Cannot do this anymore.

[belle]

I honestly feel that i will never ever be well, in any sense of the word.

How can i possibly start fighting panic attacks and agoraphobia when i feel so ill every-single-day?

I never have any energy to get out of bed even and when i do, i feel like going straight back. I have aches/pains all over me. I'm due a CT scan on my abdomen and pelvis in a couple of weeks, so alongside having terrible pains from my gallbladder (area), i'm having eye pain and headaches too.

I look ill. I look grey and i have the biggest black bags under my eyes that make me look even worse.

I don't see the point to anything anymore.
I give up.

[reallyfedup]

I am right there with you.... I have been in bed for last 2 weeks with such terrible panic and anxiety it has made me ruddy depressed. Taking a cocktail of meds that mess with my head too. What can we do to turn this around for ourselves......I know we don't want to feel like this? X

[PUGLETMUM]

hang in there sarah - you know you are strong enough to get through this, it is a horrible way to live, but you can and must go on. look at all the success stories - you can have that too, nobody is any stronger or better than you, recovery isnt exclusive to everyone else you know, take care, emma xxxxx

[amandaj]

i know exactly how you feel i feel same never a day goes by without feeling rubbish hope you feel better soon
amandaxx

[lotte_82]

Sarah I am sending you hugs....I dont know what to say really apart from the fact I am thinking of you, I myself am not doing very well at all (same old s**t - different day )

I know every day is hard for us, and I am never sure what tomorrow brings....I dont even hope anymore that tomorrow will be better.

BUT one thing I do know is that you are NOT a s**t person...I am fairly new here and already you have sent me messages that make me realise I am not so insane for being like this!!

Take care and if you want to talk P/M me if you like...
Lotte
xx


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[faith]

I have been through many illnesses and tough times at present I have problems with my heart. Always look forward to the day you will get over this episode as I have come through cancer as well .Illness is not your destination it is just part of the journey

[PoppyC]

Hi Sarah
I watched you on the Ruby Wax Headroom series online. You were talking about agoraphobia, which I suffer with. You came across as a really strong person, very eloquent, and although you have your problems, you seemed very much like you were in control. I really related to what you said.
I have not been anywhere as long as agoraphobic as you have, so my problem is teeny in comparison. You have to be a strong person because you are still here battling on, others would have given in by now.
I am so sorry you are so down.
I managed to get out yesterday for a short while and it was hell getting out there but I felt so much better for it, albeit worn out and feeling sick from the Baileys!
I dont know anything about your struggle, but do you have any therapy or help in helping you overcome your agoraphobia at all?
Are you not able to get out at all - even into your garden?
You looked really pretty in the programme and I didnt think you looked ill at all. The first thing I noticed was how lovely looking you are.
I know when I dont get out for any fresh air that my eyes get dark circles and my skin looks sallow, so I just sit in my garden for short bursts.
I wish there was something that could just magic away all of our troubles - I really feel for you.

[PoppyC]

Faith...
That is an excellent post! It is so inspiring - thank you.

[eurotrashcub]

Of course you can!!!

ANd believing you can is the first part to actually getting better!

You are a senior member. You know what you have gone through.

Giving up is not an option.

Things can get better and they will get better. I bet you have your ups and downs like everybody and you are going through a rough patch.

Remember last time you felt happy/ish. You can feel like that again.

CHIN UP! CHIN UP!

Hugs

[belle]

Thank You All For Your Replies!

I am hoping this week is just one of those weeks, you know? Although i can't go out alone, i also HATE being indoors for such long periods of time. Since last Thursday i have only been out once, on Sunday. I am at that point where i am desperate to go away...(with mum of course)...but to get away from my house, these tiny 4 walls. Being trapped here all day every day is depressing enough as it is, and now its the school holidays and i feel really unwell, i feel such a bad mother and i can't help feeling sorry for my boy. Bless him, he's so good...he never moans about being bored or fed up, he knows that i haven't felt well this week.

REALLYFEDUP - You are right, we don't want to feel like this, but personally i am SO effing tired of trying to be well and getting no where. I wish one day i could wake up and feel well. This morning i woke up with chronic dizziness (i have inherited inner ear problems), i couldn't even walk to the bathroom i was so bad. It definitely wasn't a good start to today. It took until 3pm for me to feel able to even walk without falling over

EMMAS - Thanks hun

AMANDA - Wouldn't it be nice, just to have a break...just for a wee while??
Thanks for your reply. x

FAITH - You're right, this is all part of the journey, but like i keep saying, just one day to feel well - thats all i want...just a wee break from it all...so i can gather up some energy to keep battling on.

POPPY - Thank you! I certainly don't look like that...it was good lighting on that day...didn't show up my hideous flaws.

You did SOOO well getting out yesterday, i was so happy when i read that you got to the PO (with or without Baileys - who cares?).

I've been having CBT for a year, personally, its not helped me, i really think i am unhelpable (if thats a word). My therapist actually said to me that i was one of the only people in his career (LONG TIME) that hasn't made any progress! That made me feel wonderful. I'm not on meds, won't use them.

I wish i had a magic wand to take it all away...

EURO - I have had periods of massive self belief and then depression hits and there is nothing you can do to stop it and all that hard work of feeling positive is taken away in an instant. My "rough patch" has been going on since 2005. I was in good recovery from 2002 - 2005, but it's gone seriously downhill. I have had periods of being housebound again in these last 4 years - i really don't know how i can get well or even IF i can get well.

x