2nd time on citalopram, 4 months in and getting better - or am I????????

[Asha1979]

Me again! I have repeated this next sentence about 100 times on this site but I will do it again - I went on citalopram March 2008 and came off them November 2008. Went on them for panic/anxiety which turned into depression. Went back on them January 2009 due to an alcohol related episode that brought me right back to square one again . Me and alcohol dont mix. Anyway after going on 10mg to 20mg and now 30mg for the last month I feel alot better but still have occasional 'blips'. The only problem is I often find myself thinking at different times during the day will I ever be myself again. This depression/anxiety episodes for the last year and a half going on and of meds, the side effects etc etc have taken their toll on me and I find myself worrying a bit. I just want to be normal asha again the way I used to be although my boyfriend and my family say I am the same as I always was. But (and I havent told anyone this) I feel kind of bruised by the whole thing. I hope I am explaining it clear enough. I feel like I have been tarnished by the heartbreak I have had. The first time I went on it it was horrendous as I waited so long to go on an ssri and had hallucinations from xanax withdrawal and nearly lost my mind. So to get the anxiety/depression back this year was truly heartbreaking for me. I often wonder if all this fighting to get through the day and think positively is worth it. And then I look at my son and realise I must be strong. Anyone else ever feel this way??

[NoPoet]

Hi Asha, if this puts your mind at rest, I also have fears of "bad memories" of the things I have been through and I am afraid that my depression and anxiety will come back after I have recovered.

What you have been through has been bad, but that was then and this is now; you might never feel that way again. Hopefully you won't. I know for a fact my experiences over the last 2 months are going to leave a shadow on my soul, but our souls can heal

If your friends and family say you are seeming like your old self then that shows progress. It doesn't mean your problems are invisible. It probably means that your loved ones have seen you at your worst and they also see you as you are now -- and there is a big difference between the two. It does sound to me like your recovery is already started.

I am just coming out of depression myself and I am still scared that what I am feeling now is fragile and that I might sink back to being a nervous wreck again. But I won't let myself. I'm tired of feeling like life is too frightening. I want my life back and now is the time.

You're going to be fine. You've got plenty of reasons to keep going. Your recovery is coming. Trust in that.

[Allye]

Asha

I am in a similar position - second time on the merry-go-round. Last time I tried with CBT but then sank into depression (following a miscarriage) and went on Citalopram but only for 3 months.

A year and 1/2 later and the anxiety/PA have crept slowly back. I have tried to nip it on the bud by doing CBT workbooks and getting some meds. It is scary but we can only go forwards. Mindfulness has helped a bit with this.

Take care
Allye

PS I have a son too - I know exactly what you mean!

[Asha1979]

Psychopoet thanks for the uplifting words you are right when you say 'that was then and this is now' that is a good mantra to have. And Allye thank you also for your reply. Good to know Im not the only one on the merry-go-round for the 2nd time! And you have a son too! It is the biggest reason to keep on ploughing on through difficult times. It can be so scary. I just find myself having to move on all the time and get up and do things to keep occupied, thats when I forget about everything! Thanks so much

[Allye]

Yep - it is easier to stay in bed = but then I start analysing and worrying - I am much better if I get up and do things.

Take care
Allye

[Tori Frances]

Hi Asha,
I am also four months into my anxiety, (and taking Citalopram). I have had episodes before in life but have had years in between when I've been ok. Hope this helps. However during this moment I feel exactly as you do. This is the longest an episode has lasted before and I feel will never be myself again. I miss eveything I used to be and feel. My life seems to have changed imeasurably. Everey day is a huge battle at mo. My Dr says I will slowly get better but just can't say whyen. This is hard but better than thinking will go on forever I guess.
PM me if you want.