Coping with things you wish you'd never said - upsetting loved ones?

[widge]

Dear friends,

I am new here so please forgive me!

If I am posting about the wrong thing in the wrong place perhaps some kind mod will move it for me?

I have (rather long-windedly I'm afraid ) just introduced myself on the 'newbie' forum so won't burden you all with it again!

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthr...996#post490996


.........suffice to say.....during a lifetime of trying to deal with anxiety and the debilitating symptoms that accompany it I periodically slide into a deep pit of despair where I seem unable to 'help myself' and where life simply becomes intolerable and I feel utterly worthless - a 'Depressive Episode'

This is where I have been for some months now.

My entire waking thoughts seem centred around what a loathsome burden I am to those I love...my partner ,friends, colleagues..........and,sure enough, I find myself saying and doing things that just make it worse to people who I care about and who appear to care about me.

As a result I just hate myself even more!

I am sure you know that feeling...'My God...did I really say THAT?...did I really SEND that email.......did I really mean to become so angry and nonsensical as to upset and frighten my partner......?.....and so it goes on.The really scary ones come after '.......did I really HAVE to drink 2 bottles of wine in order to fool myself into feeling better! To which the answer is plainly and profoundly - NO!

I panic now when in my slightly more lucid moments I am just going to alienate everybody around me and merely reinforce my own utter worthlessness - and become iller and iller until - well, sometimes it's hard to see if there IS even a light at the end of the tunnel?

Although I sort of know what is happening to me....as do those to whom I am closest...and my GP is (vagually) supportive of my periods where GA becomes D I feel very alone and ashamed that I am likely to start talking rubbish or upsettingly to people.

How do you cope?

I have a feeling that really I need someone to whom I CAN talk to about my darkest thoughts and fears without feeling so guilty and who is not so personally involved but the local NHS counselling/CBT service is booked up for the forseeable and I have no idea where else to look for help.

Any thoughts or ideas would be SO SO welcome.......
especially any insight to that awful feeling that you are upsetting, angering or alienating those around you.

Best L

widge

[Bluebelle]

I am new here too- but I just wanted to say I am sorry you are having a rough time. Those closest to you know that you are struggling with a disease and they love you regardless.
I find it helpful to write everything down into a journal as though I am writing a letter to someone explaining what is going on -it actually helps because I feel like I am talking to a person. Then when I am feeling stronger I go back and read some of my racing thoughts that I had scribbled down and I can see where some of my feelings are "off". This helps immensely because I can see where I go.... so the next time I can try and redirect my thoughts
Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't
Just know you are loved and cherished and people will forgive you

[SarahP]

Widge,

I get the same way, I have been very snappy with my boyfriend and my close family, to the point where I feel ridiculously guilty. But your family love you and they'll understand that you have a condition which will sometimes take over. it's not you talking. If people don't understand and get offended then they don't know you that well. One thing having these problems has taught me is that you learn who your real friends are.

I agree with the other post about writing things down, but I also think that talking about your feelings on somewhere like this website can unburden you a bit and help you relate more normally to the people in your life. I'm shocked that you can't get any NHS help in the near future, although I've never been that impressed by the treatment available near me. They actually only really do CBT online! No face to face contact. i couldn't believe it.

Anyway, keep your chin up, and remember that these episodes aren't you talking, they're your depression and anxiety, which at the end of the day are only trespassers on your otherwise healthy happy nature

Sorry I've gone on a bit there, but just wanted you to know you're not alone at all

Big hugs

Sarah

[widge]

Thankyou Bluebelle,

That is such a good idea! Although I never was any good at writing journals or diaries.
I know that some of the things I have said and done in the past and the blind panic that went with the realisation of them , have faded with time......but there are always things I can bring back to mind that make my pulse race when I think about them .

Most often in recent months I wake up with that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach where I suddenly remember what I'd said or done the night or day before and literally CRINGE and inwardly scream that I could have been so pathetic or hurtful or whatever and I end up carrying those thoughts around with me all my waking moments.......sometimes SO MANY that If I sat and wrote them down it would take forever and I'd end up with a novel that even I couldn't bear to read!!

In a way....I just want to run from these thoughts......but I can see that to actually acknowledge them could ultimately be therapeutic?

Whether or not I am quite in the right space to do this at the moment I'm not sure..........in my present state I just feel overwhelmed with racing thoughts......but perhaps it would be a great strategy for dealing with some of those those ghastly anxious moments that come when I'm not quite so low?

Thanks so much for your thoughts...

Best L

Widge

[bobobob]

I am new to this sight, when I was just lookig through I came across you. I can relate to what you are going through. I hid myself away and now I have no friends at all, my wife is finding it hard to cope with so she goes out with her friends and I stay home. Whatever you do, Don't do this, It really just cuts you off and is a form of escape because you don't have to think of what to say, but its the easy way out untill you find yourself all alone.
Who am I to advise you what to do. I have been excess drinking for a long time I thought it helped. I didn't realise what it was doig to my family. It caused our relationship to be in serious trouble. Last year I managed to stop drinking any alcohol. It wasn't easy. I filled up with water. I managed to last eight months so far, and in that time I can see most of the damage I had done to family, old friends, at work, life in general. It may not be the answer for you but It was somewhere to start. I still suffer from depression and anxiety, which won't go away. But things do seem clearer.
I am only telling you what happened for me. I would not suggest it would be right for you. But you are special and it's worth trying something.
I only mean to help. I send you a hug. Bob

[widge]

oh....and Sarah ..and bob!!.....hi!
Sorry - I was busy typing away when your reply came! Thankyou!

You know - I was really quite trepidatious about coming to join this forum....but I got up this morning with such a gut lurching sense of shame about how I'd felt the night before that I simply couldn't let the thoughts go.

Nervously typing my introduction here and unburdening myself during the morning AND finding people with similar feelings and problems has been therepeutic in itself.......a problem shared is .....well I can't remember how the rest of it goes, but you know the one!

After what was supposed to be a 'social evening ' with one or two friends this week I got the sense that not only had I drunk too much (I Know!)...but had said far too many irrational and muddled things to the extent that by the end of the following day having agonised about it continuously I steeled myself to sending them an apologetic email.

Fearing the worst.....the reply was along the lines of '.......don't worry about it Widge.....we all get like that sometimes'

Niether he nor I could actually remember what I'd said that could possibly have caused offense!

Sadley......I KNOW that last night I sent a bonkers email to not such close a friend , but a friend and colleague nonetheless........and am agonising!

.......but to be forgiven is such a blessing sometimes!

Thanks for your kind words.


Bob...........most of what you describe in your reply is already happening to me. My partner has the patience of a saint and tries really hard to cope when I am like this. But I encourage her to go out and socialise , partly because I feel a burden to be with, partly because it is easier for me to shun contact with people rater than risk upsetting them or feeling paranoid........and....alarmingly.....to drink myself witless alone......................................I guess, that to be honest, I am actually quite frightened!
ATB

Widge