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Thread: CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
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    4,936

    Re: CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

    Two more excellent posts Liam,well done.You seem to be making progress, the answers are inside you & im sure youll make the right desicions and compromises to eventually reach a point that you feel your life is more balanced and acceptable.Your honesty is admirable and i wish you a happy w/e . I Look forward to the next instalment. A new thread sounds like a good idea,tho men usualy shy away from such things.thou a little while back on the citalopram forum quite a few responded to such matters ,being anonymous obviously makes people more able to speak about things without feeling embarrassed. All the Best Sue

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
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    161

    Re: CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

    Hello Suzy Sue... thank you for your supportive post. For a SHORT update as opposed to my usual lengthy diatribes, there has been NO diazapem or Zolpidem since before Tuesday's session of CBT. I've had two glasses of port this evening after a GOOD day of kart training with my son on a rain soaked track. He'd have LOVED a training day on slicks and no slippery surfaces to try and cling onto. WHAT IS SO DIFFERENT FOR US ANXIOUS ONES? He had to confront his demons and sometimes lost control and spun off the track. What did he do? He drove back on in torrential rain, and tried to go round the bend again. And slowly but surely he chipped 10ths of a second off his lap times.. and the racer who thrashed him two weeks ago was gradually equalled in pace. A champion on the track last year was equalled in bad conditions by my youngest son today. What was different for my son? Today he had the support and guidance of someone who was a champion at the track about 30 years ago.. a man of experience and the talent to pass on his skill, support and encouragement. But if my boy had NOT really listened, not taken that suggested guidance and support, I'd have wasted the investment and he'd be no further.. he'd not show any greater control; he FOUND that control, his last laps were his best and today we quit while we were ahead. This weekend he gets the chance to reinforce the training and follow a newly attempted racing line. IS THERE ANY DIFFERENCE WITH CBT?

    For me, I was proud and pleased as a Dad. Last night's sleep without chemical support wasn't great. But I've had a LOT worse. I had to get up at 6am to make flasks of tea and I'd only gone to sleep at about 1.30am. I woke a few times and stupidly I'd turned the clock back round but it WAS a better night compared to many. And I was only a little physically tired.

    I've had a few thoughts today about having a Zolpidem to make sure I slept. HOWEVER Suzy-sue's post has helped me decide NOT to take one. So it's half an hour of Pirates for me.. and I'm going to bed with no tablet. If all hell breaks loose I SHALL take one.. but 5mg instead of 10. And I won't feel guilty if I do. Suzy-Sue with no forethought or personal knowledge other than this thread, with just some supportive words, has at the very least reduced my decision for chemical support by 50%. Tomorrow we will know if it was a 100% result for ME. If it was... then Suzy-Sue gets the credit for giving me the nudge to try. Good night all. Long live NMP.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
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    326

    Re: CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

    Well down, your really getting somewhere and facing your fears I'm following your thread its very interesting but also full of knowledge. Your therapist sounds fab, I'm looking for one that I feel comfortable with. Good luck/

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
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    2,428

    Re: CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

    Hi Liam,
    I think it is a good idea to reduce the meds rather than go cold turkey. I hope you had a better night. You shared a moment with your son at the Karting event, and you are right in that this illness is ultimately about how much effort we are prepared to put in to changing the way we think.....hard though isn't it? Keep going my friend and have a good weekend.

    Veronica

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    161

    Re: CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

    YAYYYY! No meds. No more port after 9pm, Clock to the wall, bit of Pirates, Bit of Poldark. Set the "mad world" alarm. Woke a couple of times, nothing major. One of them I said to myself "Looks as if you may wake up.. perhaps read a book". Found partner's nightie under her pillows. Took a sniff of her, smiled, breathed in deeply the blue sky and blew away the cloud. And disapeared back into the land of nod. Woke when a jackdaw started having an argument with his own reflection on my bedroom window and realised there was daylight. Therefore it was ok to turn the clock and take a gawp... 6.47. "Mad World" was due to play at 7am. RESULT!

    Posts above.. thanks guys. To Nicola I say I was sorry to see you were posting at 4.40am... I'm very pleased though that you found the thread to follow and I hope I can offer some comfort if you're awake again at that time of day. BUT I am just guessing that you're there cos you can't sleep; for all I know you're a nightworker having a quick surf! :-)

    Veronica H - I agree wholeheartledy with the need to reduce meds rather than cold turkey. But meds have "only" played a part in my life for 3 months in terms of pills and the strategy works for me to see it thru cold - with an occasional respite if the walls begin to become a possible bounce area or sleep evades for the wrong reasons. I certainly wouldn't recommend a sudden cut off for those who are on long term support, greater strengths and more potent drugs than my takings. YES THIS ILLNESS IS ULTIMATELY ABOUT HOW MUCH EFFORT WE ARE PREPARED TO PUT INTO CHANGING THE WAY WE THINK. YES IT IS VERY HARD! We also have to get a perspective (somehow) on that effort.. so that we don't just become "addicted and focused" on ourselves and the condition. Cut some slack and think and do other stuff BEYOND what is required. I hope that sentence makes sense - I'll re-look at what I'm trying to say there another time.

    I think I'm trying to say that CBT IS AN EXTRAORDINARILY VALUABLE TECHNIQUE FOR THOSE THAT IT CAN WORK FOR - BECAUSE MEDS DO NOT WORK OR CURE. THEY JUST ABATE. So there's an inevitability to finding a therapy that can ease, aid and ultimately heal, cure and be on "standby" for any future re-occurance. Just because I haven't got a bandage on my head doesn't mean I'm not poorly. I have NO concern whatsoever with any assumed stigma either.

    The stresses and strains of the lives and approach to life that we've taken on and allowed ourselves to adopt.. and I'm referring to the "collective we've" here.. not a ROYAL or ME one.. I'm referring to us as a species.. burdened additionally by our material world.. means that it truly is time to take stock and re-evaluate.

    I'm not saying we should all rush off to live in wooden huts in trees (although if it had broadband I might be able to consider it).. I have no wish to lose my fancy car, home or toys.. but I do think that a major part of my ongoing strategy will be to re-evaluate the value of what I do and how I spend my time.

    I have now been drug free for 72 hours bar 2 glasses of port. A great weekend ahead of karting and a BRILL WEATHER FORECAST. Youngster gets his slicks and dry surface. As I write he's out there doing his bike test in foul weather. And I'm going to go look at that ONE stinky financial thing I said I would do before Tuesday's session of CBT. On the other hand... I MAY just go and clean the mud and filth off the kart, mix fuel and see if I can win a Pirate battle with any son I can find online. Hmmmm... WHICH is of the greatest significance at this moment of time?
    Last edited by WillLatch; 17-04-09 at 12:58.

  6. #26

    Re: CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

    I just have to say what a fantastic thread this is. I have been sat here for an hour reading intently. I suffer from panic and anxiety attacks and i bloody hate it! I started CBT 5 weeks ago. Things are lookin good and im really hoping it works for me. I am willin gto put 100 percent in everytime. I look forward to reading most posts on this thread.
    Best wishes
    Sherrie

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
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    161

    Re: CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

    Monday 20th April. I thought I'd post a chunk of wordage so that tomorrow I focus solely on writing about the 5th session of CBT.

    I've had NO pills since last Tues morn! I have JUST completed TWO of the financial things off the stinky list! ONE at least needed to be done as that was part of this week’s strategy. There was the need therefore to come to work and "get stuck in" today.

    We had a GREAT weekend at karting although we had our disapointment on the track. That said, he started off the back of the grid for the final and climbed half a dozen rungs up the ladder. There were others a LOT worse off than that. (At least six of them!) We continued to learn, it is all absorbing at the time and a great way to switch off.

    I get fresh air, I now have a wind burnt face and there’s no doubt that I burn a few calories as I spend the entire time on my feet working with spanners and screwdrivers and then shoving a kart trolley around. I wouldn’t want to tax the driver with a bit of pushing now and then would I! HAH!

    I have pretty much followed all strategy decisions made for the week and held the line on stuff already in place. My 3 areas of anxiety are of course now established. 1) Work/cashflow. 2) My Ex. 3) Sleeping. Obviously numbers 1 and 2 are the cause of 3.

    1) I have now stopped thinking of cashflow as an area of anxiety in its own right. It is of course part of work. Cashflow DID improve last week. I pushed certain buttons more effectively and I was able to go away for the weekend knowing that there was enough in the bank to cover the bills for the early part of THIS week at least. But it is NOT going to go away in a miracle of money making. I have to learn to deal with it. Well in fact RE-learn. Because it’s ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS REALLY. Living and delivering to myself and the family beyond my means, but always confident that I’d find an answer. It wasn’t good to find that confidence jilted.

    But it ISNT re-learn is it. It’s re-evaluate and allow myself to be human, fallible, just like every other member of my family is allowed to be WITHIN the walls of my protection. After 51 years on this planet I'm beginning to realise it's OK to be me and have needs and wants that are every bit as justified as the requirements of those I love. Today I came into work WITHOUT THE HORRID TUMMY FEELING.

    2) With regards to my Ex.. I’ve TAKEN the break I needed in communications without “abandoning” her. Sent short, supportive texts. Going to take a two month moratorium as it’s GCSE season for youngest and I want it to go as smoothly as possible. He’s now on the open and wild road on his moped and this means that he can get to me or the girlfriend as and when he wants without parental taxi. The ex will have enough to cope with in terms of the “loss of last baby” as well, as he takes the first glorious steps down the equally bumpy and potholed road of first love. So I’ll give it a couple of weeks at least and then offer to saddle “mum” up on the Harley and go out for coffee but I don’t want to sit and do “depressed talk”. I have NOT told her of this part of my strategy. I wouldn’t want to add to HER anxiety.

    First son is now writing for my company part time. Working WITH me is better for us both than working FOR me.


    Second son starts working FOR me on Thursday as it’s not been easy for students to find work for the summer. All the jobs are disappearing fast to those who want gameful fulltime employment. He’s so laid back he can work FOR or WITH. Makes no difference to either of us!

    I have therefore got even more time with my children than before. It seems that as they get older they appreciate what I’ve done and do and they are around more. I have a “no fights, bad vibes or tension” policy at my house. I truly think they respond to this and we will continue to be Pirates online together and battle plastic orcs on a Thursday.

    3) Sleep. Friday night better but still awoke and fit and started for a while. Nothing too bad really. But I cocked it up on Saturday night by having my little bit (ok 2 large glasses) of port too late in the evening and that messed the night up. So. NO booze last night. BUT THE NIGHTS ARE NOT SO ANXIOUS NOW. I continue to turn the clock away, tell myself to STOP IT if work or ex intrudes and I wake and I am definitely getting LESS ANXIOUS ABOUT NOT BEING ASLEEP. I now have NO DIFFICULTY FALLING ASLEEP. So I’ve stopped the hot milk as I’m not keen on the “getting up for a wee” bit at 4am. I’ve set “Mad World” for a little earlier and I know if there’s no light then I am NOT supposed to be getting up. Last night I went to sleep about 11am because I was drained from karting. But I awoke in the small hours (don’t know when) and then had a few hours of on/off/in/out but no particularly bad dreams or thoughts EXCEPT for one about the ex and I made an effort to BOOT IT OUT, BREATH IN THE BLUE AND BLOW AWAY THE CLOUD.

    Even when feeling tired I MIGHT be better off still staying up later because once I’ve had my slice of kip I awake. So we’ll see. I need to check it out.

    I am getting better. The growing confidence in my CBT and my own effort is also helping me get better. And hey… NO MEDS FOR A WEEK? Well it will be a whole week 2moro.

    But despite all the success and the confidence I spent a bit of time this morning wondering whether to have a Zolpidem tonight so that I WOULD have good shutdown sleep tonight. I KNEW I had to do a at least one of the stinky jobs off the stinky list. And here I was adding to the anxiety by wondering if I should have a tablet in ten hours time. My partner said why didn’t I just forget that for now.. and look at THAT matter in ten hours time.

    Wise words partner. I listen and I take on board. I AM GETTING BETTER. BUT WE AINT THERE YET.

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
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    Re: CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

    You are getting better for sure. For some reason when anxiety is high we do tend to wake in the night. It's not pleasant for sure - especially if naughty little thoughts start kicking in. However, you are dealing with it well.

    My advice regarding the sleeping tablet - take it if you need to - do not be scared to take a med to help whilst you are feeling this way. Your sleep is more important to you at the moment. A sleeping tablet when you need it is not going to kill you but lack of sleep sure will make you feel sooo much worse.

    Two sons working with you - hope you all get on well in the work environment. Hey, what a great dad your sons have.

    Take care.
    PS. Could you please write a book about anxiety and depression when you're well lol. x You have a wonderful way in your writing of allowing the reader to step inside your world.
    __________________
    Yvonne
    Colchester Essex

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
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    Re: CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

    Another pleasurable read Liam.Im pleased to hear you had a good w/e .Im sure you find it s a great help to escape from the anxieties of life doing something you enjoy alongside your son. Too much work and no play ,is no good for anyone,even if you love your job. How nice to be able to work with your sons ! and i agree with Yvonne what a great Dad you are.You have done great this week not relying on the sleeping pills,well done .It wont hurt now and then tho ,as being tired is bad for your nerves.Sometimes we want to run ,but our body tells us to slow down a bit,catch our breath ,and just to walk for a while . Hope your CBT went well, you are doing great.Take care Sue

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
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    161

    Re: CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

    Tues 21st AM. Quick footnote so that today's writing is solely about the CBT session. As I'd only had a pint of Woodpecker at about 7pm I decided I WOULD take a Zolpidem as 3 nights of slight disturbance were enough to make me wonder if there would be a forth. Does that make sense? LOL So I stayed up until 11.30pm, popped 10mgs, went to bed, read for a bit, sniffed sleeping partner who was conked out.. conked out and suddenly it was 6.55am and not a clue about anything that happened either in or out of my head. Did I fail myself by taking a tablet? As Suzy-Sue says above; not at all. I gave myself a short break and today I tackle stinky list matters number 3 and 4 and then go to CBT. As we have now established the causes and recognised the danger areas and have strategies in place to re-evaluate and deal with them as I go along, apart from the pleasing aspect of "reporting" to Ms CBT about no chest band for a week, no BIG anx, only one tablet, wayyy less alcohol and matters being taken in hand and control taken back.. (Should take all of 5 mins)... it will be interesting to see WHERE WE GO FROM HERE. Session 5. I have already decided to do the 6th next week and then move 7 to a fortnight after. Unless we decide to push deeper and dig up older cans of worms.

    For now though we are acheiving what I set out to acheive with CBT. We do not at this stage need to make a decision about further potential. The time and brain thinking may be better spent reinforcing the strategies that have been brought in so that I cope and CHANGING THE VERY WAY I LIVE as an ongoing challenge, rather than digging up the long ago but never forgotten childhood and past. Back at you later after the session. Have a GREAT DAY everyone and long live NMP.

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