Did i do the right thing or should i have faced it?

[emma81]

I am going to try and make this as short as possible. When i 1st developed agoraphobia and panic attacks about 4 years ago it all happened after a horrible horrible evening with my so called best friend telling me that my boyfriend at the time's family all hated me. This wasnt a stupid little thing this was a long term adult relationship where everything had been great until she started dating his brother and that all messed up and for whatever reason, to get back at them, to split us up, i dont know, she started saying an abundance of really cruel and nasty things claiming his family had said it all about me. That day on the way home i experienced my 1st ever panic attack while i was driving, threw up all over myself in the car on the motorway, heart pounding, stomach in a thousand knots - well you know what i mean. From there the agoraphobia seemed to kick in, everytime after that i tried to go anywhere in the car i froze with fear that i was going to get that ill again, experience those feelings again, to the point where 4 years later it still has a massive grasp over me.

Anyway on a positive note i have finally been tackling it through a mixture of relaxation, anxiety management, exposure therapy and hypnotherapy, as well as medication i have been making some great progress lately and the anxiety and panic no longer scare me as much as it did. I feel i can handle it a lot better and can even get about 30 miles from the house alone now which is a massive achievement for me..... until today.

I have had very little contact with the best friend back then who it all kicked off from, i didnt even know she still had my phone number as she hasnt lived in my area for 3 years now. She phoned me out of the blue this afternoon to say she was visiting family and missed me. As soon as i heard her voice my stomach started churning, i tried to be polite and say i was busy and she said her battery was dying she was just going to pop round. Well i grabbed my coat got in the car and got the hell away from here. Driving away i became overwhelmed with panic, had an almost identical experience to that very 1st time, pulled over and was sick everywhere then sat parked up in a lay by shaking, crying, heart palpitating, terrified to see her. I used all my relaxation and anxiety controlling techniques and after 30 or 40 mins calmed myself down enough to return home. Just as i was parking the car i saw her walking down the street towards my house and this rush of panic washed right over me again - and i drove off again. The logical part of my head was saying this is ridiculous, just get out and be polite say hello then make an excuse to leave, just get it over and done with, she cant hurt me. The panic was saying dont go near her, she is going to make you feel so much worse, she started all of this, it was all her fault, she is evil, she just wants to hurt you again, dont let her, stay away.

So in the end i ran and didnt fight it. The one thing i am making a point of is not running from panic just now - i face it so i dont reinforce the belief that it will hurt me. But my head is a swarming mess just now. Have i just reinforced the belief that she must be avoided? Does it even matter? Why does she terrify me so much? Arghhh this was only meant to be a paragraph and now its like a novel maybe i just needed to rant. I just dont know if i did the right thing. I know there is good anxiety when you are in genuine danger that you need to be able to identify, and there is the bad anxiety that tries to take over our minds by making us believe something will cause us danger when actually it wont. Im trying so hard to seperate the 2 - but what is she? Is she an actual danger? It was 4 years ago - she has admitted since then she was jealous of me and she didnt know why she made it up, i am not even with the guy now. Why the hell does she still bother me so much?

Sorry rant over. At last.

[Anxious_gal]

she is bad! you did what you felt you needed to do!
you chose who you want in your life and she didn't make the cut.
i had a so called friend! she was highly manipulative and a lier!
i think we all know when someone is not a good person, just some times we chose to ignore our own feelings!
I've had the worst anxiety ever while i was friends with that girl!
she was nice to my face and evil behind my back.
but mean people have issues! they obviously have low self worth and they make themselves feel better by putting other people down.
if someone makes you uncomfortable then you have every right not to have contact with them

[PoppyC]

You sound like you have had a terrible afternoon.
I think that maybe when you see or hear your so called ex best friend, that the association you make between her, the past, your panic attacks and anxiety, all kick in, almost making you relive the experience you had 4 years ago.
She reminds you of that terrible evening and so when you hear and see her it brings back all those awful memories even after 4 years.
I find it difficult being in the same places when I started getting ill last year and when I had my breakdown - including the gps surgery! It brings back all the awful memories for me. I still have to go to those places but they will always hold bad memories for me. I think it is perfectly natural to feel like that however.
I am all for confronting situations in order to help recovery but personally speaking your ex friend does not sound like a nice person and if she were an ex friend of mine who contacted me, I still would not have anything to do with her - I can guess she is still the same nasty piece of work that she always was. Would you really want to resume your friendship with a person like that? I do believe in forgiveness, but if she makes you feel as she has, then is it really worth it?
I would probably have done exactly what you did and avoided her.
I hope you have a much calmer relaxing evening - you deserve to.

[VickieX]

I think it is completely natural what you did
and someone with or without anxiety/ agoraphobia would have done exactily the same.
The 'friend' i hate to even think that she could be called that, put you through a lot of pain in the last 4 years and why does she deserve your time now?
She really doesn't

Don't feel guilty for not talking to her. If your not ready then your not ready.

Hope you have a better evening.

x

[Stressed32]

I am sorry that you had such a tough time of it. I read in my anxiety book that anxiety is us teaching the almonga (sp?) part of our brain that control flight or fight, that something is a danger when it isn't...you have trained your brain that this girl is a danger to you. She is a bad friend and you need to stay away, however, try not to let her have this much power over you. She is not worth it. Get angry at her for the way she makes you feel and how she has enough power over your emotions to create this anxiety monster for you. Maybe then the next time you see her instead of running you can give her the piece of your mind that she deserves and tells her to get scr***d
Stay strong.

[melody]

I think panic attacks start sometimes because we can ignore our feelings and do things that don't feel right because we feel it's expected, or we are trying to hard to be nice & see the good in people. Sometimes it can be easy to want to overlook it when people hurt us trying to keep the peace.

I think it's important to assert your rights, and how you wish to be treated. This person may have some nice qualities, but they will never change who they are. Why bother going through the pain again & allow history to potentially repeat itself. Panic attacks are senses in overdrive trying to get out a message to yourself in a confusing way.

PS I am terrible at my own advice. it's something I'm working on.

[mysonmarcus]

Hi Emma

I only have my own experiences to go on........you had such a fear response to this person so your instincts are working against you and trying to keep you safe, as strange as that may sound...........I would love to relieve my own anxiety condition by being rational about it, my rational mind does not kick in either.

To my mind its not the 'situation' (trigger) its the 'reaction' (how you face panic) thats crucial, what happened with you is the same thing that happens to people in shops, driving, crowds, whatever, so a proactive change of cognitive processes are needed whatever your trigger.

How hard it is working with the automatic reactions of that inner voice. The need we have to face things only on our own terms inevitably increases the tension too, if obligation takes away that option .

How to be unafraid of the fear reaction is the top and tail of the question we all face.

I feel if you can face things with the right attitude from start to finish then go and face them..........but if you cant face them with the right attitude the condition doesn't get better and facing works against you.

I wish you all the luck with yours.

Mark