I was just walking around today, calmly thinking about finishing my life and sort of coming to terms with the idea and feeling quite stable and unemotional about it, and yet here i am tonight typing this out, crying, and i think, getting to the bottom of my problem- what a strange day!!
Having strolled across this site, i'm beginning to wonder if i suffer from social anxiety, especially after reading some of the entries by Poppy C, she sounds exactly like me.
so forgive me , but i am just going to now, for no reason whatsoever, just spill my guts out to a load of strangers and just tell the truth on paper and to myself about whats happened to me.
My first feeling of being different to anyone else, was when i was 5 years of age, at primary school. I realised that i was different, and also that i could not be like everyone else , so had to pretend to be different, all because my dad had a wicked temper and my mum, who is lovely, didnt want anyone else to know. i had to pretend that i didnt want friends round, as i knew this would upset my mum if i wanted this and she had to say no, and she already had so much to cope with with my dad.
as the years went on, i carried on this differentness, but i did become sociable and went out and had fun as i got older, but could never let anyone know what my real life and family was like otherwise they would take the mick and realize that i was not like them.
finally my dad became ill with alzheimers and i nursed him for years,from the age of 16-25( my mum was busy working keeping the roof over our heads- and oddly enough my dad became nicer with the illness than he was before) I was by then 25 years of age,my mum then took to drink, i had to keep the house together. and i had one friend who i had lots of fun with who knew nothing regarding my situation. which was good in a way, cos if she had of known then i couldnt have my moments of normality with her away from my mad home.
I later married a man 18 years older than me. I was wrong to do this, but married him mainly because he offered a stable lifestyle, not just in the form of money, but also old enough not to present me with any more dramas in my life. I have now been married many years, built up a career and money, left the career to partially care for my mum. but now i find i am soooo lonely.
But at the same time i dont want to get close to anyone, cos i am ashamed of what i have done- marrying someone for security who is a lot older ( although i really do love him) and also because , i dont know, i'm just sort of not normal somehow.
so my dilemma was, up until finding this site, if i kill myself, or when i die anyway, i'm going to burn in eternity for my wrong doings, and meanwhile i'm living a lonely life but at the same time am too scared and weird to be with anyone normal
Oddly enough, i feel more emotional writing all this down, and somehow more hopeful-- and also feel good , strangely , that Poppy C feels the same-- although i wish she didnt for her sake, if you know what i mean.
thanks all you anonymous people, you may just have saved my skin for another day!