sadness, determination, then sadness again
HI all,
I hate who I am right now. I know I have no new problems like many do, other than my mental illness & my negative attitude towards myself. I can't sleep. I don't want to continue my usual habits to numb the pain.
I have made nearly everything about my life better through determination & optimism & a fierce belief that we control our own destiny & can choose any life we please. I have proven this correct to myself & my doubters by achieving everything I said I would, as anyone is able to do. I am an over achiever! It's not enough! It's all fake. I'm all fake!
I feel trapped in a life. I also know for a fact that anything I dream for myself is generally possible if I work hard enough. If I can do anything I dream, why am I constantly depressed as though life is a chore? I'm not good enough! I am a loser who doesn't deserve to have friends. I betray others by speaking the truth. I am destined to be alone. I am not safe in my own skin. There is no need to argue these points. I am aware my mind is playing tricks on me. There were once real situations that poisoned my mind with this gunk. Everyone says let it go. I only recall things because otherwise my irrationality doesn't make any sense. I can see why I feel these things.
When people speak to me a certain way it comes flooding back to me & I forget I am a new person. I am a four yr old learning my parents divorced. So quiet, can't speak. I am a 10 yr old learning my stepdad's dead from the middle of the night. So sad & angry. Many years of being called a psycho freak etc, the kids wont let my old emotions die. I feel hurt & betrayed. My new stepdad hates me! I am punished! I am inferior! I don't matter! School finished. Those days gone. Work can know how to be bullies too! They haven't grown out of it at all! It is incomprehensible that so many people hated me for so many years of my short life so far. Why am I so hard to find acceptable? because I hurt? Because I am different?
Let it go? Our memories make us who we are if we like it or not! They are flooding me now, because I could not handle being in denial & repressing them any longer. I feel like I could explode. I know my life will stop trapping me after I let go!
My life is a constant battle between the idealist & the pessimist. I need to get somewhere in the middle.If I could stop crying for a week I would be overjoyed. Perhaps it's another discipline thing, or is it a stop fighting it thing? Feeling confused!
Thankyou! I know it will pass even though it is so overwhelming I can picture that someone cares, like how I feel when I read other people's posts. I have cried buckets, but it's never enough. Sooo angry. It will pass!
I am not sure if I have ever had a real friend in my life. I find it difficult to recall a time in my life when I was not depressed for more than a month at a time. How can I ever feel like a normal person??? My mum was depressed, I tried to help!!! My sister got depressed. My brother drinks day & night. I am the successful one. I get scared as I don't know if my step brother is alive or how to find out. My dad panics over everything & is a total control freak. I can only rely on myself?
Acquaintances I know think I'm this perfect person who has it all together cause that's who I pretend to be. I feel like I can't get close, or they will find out how much of a freak I am.
Sadly spoken :(
Melody
PS I am venting in an attempt to let it go. Better out than in!
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