CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

[WillLatch]

Ok.. here we go then. Citalopram. I must write with care and remind people that everyone's experiences are different. Firstly I read a lot about the side effects. And indeed I found out recently that my ex had been prescribed Cital in her own right but having read the side effects she'd chosen not to take it.

I took mine on Thursday night as planned at 11pm. 20mg and 20mg of Temazepam. I nodded to sleep about midnight. At 2am I awoke with a massive sweat, specifically my feet, shivers, shakes, dry mouth, and the WORSE OF THE WORSE "Anx band" as I've taught myself to call it.. the same band of adrenalin whatever right across my entire abdomen. The same physiological experience as I had when stopping the sleepers previously threaded. ONLY THIS WAS MUCH WORSE. I was unable to leave my bed yesterday (Friday). Couldn't stop curling and uncurling my toes.. could only ease the sensation by rolling up in a ball and constantly switching sides. Suicidal thoughts flitted in and then out. I then stayed awake for 24 hours. By Friday evening it had started to fade and it dropped away overnight some more and has gone now. 36 hours. NO WAY IS THAT DRUG GOING IN AGAIN. I clearly can't handle that kind of medication. I am not depressed. I am suffering a lot of anxiety and stress. Everything I've built is going down the toilet. That's all understandable. It'll go down even further and faster if I had to spend any more days like I did reacting like that yesterday. To reduce some chemicals I only had 2 x 2mg of Diaz yesterday and 10mg of Temaz. I note what Ronski says. Today I've only had a single 2mg of Diaz. I shall only have 10mg of Temaz.. and then another 10 later if needed.

Again noting what Ronski says above.. these were real bio chemical reactions to the drug. I didn't feel any more anxious. On the contrary I was doing better by Thursday with the Diaz/Temaz combo.. but Citalopram. Nope. I cannot even see the merit of trying quarters of halves.. or anything with it. My body doesn't like the stuff.

I'm not going to write much tonight. Thanks to those who PMd me. appreciated. Just came out the quiz room. Pleasant switch off for an hour. MUST try to get up and out 2moro... fresh air etc. Wimbledon is a good excuse to close the blackout blind and stay in the dark places. Goodnight all. Liam xx

[nomorepanic]

It was lovely to see you in the quiz tonight Liam

I am always thinking of you even if I don't reply.

[Veronica H]

Hi Liam

So sorry you had to find out this way that Citalopram is not the drug for you. Those were major side effects. I have to say that this drug has really helped me although I only take 10mg, and as you say we are all different.

Veronicax

[Yvonne]

Hi Liam

Hmmmmmmmmmmm --- yes I gently try to warn people about the meds on start up - but don't like to scare the crap out of people.

I have lived that experience you described so well many many many times. It can indeed be hell for some of us getting on these meds.

Thing is Liam, the medication is not just for depression - they are to help anxiety states as well. You suffered very badly that night, however that may not have happened with the second dosage. Nevertheless the experience has scared you to death and you aint gonna get on the anti depressant meds merry go round by the sounds of it.

Stop worrying about the other meds, the cutting down on the diaz etc etc. Fair enough if you don't feel you need it then don't take it. But.... take the stuff as and when - don't bloomin suffer!!!

Take great care Liam and hope the weekend is going well. xx

[suzy-sue]

For a first time on taking this type of medication,its very unfortunate you had such a bad experience Liam I had a very bad time when I went on it ,but the end result made it worthwhile...I couldnt of got through it if I had to deal with all the things you have at the moment tho.A lower dose would have been more suitable to start on ,for someone who is sensitive to medications ,like yourself. I m glad you have now got it out of your system and the current meds will keep you functioning.Hope you managed to get some fresh air today and have a manageable week ahead.Take care Sue

[WillLatch]

Thursday 2nd July. I guess some followers of my forum might be wondering why I’d stopped writing this week. Well it is because I made a bad decision last Sunday and as a consequence of the respect I have for this site I had to seek permission from the admins of NMP to be able to continue the story before I could post further. To the serious credit of Nic and the team I have been allowed to proceed as a process of my own ongoing therapy and to maybe help look more closely at where things go wrong when we find ourselves in the darkest of places at the end of the day.

After a weekend of wrestling through the possible biochem reactions to the Citalopram, too much time on my own, a failure to get out and get on with stuff and a general state of increased anxiety about the oncoming train of the business crisis.. after a raging debate with myself from 7am to 12 midday on Sunday after more sleepless nights I decided to have a hot tub and try and calm myself down a bit. I rarely tub in the day. Especially in hot weather.

It did calm me but negatively. I made the decision that I’d had enough. I got out the tub, cooled down, dried off and collected my tablets plus some high powered pain killers left over from Diverticulitis last year. I am not going to divulge here the quantities, or the drugs involved or the process of calculating what was required to “succeed” with my decision. I took the tablets, jumped onto online banking, transferred all the monies I could find into the accounts of my ex, my children and my soulmate, typed a word document to leave on the desktop of the computer with a simple explanation and a few thoughts and “words of strength” to those I was leaving behind as fast as I could because my lights were fading and texted my soulmate not to come round that evening as she would normally because I was ok but wanted some quiet thinking time and that I’d see her in the morning. And then with reality fading fast, before I could mess up or alert anyone I went up to bed and lay down to sleep. It was 12.30pm.

My next memory is of hearing soulmate calling my name and slapping my hand, a vague picture of a paramedic and then waking in the Acute Assessment Unit at the hospital. Apparently my soulmate had arrived at 6.30pm because I’d not responded to her telephone calls. I’m not going to describe the events that happened that I was unaware of, the process that I apparently went through or the details that have subsequently been relayed to me.

So there we go. A step too far. A greatly upset family and friends. Devastated ex and soulmate. The recognition that I was clearly more ill than I’d realised. And now I’ve told the readers of NMP.

Four days later where am I? I’m at a point where I recognise I had nowhere further to fall. I can perhaps describe it as being in the middle of a small black cylinder. There seemed no gaps, no light, no pathway out. I wonder if only those that have been there can actually relate to the feeling.

There are those that say suicide is a selfish act. I can see the validity of that point of view. The consequences for my family and friends, my children especially are dreadful to contemplate. And indeed student son is blissfully unaware as he’s in Florida on girlfriend holiday. After an initial reaction of anger from my other sons they’ve been hugely supportive and haven’t levelled a single criticism at my actions. It is only me who’s starting to think about how a sixteen year old may well have had to live his life without his father to be there for him. Whatever messes I’m in now he certainly will be making enough of his own that I will have had experience of and as a parent I’m supposed to be there as long as I can be to offer that experience, as well of course as to reap the benefits of watching the growth and development of my own children over what should be many years.

Why would this be any different for the other older children? Why should the mother of my children have to try and carry the responsibilities of passing on experience and support as well as try to help them cope with their grief and loss for themselves and their own future families?

These are just the immediate thoughts and affects of my action if it had been “successful”. It could be deemed as selfish that I didn’t factor and think of these aspects before I acted on my decision but I believe I was in such a dark cylinder that such thoughts just didn’t really enter my head. I’d had enough. It was a “simple as that”.

This could be a rather long posting and I have to think very carefully about the wordage before I post. So I think I’ll do this in stages and settle for the above consequences as being the first that I’ve considered as the most dire.

I do not plan to “beat myself up” though. Part of the issues I’m trying to cope with are of course about guilt; family, ex, work associates and staff. I’m just not going to add more guilt to consider because I have to start finding ways of taking steps back up the ladder as I have most definitely acknowledged that I’ve been on the ground below the bottom rung.

Tomorrow I am back at the doctor. Having met with the local triage support they are recommending that I am prescribed Escitalopram which apparently will become effective more quickly and hopefully less side effects. Needless to say I won’t be able to get any sleep medication and that is going to be a problem because I slept like a log on Monday night obviously still heavily sedated but Tuesday and last night only managed 1 hour per night. But I have some Diazepam and have only had 2 x 2mg per day for the last two days. I shall try and take 1 at bedtime tonight and see if that helps.

HOWEVER I AM NOT ALONE. I am back with my family with the agreement of my ex, and soulmate has taken over totally the issues of dealing with work matters and is working closely with ex and my kids to help me rest for a few days.

My sons have installed my computer in “student son’s” old room and now I can step onto the first rung of the ladder with this posting. I shall really rest for a few days, I shall visit the chat room in the middle of the night if I am awake to see who else is there at “unpleasant hours” – I’ve not done that before. I shall play Pirates. I shall read. And I shall stay OFF the emails etc until Monday.

I shall work at this forum and try to find valid words of contribution that may benefit others who find themselves in the cylinder. I shall with NMP’s blessing continue to tell it as it happens and see how we go from here a step at a time.

I’ll close now though by saying that I have realised that all I had to do to stop such a potentially devastating chain of events was say HELP.. via a text, a telephone call, NMP chatroom. Family, friends, colleagues. Even my pal the Samaritan. There are in my life a lot of people I could have said HELP to and they would all have rallied.

What a foolish man. A simple single word at a critical time. I shall always remember that now. And I hope others will when they find the cylinder has closed around them. The single word – HELP. I DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO COMPLICATE THE SENTENCE WITH THE WORD "PLEASE".

[nomorepanic]

Aww Liam

That brought a tear to my eye.

Not what you had done but the words that you wrote here - they were "said" with honesty and you have obviously had time to reflect on what you did and why and you now know that you can always reach and ask for Help whenever you need it again.

People do care - even strangers on here and if you ever need us just ask ok?

I am glad you decided to post this and let us know what happened and thank you for contacting me prior to this post and letting me know what happened and then humbly asking if you could stay on NMP. You are a true gent Liam.

Take love and comfort from those around you at the moment and be "looked after" for a while

xx

[WillLatch]

Wow Nic.. that was a fast reply! Have you been monitoring my forum to make sure the wordage was ok.. or is that a tiny bit of personal ego coming out of my dark place? If so there's a bit of my life showing a sign! ;-) Thank you for your support. I think I can continue to write a contribution of value for others as well as myself but I will take it slowly and edit with care before pressing that "Post quick reply" button! The course of action I took will I am sure have been considered by many of the members and guests here however fleetingly and it is not to be written about lightly. This site works well by helping people recognise that they are not alone and experience shared with fellow sufferers can lighten loads. Once again, thanks for allowing me the opportunity of continuing with your trust, faith and support. Liam xx

[nomorepanic]

I was clicking on active topics and yours was on there so I thought I would reply now to let you know that I was thinking of you.

I am sure more will follow soon too.

[Veronica H]

Dear Liam

I am so happy that you are still with us. The world would be a poorer place without you. Keep connecting with your family and friends and talking things through. I am so going to kick your A** when you feel better though for giving me such a fright. Love and Hugs.

Veronicax