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Thread: what is wrong with me?

  1. #1

    what is wrong with me?

    I was just walking around today, calmly thinking about finishing my life and sort of coming to terms with the idea and feeling quite stable and unemotional about it, and yet here i am tonight typing this out, crying, and i think, getting to the bottom of my problem- what a strange day!!

    Having strolled across this site, i'm beginning to wonder if i suffer from social anxiety, especially after reading some of the entries by Poppy C, she sounds exactly like me.

    so forgive me , but i am just going to now, for no reason whatsoever, just spill my guts out to a load of strangers and just tell the truth on paper and to myself about whats happened to me.

    My first feeling of being different to anyone else, was when i was 5 years of age, at primary school. I realised that i was different, and also that i could not be like everyone else , so had to pretend to be different, all because my dad had a wicked temper and my mum, who is lovely, didnt want anyone else to know. i had to pretend that i didnt want friends round, as i knew this would upset my mum if i wanted this and she had to say no, and she already had so much to cope with with my dad.

    as the years went on, i carried on this differentness, but i did become sociable and went out and had fun as i got older, but could never let anyone know what my real life and family was like otherwise they would take the mick and realize that i was not like them.

    finally my dad became ill with alzheimers and i nursed him for years,from the age of 16-25( my mum was busy working keeping the roof over our heads- and oddly enough my dad became nicer with the illness than he was before) I was by then 25 years of age,my mum then took to drink, i had to keep the house together. and i had one friend who i had lots of fun with who knew nothing regarding my situation. which was good in a way, cos if she had of known then i couldnt have my moments of normality with her away from my mad home.

    I later married a man 18 years older than me. I was wrong to do this, but married him mainly because he offered a stable lifestyle, not just in the form of money, but also old enough not to present me with any more dramas in my life. I have now been married many years, built up a career and money, left the career to partially care for my mum. but now i find i am soooo lonely.
    But at the same time i dont want to get close to anyone, cos i am ashamed of what i have done- marrying someone for security who is a lot older ( although i really do love him) and also because , i dont know, i'm just sort of not normal somehow.

    so my dilemma was, up until finding this site, if i kill myself, or when i die anyway, i'm going to burn in eternity for my wrong doings, and meanwhile i'm living a lonely life but at the same time am too scared and weird to be with anyone normal

    Oddly enough, i feel more emotional writing all this down, and somehow more hopeful-- and also feel good , strangely , that Poppy C feels the same-- although i wish she didnt for her sake, if you know what i mean.

    thanks all you anonymous people, you may just have saved my skin for another day!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    2,709

    Re: what is wrong with me?

    Hi Tingly

    I think it is good that you have be able to put your feelings on here and I think it will help you alot. Sometimes it is far easier to tell people we don't know our feelings rather that confide in someone close to us.

    Tingly you talk about burning in eternity for your wrong doings, reading this I don't think you have any, it sounds like you are a very caring person who has had more than her share to deal with. There is nothing wrong with marrying an older person, even though you say you did it for security you say you love him and that is the most important thing. You have nothing to be ashamed of you sound like a really nice caring woman who just needs to realise her own worth.

    Carol x

  3. #3

    Re: what is wrong with me?

    Thankyou Lorac for your message.
    I actually am not sure that i did love him when i actually married him, so therefore to put that wrong right i would have to divorce him ( which again is a sin) - and i dont want to anyway cos i love him now.but i sort of feel your not supposed to love someone older than you, cos people assume you married for the wrong reasons, which i did. and i would think exactly the same, which is another reason why i am embarrassed to meet people, But then again i dont know whether i really want to get close to anyone else anyway.
    My goodness i'm confused arent I? I tell you what though, i know its wrong, but i feel a whole lot better tonight reading other peoples posts, although obviously i dont wish them ill will, i wish them all the love and luck in the world, - its just that i didnt realise so many other people struggle with such things.

    ps, I wish a christian type of person could tell me how god could be happy watching ANY of his children burn in hell. I live next door to a vicar, and he has said all sinners burn in hell, and in a way, i think to myself, what kind of father, let alone heavenly father , could be happy with that?

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    2,709

    Re: what is wrong with me?

    Hi Tingly

    I don't think God does watch his children burn in hell, I don't think God judges us as harshly as we do ourselves. Tingly we all make mistakes in life, there isn't any one of us who doesn't and sometimes the mistakes we make turn out to be the best things we ever do. I think the main thing is that you are happy with your husband now and that is all that matters. What makes you think you should not be married or love someone older than yourself, my daughter of 21 is living with a 43 year old man and my husband is 10 years younger than me, we all make choices in life and all for different reasons, people find different things in each other.

    I am pleased you feel better after talking on here today, keep talking and hopefully it will all unfold.

    Take care

    Carol

  5. #5

    Re: what is wrong with me?

    Thanks Carol

    fingers crossed you are right about God.it scares me silly some days and gives me literal nightmares.

    Thankyou for bothering to reply, thats really kind of you.
    Kind Regards

    Tingly

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