for quite some time. I dozed and nodded and tried to stay awake which shouldn't have been difficult with Die Hard 4. but was. I took a Zolpidem... and I conked at 11pm.. and woke and dozed at 5.30 onwards... and I woke ok.

But today within half an hour of waking.. it all hit me again.. and I was off. 1 Diazepam didn't help. Stupid stupid man. The booze, the dope, the Diazepam and possibly the Zolpidem. The stress of the ex.. and the knowledge that 2moro is Tuesday and it's back to work.. and pushing the snowball back up the hill.. BECAUSE a TV channel did NOT pay what the had promised to by last Thursday.. so I go back to face the cashflow demons again. AND those final hurdles of the disaproving finance companies etc.

AND I had to go to the family home (ex house) to fix the gate that she'd ****ted with her car... cos the youngest was worried that the dog would get out. So.. I had to go "home" in that sense and do "man stuff". I don't like being on her territory any more. I'm uncomfortable and I'm "gone" from there. A 2nd diazepam. Not much improvement. Wondering how much is side effects from the Zolpidem Hmmm... only having one a week, but maybe that's not good when I'd shocked my system with alcohol,cannabis and Diazepam.

Fixed gate. Hugged birthday boy.. and left them to it.. he has a friend over AND the girlfriend meeting his mum.. and they're off out to TGI Fridays. I'm ok about not being there... our CLOSE family party was the one for me n him on Sat no prob. I so hope the new puppy gets along alright with youngest's mum tho. I'm not there to "police" stuff. ALSO the other two girlfriends hae been on the scene for about five years each. I hope the pack behaves and there's little howling at the moon.

So...it's time to breath, knowing that I DONT need to see the ex for a little while..and I say that nicely because sometimes when you're carrying your own burdens with this head stuff it is so hard to take on others as well.... the boys are ALL here Wednesday night...2 for gaming, the 3rd cos Thursday is an extra karting day and we have to get up early. Friday he launches on the open road with his moped test (2 done, 1 to go)..and then it's KARTING WEEKEND! SWITCH OFF TIME.

STRATEGY for the week. Start again 2moro. NO booze. NO dope. NO Zolpidem I hope. STAY UP LATER AND PLAY "PIRATES" -BOUND to find a son online.. Try and get the Diazepam reduced. 2moro is CBT FOUR day... HOPEFULLY Ms Soulful Eyes will have had a chance to look at this before I go.. otherwise I'm going to have to "confess" all the stuff I did "wrong" this week.

HOWEVER... I AM making progress at changing my thinking when I awake about work and telling myself to STOP IT.. I then go.."So what shall I think about then".. and there's a period of indecisiveness.. and I seem to fall asleep again. THIS IS GOOD. This is breaking THAT cycle of THINKING-FEELING-BEHAVIOUR-CONSEQUENCE. A KEY ELEMENT of CBT.

I also have "faced some demons" with the ex.. because having conveyed my thoughts as considerately but candidly as I could, I then said we shouldn't need to go over this ground again..we must find strategies for moving forward. And she agreed. Another good step. We also don't NEED to try and get together for several months as there are no family merges in the traditional sense. A bit of text perhaps daily.. we'll see.

So.. here endeth Easter for me.
I have conveyed my thoughts quite honestly
The lessons learnt we shall soon see
And tomorrow is my CBT!

Have a good week everyone.. and long live NMP! Liam

[Veronica H]

another great post. Good luck with the next CBT session.

Veronica

[suzy-sue]

Well done ! its better than a serial in the news paper.Its rather common for a lot of us sufferrers ,to be always trying to please everyone ,trying to be all things to all people.Knowing when to say No ,is a start to lessen the burdens we bring and inflict upon ourselves.I think you have come to that point in a particular area of your life Liam. Look forward to the next instalment.Hope the cbt went well!. SUE

[WillLatch]

Tues 14th… Session 4 of CBT. I burbled at length yesterday about the “mishaps”, trials and tribulations of the last week… so we can shortly move on to today and session four.

BECAUSE last night was a good night really, as strategies and effort are STARTING to bear fruit. Forty eight hours since I’d had alcohol and cannabis. Monday as reported I had 3 Diazepam in total at 2mgs per to try and calm down. My mental jury is out as to whether the anxiety and tightness was solely down to the hoo hah with the ex or a physiological reaction to mixing alcohol, cannabis, Diazepam and zolpidem. Let’s settle for the whole lot! PLUS concern for the return to the work place today of course. As a side note it is the FIRST Easter bank holiday Monday I have taken off in about 20 years as they are days of uninterrupted time that enable the self employed addicted workaholic to have some catch up of the 400 matters that always seem to be outstanding.

Played online at Pirates until about 1230 with enthusiastic and indulgent son who helped his old man improve his game. Decided though that I didn’t want an anxious night or the risk of one so I went for just 5mg of Zolpidem. I can HEAR the addictive voice in my head already going “two a week won’t do you any harm” and THAT is how it starts! However.. I took it at 12.45.

NEW CLOCK TACTIC. It was being a tad annoying having to switch on the bedside jobbie and re-set in the mornings so I could actually KNOW the time during waking hours. (Don’t know if I’ve mentioned this earlier in thread but there’s clocks EITHER side of the bed… his n hers.. but of course I have/had visual access to both when soulmate not here.) REVELATION.. TURN IT AROUND! Hah! The smallest ideas can be a result. If I really want to look at the time I have to make more effort than sitting up and gawping – I have to reach out and turn it around. So.. I won’t do it until I’m awake with daylight filtering through OR I have been woken by “Mad World”. Lay down, reached for a book… fast asleep in ten mins.

I awoke at some stage in the dark. A work thought slipped in.. I told myself STOP IT very loudly in my head, MADE myself think about the karting weekend ahead and back to sleep until 6.3oish. RESULT!

8am today and off to work. A BIT of anx..but not as bad. CBT at 3pm. NOTHING to fear or be concerned about there. Emailed Ms Soulful Eyes and hope she gets the jist of the tougher week. Took a Diaz. Did all the online banking. SOME money had come in. But still not enough for this week's up and coming payroll. Chased all the ones I could chase. Sorted out all the positive stuff. Looked at the file with the half dozen unpleasant jobs. Re-arranged paperclips. I SAID I’d deal with them ALL. Haven't started. Had coffee and a slightly stale hot cross bun. Looked at file with unpleasant jobs. Found excuse to do something else. CBT in 2 hours.

Had another shuffle of paperclips. Took 2nd Diazepam. Realised I was going round in a circle. Decided to RIDE to CBT rather than drive. Air blasting into face on a motorcycle helps clear your lungs! Arrived at Clinic 10 mins early. Ms CBT was having coffee breather but took me STRAIGHT in. How kind and thoughtful not to leave me waiting. She’d read the forum. Knew that it had been a tough week.

So we talked. SURPRISED HOW MUCH I WAS STILL COVERING GROUND ABOUT THE EX. SHE CAN STILL “GET THROUGH AND UPSET ME”. However, lights are dawning and I SEE THAT. And as Suzy-Sue has rightly pointed out above I must learn to say NO and encourage her to take on the responsibilities of what I've always carried. The responsibilities for her own life.

It's now gone 1am. And I'm going to stop writing for the night, take 5mg of Zolp and go to sleep. I'll pick this up again 2moro and I apologise for lack of edit and any typos. I should have started early in the evening but Russell Crowe distracted me with "3.10 to Yuma". Goodnight all. Sleep well and long live NMP. Liam

[WillLatch]

Wednesday 15th. Forgot to say NO Diazepam after CBT. My hour helped me get back under control. So that was a day with two tablets only. Conked out quick enough.. and with the odd rise during the night, again using the STOP IT strategy at the work bits.. bird song filtered thru with some daylight (I think I'll get some total blackout curtains) "Mad World" woke me at 7am. A BETTER NIGHT.

So... let's look at the session from yesterday. This is my thread so I won't disturb the privacy of the ex. I'm here to help myself get better and if others benefit from my writings then excellent. But there's no doubt really that she is well used to getting her way by making me feel bad about myself or making me feel disaproved of. Probably pretty much as my mother did when I was a kid. But let's draw a line somewhere and not go back THAT far at this time! :-)

Ms CBT said "Let's draw a line under the weekend". And move on. The work and sleep related strategies were certainly beginning to improve matters and I have more confidence about them. But I still haven't faced the 6 smelly tasks. SO along with my decision NOT to touch cannabis (and I won't) for at least 3 months (lifetime is too long a step to take at the present time) I said I would deal with ALL SIX smelly jobs by the next session of CBT. "Why?" she asked. Why not settle for ONE? DAMN IT.. THIS STUFF CAN BE SO OBVIOUS when you have just the gentlest of nudges! And that is my goal. ONE of the tasks. I am away tomorrow so I WILL do it on Friday. And if I don't I STILL have Monday to do it.. so I can "report" that one has been done before next week's session. It is so strange for me as a person who has carried much stress, burden, self created pressure for so long through a recession and total business collapse in 1992 to find myself struggling to write a few simple letters of discussion when I am sooo soooo not alone in this time of financial pressure.

But here's a thing. And here's a thing that MAYBE others might wanna consider. AND I THINK THIS COULD BE JUST AS APPLICABLE TO PERSONAL FINANCIAL PRESSURE AS WELL AS BUSINESS. Bear with me here while I take a slight detour from the CBT session.

One of my finance houses that I need to deal with rang today. One of the smelly six. I TOOK the call. And she was a very pleasant Aussie to talk to. I took the bull by the horn and "rehearsed" what I was going to write. I owe this company £50,000 for equipment. It's a lot of money but the principle is no different for someone who owes a million or someone who owes £300 on their credit card. It's all relative. I am supposed to pay £1345 a month. I KNOW the interest part (their earnings) is £250. The rest is return of monies borrowed. I said.. "I am going to offer £500 a month for 3 months, £650 for another 3 months, £750 for a 3rd quarter and £1000 pcm for the last quarter. And that EXACTLY one year from now I would return payments to £1345 per month. And they should extend the agreement accordingly to cover the shortfall and the additional interest. How did she think that would be received?" And she said "Oh I so wish others could look at the bigger long term picture. We are inundated with people unable to pay and they can't look for or come up with answers other than how to deal with and make requests about the next month never mind beyond". Now then.... it SEEMED scary to offer £500 when I should be paying £1345.. BUT I offered what I BELIEVED I could manage.. realistically and a longer term plan. And I believe they will accept it when I send it in. And HERE is the benefit for me.. .BEYOND the easier payment schedule. THEY WILL GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE for one year.. and there is NO REASON for them to call. And that MUST REDUCE MY ANXIETY by one more factor. I pushed it further. Said on the months I felt I might not meet the commitment I'd put SOMETHING in the pot and then do my best to catch up the remainder. She said the systems were fine.. as long as they saw something coming in. There would be no defaults, no credit rating problems.. an agreement would be in place. Inevitably they would eventually get all their money... and I would keep the equipment I needed to do my job and secure my staff. SO THERE YOU GO. It's one to chew over. And for ME.. it's the ONE I DO ON FRIDAY.. because I don't have to worry about rejection, disaproval... and get anxious about it. At the end of the day.. they'd be daft to not take my proposal of course. But this is a BIG step back to working the problems. I'm not being cavelier.. it's "only money and business". I'm not planning or trying to steal it or evade it.

So... back to CBT session four. 1 business hurdle to try and climb over. Let's not even start pretending I'll do another. (But who knows).

The ex. I must learn to begin to feel better about myself when I am not doing what she wants or expects anymore. There is no great cheque for having "put up with me" all these years. No golden handshake... we have nowt.. Just like so many other people in our situation. HOWEVER we do fair better than lots because we are NOT forced to live under the same roof and wait until the property market returns to some value and our equities can be split. (I think that could take 3 years just to get it BACK let alone move on). In time as business improves (as long as I do) I will see she gets half of whatever I've built. I will not for the sake of having her approve of me for a whole 48 hours commit myself to 48 months of car finance for her. But I will help her FIND a car if she chooses to. I WILL NOT FEEL BAD FOR NOT BEING COMFORTABLE OR WANTING TO SUPPORT HER DURING HER RECOVERY FROM CANCER. But I WILL support as best as I can. I will though take a couple of weeks of contact break in the real sense... just so I can continue to try and calm down.

I will start teaching myself to say "No I can't afford or manage that at this time" to my children.. who like all of us parents I would die for if need be. DESPITE the guilt we feel when we consider we've not served them best as parents.

And that will do for this week. It's 2pm. I've had ONE diazepam and eased the stress by writing. I am "looking forward" to reading this again later to remind myself and reinforce what I acheived with the finance company and how I will write and what I will write on Friday. And what does that mean? I HAVE TAKEN A LITTLE BIT OF CONTROL BACK AGAIN. That is a good thing. Learning to take control without controlling.. Hmmm.. that's a debate for another day.

There's a karting weekend ahead. Friday I launch youngest onto the open road on his moped.. and suffer like all others in similar situations the pressure of a world that is far more aggresive than it used to be in the way that people move around in vehicles.

I have much to look forward to this week. Oh.. and I haven't had a drop of alcohol since Saturday night either. Which has meant a better functioning willy. Will NMP admin let me get away with that.. :-) Back next week for session 5 of CBT... and I thought I'd look at "THE ART OF LEARNING TO SAY NO" and the implications of such a challenge after 50 + years of constantly seeking approval and being devastated when people don't like me. As for those who are kindly following this thread and who generously write their encouragement I truly thank you all for playing a part in my recovery process and if just ONE person gets something back from this growing list of words.. how GOOD THAT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL ABOUT MYSELF. Have a great week everyone.. and long live NMP. (More to read this week Ms Soulful Eyes... do I get an extra bill for that? ;-)... Liam xx

[Veronica H]

Hi Liam
Thanks for continuing to share your problems and ideas with us. I could so empathise with the need for approval and being unable to say no. Look after yourself and enjoy the time with your kids.

Veronica

[Yvonne]

Hi Liam

I think you should publish lol. D'you know something you do pretty fantastically in my book for someone who suffers this crap. Well done. You seem so positive as well.

[WillLatch]

And a moment of feel good for me courtesy of two fellow members. Just worked out I've written over 10,000 words so far. Asked NMP admin if there had to be a limit to my wordage.. and there are none. No limits to words, honesty or openess. I've even been allowed the word willy. Shall we start ANOTHER thread and look at THAT aspect of anxiety? Willy or Wonty? In the anonymous world that protects us at NMP I haven't yet worked out the ratio of men and women. If anyone has.. please do message me! :-)

[Yvonne]

Will

No I haven't worked out the ratio of men and women but have a feeling there are more women.

Yes, please do start another thread - I know I'll enjoy reading it - content doesn't matter too much because your writing is a pleasure to read.

Take care.