CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

[WillLatch]

Tuesday 21st. PM! I got stuck in this morning after writing the above post. Attended to stinky matters number 3 and 4 and then got an email about number 5! So I dealt with number 5. Number 6 is a "fate accompli" situation. I just have to write a letter. And that is that. Until the next problem comes along.

BUT HERE IS THE THING ABOUT WORK. I'M BACK TO IT. I realised in the middle of the day that I HADN'T HAD ANY ANX about walking in the door. That is another result.

So I carried on and then slipped away for my session of CBT. "Reported" and summarised as I'd expected. And then discussed what I was going to be doing next as I ticked my way through the list of reasons that had brought me there in the first place. We’ve done well really in a short period of time. I was able to see that I HAD met all targets and was dealing with what just a few weeks ago were anxieties and seemingly impossible tasks and hurdles.

Work I have under control. The moratorium with kindness and compassion is the way to move forward for 3 months with my ex. But here’s when the big tear arrived. I can’t help her with her future. Oh I can find money probably, I can find ways to be with her in company when necessary for those times with the children but I can’t be emotionally responsible anymore. I have to find a way for her to let go of me and stand up in her own right. Without feeling guilty about it. And I DON’T. But here’s the rub. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel very very sad that I have to do this “to” her.

This one is going to be hard to explain I think so I’ll take the time to think about it and write further later. When you take responsibility as seriously as I do… (The badly chosen or inappropriate dog must be kept well until it has died) is my firm policy. And that is a useful analogy even if it seems a little harsh. But I’m only using it because of the following piece of history.

When the ex and I first got together nearly 30 years ago we got TWO dogs because I was a firm believer that a dog should not be left on its own if you were a working couple. We saw two puppies in a pet shop (that used to happen!) and on enquiry were advised they were brother and sister lurchers; “A cross between a retriever and a greyhound”. I heard the word retriever and thought “That’ll do nicely”. I didn’t take into account the greyhound bit.

Since that time I’ve now made quite a few dog training progs and have learnt a lot about “breed specifics” and lurchers were definitely not for me. It’s like “Don’t have a collie unless you are happy that it’ll try to herd your kids”!

They lurchers were a bad choice in life. But there was no question of getting rid of them; 14 years later they died of natural causes and I had provided for them responsibly for their entire lives and done the best for them that I could.

The ethic is not dissimilar here. My ex is not a “dog” but is a responsibility as the chosen partner of my life at that time and more importantly the mother of my children. The commitment was and is for life in some form or other. And I have to come to terms with that and work out HOW I step forward causing as little pain and suffering as I can in the process.

No flippant lines or clever wordage to end this post. I have matters to think about and decisions to make. But I have given myself 3 months before I have to address this matter. And a lot can happen in that amount of time.

3 weeks ago I would not have said I’d be in the much improved frame of mind that I am now. I will therefore be stronger and more capable of facing these decisions than I was. Have a good week everyone. Liam

[Veronica H]

Hi Liam

Glad that you are moving forward and getting a handle on things. I understand how seriously you take your responsibilities, but as I know nothing about your Ex I wonder if she really is expecting the same level of responsibility from you now. Have you considered that it may be that you feel this sense of responsibility so strongly that you are not seeing subtle changes on her part to be more independent? Has she always been totally dependent on you?....these are just thoughts. Take care of yourself and thanks once again for sharing with us.

Veronica

[WillLatch]

Hey ho... sadly in so many ways the ex has ALWAYS depended on me... which isn't good for either for us these days. And I truly wish I could see signs and changes on her part. She has always wanted to "control" and has always used guilt as the process. I am at least out of that influence relatively but I'm still not comfortable when I don't act or behave as she would wish it! But I guess that is my problem not hers and I'm the one going through CBT! :-)

[Yvonne]

Will

You are an honourable man for sure. The ex does still rely on you to a great degree. She obviously doesn't have a new partner as you do ? Unless I've missed something, if so do excuse me.

I loved what you write about your dogs, awww - I'm an animal lover. even though those dogs weren't your "ideal" but you looked after them all those years - other people may have given them away.

I think you do so well considering the ex is still heavy baggage on you. I can see where your anxiety emanated from what with work issues and the ex wife responsibility. You are doing very very well I have to say.

This CBT therapist sounds very good, good and bad CBT therapists are out there just as there are good and bad doctors - you have been lucky to get such a good one.

Take care xxx

[WillLatch]

Finding the RIGHT CBT therapist is an important start. But APPLYING the strategies you DECIDE TO WORK ON is probably the priority. It's not important to find "approval or be liked" by your therapist.. equally to "like" them. But to find someone you're comfortable with is important. I respond far better to females.. simply part of my nature. My "Ms CBT" happens to look good and dress well as well... "Caught myself" looking at her legs (Good shoe taste) while I was talking yesterday. No harm in that. I'm not there to try and "chat her up".. but there's no doubt that being "chemically comfortable" with her makes it easier to trust and open up. Above all the legs is a GREAT BRAIN with experience, compassion and a true drive to help others. And in response to other posts seen in forums, my sessions cost me £46. I get a LOT for that money frankly.. and I'm saddened to see "newly qualified therapists" out there at £90-£120 an hour. It is such a shame that there is not more financial facility on the NHS as it is so clearly recognised that drugs and medication are NOT the answer for the challenges we face.

As I write, I'm listening to the budget live.. and I wonder just how many people are facing EXACTLY the same pressures and stresses I am facing at this time and it's obvious shift to creating even more anxiety in families, marriages and homes. Shame Mr Darling can't allocate a chunk of change to help the nation balance its mental books.

[suzy-sue]

The less said about the budget the better.!Ive been trying not to think about things that bother or annoy me,& things i cant change. You certainly have had a lot of things to address and i think you are really doing well so far.I really dont envy your situation with your Ex at all.I can imagine she feels very alone ,now the boys have left home (empty nest syndrome and perhaps after her illness afraid about her mortality. Perhaps she should look on life now , as her chance for a fresh start. Take up some new interests and go out into the world and make some new friends. You are a very responsible person and she has been very lucky to have your support. You have the right to lead your life as you wish ! no one has the right to make you feel guilty.There comes a point when its ok to set yourself free. To offer a helping hand is fine ! but being a crutch is not. Only a selfish person would demand the latter.I wish you luck, but some how ,i dont think youll need it.Always a pleasure reading your posts.Have a good w/e SUE

[Yvonne]

Hi

I agree Sue that Will shouldn't feel guilty about his wife, however how could he not after so many years of being married to her. I feel dreadfully sorry for the woman. I hope she can move on and then Will's mind will be at rest in that direction. I think if Will works on actually making her stand on her own two feet a bit more it will do her a favour.

Hey Will, sorry to talk about you as if you're not here lol.

Anyway, oh you do make me laugh - the legs of the therapist and the good taste in shoes. I reallly grinned ear to ear. See, you are helping me lots with your posts. What make of shoes do you think they were? Don't tell me Jimmy Choo or I'll get very jealous. Is she a flat loafer type or a heel person?

I have a good therapist and I do get on well with her but I just feel that some of the stuff she says to me is patronising. However, I do pull her up when I feel she is being patronising and she doesn't mind because we do, luckily, have a very open and honest relationship.

I just know that CBT isn't the answer for every anxiety sufferer, reason; because we all suffer different types of anxiety. Yes, anxiety does manifest itself with the same sensations/symptoms in people but where these symptoms are coming from cannot always be treated by changing one's thoughts if the person's mind has got into the anxiety habit over many many years of suffering. The brain feels it is doing the right thing by reacting to the thoughts the way it does.

I haven't listened to the budget yet - not had radio or tv on. I will watch the news tonight and listen to hubbies moans and groans and inevitably some foul language about his favourite man Gordon Brown and his other partners in crime lol.

Anyway Will, keep up the good work - and the posts. Take care.x

[WillLatch]

I can do nothing about the ex for 3 months even tho I want to. Must leave that home as trouble free as possible for the youngest to get on with his GCSEs and the eldest to settle to his work there. MY nature is to get on and confront my problems and deal with my responsibilities.. especially when I recognise the source of the trouble. When I can't "deal or sort it".. it aint so good for me.

In a flick of an eye it can go to a bad day for us tho can't it. A company that should have paid a bill last week hasn't and today I'm onto my 2nd Diazepam after a bad night's sleep and the anx is there and the first (small) band across the abdomen for 8 days. Dammit. But that is what the medicine is for.. these moments when I can't cope and it all starts to bounce back. I JUST HAVE enough in the bank for this week's payroll but NOTHING spare to pay the debts that I said I would. So here we go again and the skin of my repairs is very thin and fragile still. Liam is sad now but my youngest is over and I'll go to the garage and clean kart. Pirates later with the eldest online... and a Zolpidem to sleep. Mustn't think I've failed as a result of these decisions. Tomorrow I get up and fight my condition another day. As to the shoes... tasteful sandals with heels and well painted toe nails. xx

[Veronica H]

Hi Liam

I think your therapist will be wearing trousers and wellies the next time you meet, as she reads these posts doesn't she?... Sorry the stress is creeping up again. Take care.

Veronica

[Yvonne]

Veronica - brilliant - yep I reckon she will be well covered in a long dress and sensible shoes lol. Has she replied to any of Will's posts?? Who is she?

Will, for many many years I was the most anti benzos person on the earth - almost. Not that I was ever offered them. Until...... a few years ago when I was in bad Seroxat withdrawal and I was given a rather strong benzo to help me calm down. I now take a small amount of diazepam and I was encouraged to take it last year by my therapist. This is another med which is no magic wand because although it can take the edge off anxiety - when one is in a true anxiety state where the mind refuses to shut up I reckon you would need about 10mgs. Only my opinion. I take the stuff now and I will not allow the gp to stop my prescription! I was encouraged to take the stuff and it is unfortunately "mother's little helper".

You should feel no guilt whatsoever whenyou need to take it, or indeed the sleepers. At the moment you need something to help you ... and why not?? You would take a Paracetemol for a bad headache wouldn't you? Don't tax the brain any more than it already is at this stage, take the little demons it's better than suffering in anxiety hell.

Take care Will. xx