working or volunteering

[josephine]

Hi everyone,

I really need to get myself a job. i am not really skilled , apart from being a mum for 13 years. I have picked up a lot of skills and qualities during this time. We reall y need the money but i am looking into volunteering at the moment as it has less pressure and i can ease myself in slowly. I am thinking of volunteering with the charity Mind and have made an approach via email.
I was told to leave my number and someone will get back and arrange an informal meeting.
Well, heres my problem. I am so scared of going through with this. eveytime i think about i get sick to the stomach and my heart races and i go so red. I am not used to doing anything on my own or going anywhere. I usually only cope with things if i have my husband with me. Sometimes i fool myself that i am ok, but when i try to push myself a little further the fear grips me like a vice and becomes overwhelming. I so want to be independant and contribute to my family and society but when it comes to the crunch, i cannot.
I have lived a safe life at home as a housewife and mother for so long i dont know how to get out of it. I feel so guilty and useless. I am nearly 40 and have achieved nothing much in my life. I thought i would be a mum to a small child forever but he is growing up and i feel redundant.

Does anyone feel the same or have any advice. Feeling really low and despondant at the moment.

Thankyou for listening,

Josephine.x

[PoppyC]

Hi Josephine!
You are not alone in how you feel. I have 1 son and I built my life around him and he is now at university. I remember the day he went and I thought 'what am I going to do now' I felt 'empty' I was a single parent. I was still youngish. I saw it as a chance to do all the things I never did, but then got ill with anxiety and had a breakdown Great timing eh?! I went through all the empty nest syndrome and was in my 30's.

You have done the most worthwhile job there is in bringing your son up. As you said you have gained much from doing so. You say you have achieved nothing. You have! That is raising your son and that is something to be proud of! That is more important than any paid career! Look at what you have acomplished in doing so. Now is your time to do things for yourself. Try and look upon it as a new exciting beginning, a new part of your life, rather than something to be fearful of. I know its easier said than done, cos I have all these positive thoughts in my head but putting them into action is not always so simple!
I had always worked and had some really good jobs. I got diagnosed with social anxiety, anxiety, and agoraphobia. I tried to get into voluntary work but at the last moment like you said I just couldnt face it. The thought is fine isnt it but its just at the last moment it becomes scary. Thats how I feel. I am now on citrolapam so I am hoping along with therapy that when I am fully better I will be able to overcome the social anxiety. Could you face even 1 afternoon or morning a week doing voluntary work and start from there gradually building up your confidence?
Could you attend a course at college - a Return to Work or Learning course? I know a lot of colleges have these, which are aimed at returners having being out of the workplace after having spent time bringing up children. The good thing with those is that all the people there are in the same position.
Could you consider childminding? You have all the relevant skills already! I thought of this a while ago and I am looking into it.
I had to have money coming in so I now work from home online. Is this something you could do to bring money in? I know it doesnt get us out there socialising but its a start in in earning money which in turn makes us feel better.
I feel the more we stay at home and lead our cosy lives being dependent on our partners for help, having them there when we go out, and them always being there for us that it takes away our own independence, confidence, and self esteem. I find having a job is vital to my self esteem and I know that if I was out there working amongst others rather than working at home that my confidence would soar. I just have to overcome my issues first!
I used to be so bubbly and outgoing and being stuck at home cos of my issues has morphed me into a dull person I sometimes feel like a housewife from the 1950's! and yet only over a year ago I was out there being the life and soul of the big organisation where I worked!
Just start off slowly be it a half day doing voluntary work or at college, just building up your confidence. Once you have got that confidence then look to working in paid employment as well. You are more likely to be employed if you can show employers you are doing something be it a course or voluntary work. I wish you well.
I hope things work out for you

[Allye]

Hi Josephine

I manage a team of volunteers. Volunteering is a great way to meet new people, get involved and learn some new skills.

Please please be very honest about what you think you can achieve. I have a couple of volunteers who need the additional support because of anxiety/low self esteem etc. It is working absolutely fine.

Take care
Allye

[Yvonne]

Hi All

Josephine - I could have written that post y ou did. I am exactly like you and I so need to be out there again in a job for the social interaction with people and for my confidence.

I have been told a million times to do some voluntary work by people including of course my therapist. People just don't seem to understand that going to face voluntary work is still a huge anxiety provoking thing for us. I want to do it and I know I can, I'm certainly not work shy by any means, however when I think of going for an initial chat or whatever I do get very anxious.

I would so love to do some paid work - I really don't care what, I'll do cleaning no probs but I just get really scared at the thought of an interview. It's very upsetting actually.

I'm like you, my eldest doesn't live with us any more and my youngest is at uni. It's empty nest and it's not nice.

I thought Poppy's reply was really good and she's obviously in the same position but manages to work from home which is brilliant.

I wish someone could help people like us with this.

[PUGLETMUM]

i did some volunteering and it was great - yvonne you will be nervous at first - but the ppl who volunteer arent really ppl youd be intimidated by, so just give it a go - it did wonders for my confidence.

im in the same situation, mum of one girl age 11, only got menial skills which i do put to good use to earn money - but im unfulfilled and lacking in confidence too.

maybe a combo of volunteering and some sort of part time job, plus maybe a small college course? i know it sounds alot but youd be really busy and prob wouldnt worry as much as you do now - it is scary when your home life changes coz your kids grow up etc - but youve just got to be brave and go for it for yourself - the world needs caring ppl like us to be out there, not sat in our houses!

[josephine]

Thank you all for your replies. They are all so encouraging.

Its just absolutely terrifying to consider going for an interview, like Yvonne says. I would panic so much that the strength it would take to go through with it would be huge!!!!! I take propranolol which i know would help but still the fear would be off the radar!!

Do you think it would be easier to volunteer with the charity Mind? Do you think i should tell them about my anxiety problems? I am tired of hiding my problems, if i had a physical disability people would understand. People at Mind would be the first to understand, wouldnt they?

Im just not sure what i should say or not say.

LOve Josephine.x

Ps. I have an application form to be a teaching assistant at a local school.
I would dearly love to do this. I taught my son to read and did all i could to help him with his education at home. He is now in a excellent secondary school and thriving. I would love to help other children to achieve this but i know this will never happen as my anxiety has been with me all my life and robbed me of any hope of doing what i would really love to do. I have just learnt to settle for what i can, to get by in life.
The person inside me is confident and full of dreams and ambition, but ANXIETY will NEVER let her out.
I have lived with this for around 30 years. Dont think i will ever be free of it.

thaks to you all,

Josephine.x

[Mully]

Hi Josephine

I have not worked for about 9 years now due to anxiety and PA's . I find it difficult to travel on buses and live in a small town. Last year I was on a positive run and decided I wanted to ' get back out there'. There was a particular Charity Shop i used to go into and they were advertising for Volunteers. I thought I would go for this, and after a week of walking past the shop and chickening out, i finally went in and met Wendy, who is one of the managers there. I started off assertive, asking if I could volunteer and then I told her that i had a problem.. I explained my situation, that I suffered with panic attacks and may not actually be able to do this ! I even started blubbering ! . She was very understanding and held my hand and said that she would love to have me aboard and to take it a day at a time.. I started the next week. I worked with some other older ladies, and a different manager who was herself suffering from depression and on Citalopram. These ladies were lovely.. some have problems of their own, be it depression or an illness of some sort.. others were just pensioners who worked there in their spare time to help the hospice etc. I only worked one day a week, for about 3 hours. If ever i felt I needed air or to go home, I could go. There was no pressure.

As there was no pressure, like you would get in a paid job.. I found it eased my anxiety and i enjoyed my time there, however after about 7 months I suffered a bad dose of depression and anxiety and did not go for a few months.. they were understanding and said i was welcome back anytime.

I think Voluntering like this is a great opportunity for people like us, to get out of our safety zones for a while.. to do something positive and productve with our lives.. even if it's just for an hour a week. Most charity shops take on volunteers who are disabled in some way or just have some spare time to offer. I think you should go into the shop and ask to speak to the manager, say that you would really like to help out and volunteer but that you have this problem. You may find that they would of dealt with people like this before, and may be able to arrange a couple of hours a week to suit you. It is worth a try.. and believe me, when you have managed to do even just an hour of work, be it going through books or steaming clothes.. you will feel so good and proud of yourself.. I did.

[PoppyC]

Hi again Josephine
I think you should apply for that job. My sister has anxiety problems and a speech impediment and she works as a teaching assistant in a school. She loves it. She told me that a lot of the women she works with are of a similar age to her (40+) and some also have similar anxiety problems and are on anxiety/anti depressants or have other problems - and also that they are really nice caring people. You often find that in those type of jobs the people are caring and understanding.
If you volunteer with MIND, you will find that a lot of the people there have or have had mental health issues. You certainly will be in the right enviroment should you feel anxious as the others there are bound to be able to relate to what you are going through. I would tell them how you feel when you go along to see them for the interview.
I find that the before part of anything is always worse than the actual part. I stress lots and then when in the situation think why did I get so stressed.
I know I should do something like you are thinking of but first I have to get past the agoraphobia bit.
You sound like you have a lot to offer, I hope you find the courage to go ahead and apply for that job or do some voluntary work.

[Yvonne]

Hi All

Thanks Emmas xxx Mully, you had such a positive experience and reading your post makes me feel that I must face this thing. As you say, if you feel rough you can always go home. I really have to kick myself up the bum here.

As you say Jospephine it is terrifying. I know how you feel about the teaching assistant job - you would so love to do it but this thing we feel petrifies us so much and so even the thought of doing something you would so love to is ruined by the high anxiety which is felt by us.

I'm still a good typist (I think) and I am fast, I have a good secretarial background but there is no way on earth I could go back into an office as much as I'd love to. It's all so sad really isn't it.

Love to all.

PS Josephine, MIND will welcome you with open arms. I know a couple of ladies who run my local MIND and they have mentioned to me before that I could work there in some sort of advocacy role - to help others who are new to anxiety and depression.................... Unfortunately I still haven't done anything about it. Yes definitely tell MIND about yourself they are a marvellous charity and would welcome you being an anxiety sufferer. xxx

Take care all xxxxxxxxx

[josephine]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling a bit more positive after reading all your posts.
Maybe i will give mind a call after easter and have a chat. I know i will have to do something soon.

Lots of love

Josephine.x