What makes a guy a "decent" guy?

[Bill]

I've copied this selection of replies from the "online cheating" thread because they're all relevant to my question......

I truly do believe that some people (men and women both) believe that as long as it's KEPT online then it isn't technically cheating!
There are unfaithful people in the world! That is the truth of it!

some will cheat and others wont and what it comes down to is truth, honesty, faithfilness and trust.

it boosts men's ego's?
There are those that would cheat, they would cheat anyway regardless



If they are "flirting" with someone else whilst being in a relationship, whether its on or offline...it's not right.

flirting is just another way of creating options

And this statement which is the most thought provoking....

Not all men cheat hun, still a few decent guys out there .

So what is a "decent guy"?...but before you judge, consider the following first.....

A man and woman meet. They marry but the woman suffers a mental illness which is far more serious than the man realised so she could never offer the things a loving wife would normally provide in a reationship. However, the man is afraid to live alone but also cares too much about his wife. He knows that if he left, she would be put in a home which would make her very ill again. However, her illness makes him feel very lonely and he yearns for the "normal" loving things she's never been able to accept or offer.

What would a "decent" guy do? Stay by her because he cares or put her in a home to suffer alone?

Would a "decent" guy be selfish and put her in a home so he could be free or would he sacrifice his needs but still look for love?

Would a "decent" guy leave and face his fears of being alone or allow his anxiety to stay safe?

Would a "decent" guy cause pain and suffering or pretend all is ok for her sake?

Would a "decent" guy willingly accept love from another woman or refuse due to a conscience and for the sake of both women but resign himself to forever being unhappy?

Now answer......what is a "decent" guy? If you answer as I suspect you would answer based on the selection of replies above, a "decent" guy wouldn't be me which really would just confirm how I feel about myself which is why I find it difficult to accept anyone could miss me, let alone love me!

[xBettyBoopx]

Hi Bill

Hugs to you

I know you miss the 'loving relationship' that you don't have, seeing as your wife is ill.

I think you're asking the questions about 'a decent guy' because in your mind you're torn between what you have & what you want. But does this exist only in your mind? They say that the grass is always greener on the other side, & that we always want what we cannot have.

I have no answers, for all the 51 years I have been on this earth, I don't know anymore now than I did in my 20's. I know that you're a good guy, always quick on here to help others. You're only human, we all are, we make mistakes, we want what we cannot have & people cheat on their partners/husbands/wives, fact!! People lie, cheat, steal & murder. It's a rotten world. People suffer, children dying, it's all very heart-breaking. But we have to make a go of what we have apparently!! What choice do we have Bill? Some people say "I give up". What exactly does giving up mean? We never give up as long as there is breath in our bodies.

I'm not sure what all that means I just know that no one is really happy all the time. What a lovely world it would be if we were

Bill, you are so liked on here (I don't know about anywhere 'cause I ain't there), but I think that you need to stop beating yourself about things, you have so much to contend with my friend. Go easy on yourself. You never know what tomorrow may bring.

Love
Els
xxx

[eeyorelover]

Hey Bill,
What defines a decent guy?
One who thinks about others feelings and REALLY takes them into consideration.
One who cares for people and expects nothing in return.
One who worries about whether he is a decent guy or not!
Think about it...
would a sh1thead of a guy care about how others see him?
NO!

Would a "decent" guy be selfish and put her in a home so he could be free or would he sacrifice his needs but still look for love?

How long is long enough for even a decent guy to suffer thru what you have Bill?
You have given it your all! You've put her needs before your own! But everyone deserves happiness and your being selfless isn't going to bring you the happiness that you deserve!

Would a "decent" guy leave and face his fears of being alone or allow his anxiety to stay safe?

Fear doesn't make a person less deserving! Or less decent! You and I both know that the only way to get past a fear is to face it head on and show it who's boss!

Lastly...
And I say this from the bottom of my heart...
YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST CARING MEN I'VE EVER KNOWN AND YES, BILL YOU ARE A DECENT GUY!!!

Don't get so down on yourself or I may have to boot you square in your vertical smile

LUV YA MY DEAR FRIEND!!!!!
xxx
Sandy

[panicagain]

WOW what a question,,, i don't know your story but it sounds pretty sad:(
I can't really say what a decent guy is but i know what i want in my partner. Unfortunately my husband didn't really know what he was in for when he married me, he knew i had anxiety but he didn't know it'd get worse then after 16 yrs mix in depression but i guess thats what the "for better or for worse" part comes in. For me i think of mental disability sorta like other illnesses such as cancer, if my hubby got cancer i wouldn't wanna leave him in the hospital to fight it alone and i wouldn't want him to do that to me either. Its So hard to deal with mental illness cuz so many people want to tell you to just "get over it" but as most of us here know, its not that easy, if it was we wouldn't be here talking about our fears and problems.
I have read some of your posts here and you do seem to be a very decent guy, you seem to be very caring to everyone, even the most decent guys have moments of weakness, they have limits, they have needs.
I think your a decent guy with weaknesses trying to go through rough times and questioning yourself due to your weaknesses.
Your a decent guy, don't be so hard on yourself

[Bill]

Els

I accept what I have, I know what I'd like and I know what I'll never be allowed but hypothetically speaking, if the opportunity ever arose and I put my own needs first, I don't think people even on here would consider me to be a "decent" guy.

Our minds think in black and white but life presents us with lots of grey areas but who is to say what is decent and what is not or does it come down to persons personal opinions based on their morals and beliefs? However, if I stuck to my morals and resigned myself to attempting to behave as a "decent" guy in the eyes of others, would my life then become meaningless?

The grass always appears greener on the other side of the fence and in alot of cases the grass is just a deeper shade of green but what happens when one side is a barren field that needs care and nurturing but the feed that is needed to provide support is out of reach beyond a secure fence?

It's funny but yesterday I came home to empty cupboards with a days worth of washing up, a carpet that couldn't be seen for dog hairs, a ravenous dog waiting for his walk and dinner and dirty washing waiting to be washed whilst trying to cope with a lack of sleep and an empty stomach because my own dinner hadn't even been prepared, but before I could see to any of that I felt I had to check on my mother as I do every day, who then, after telling her my list of chores outstanding said to me, what I needed is 2 wives! A "decent" guy would only ever accept one though!

I accept my fate and I accept the things I Do have and what I Can't have and to accept may mean in peoples eyes that I'm a "decent" guy yet they say the devil is the one who has all the fun but I couldn't at the cost to another!

What will tomorrow bring? I can tell you....Exactly the same hassles as today but I try to remind myself by reading posts on here that there are those far worse off than me who are suffering much more...but I actually often envy them because often they have the Most important thing in life that gives true meaning to living but at what cost? The cost to me would be too great and what I could afford if it ever presented itself would mean I'd fail as a "decent" guy in many members eyes.

A paradox? Maybe I should accept I am loved but can't Be loved?

Sorry, I didn't mean to ignore the other replies Sandy and Panicagain but you wrote them while I was typing! lol I think I'm just a guy with weaknesses........and Lots of them!!!...or my life wouldn't be as it is and I would have been a "decent" guy!

[Bill]

How?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3y39...eature=related

Imagine / Love is...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CunjM...eature=related

Do these make a "decent" guy?

[belle]

This is a tough one.

For me, a decent guy (or gal) is one that is HONEST, CARING, LOVING and RESPECTFUL.

Now. I am on the otherside of the marriage. My husband married me knowing i suffered with panic and agoraphobia BUT he didn't realise 6 years in i would still be no better. So he did what he felt was right for him and he left me. I don't feel any anger of bitterness towards him. Why should his life be on hold because i am unable to be a "proper" wife? Simple answer - it shouldn't.

Some people would say (and have said) that if he loved me he would stay and be supportive, but why should he? Why should he live like a frigging agoraphobic? I wouldn't expect him to. My husband is a very independant man, he loves to travel, he loves to go out.........and i don't. So now, he's living the way he wants and i am carrying on the way i do.

What you are doing Bill by staying with your wife is what you feel is right(?). You're being the caring, loving, supportive husband, at the expense of missing out on your life (i'm guessing).

I don't know what your wife suffers with, but she sounds quite poorly. My husband never had to clean/cook/DIY/garden...nothing. For him, it was all about the lifestyle.

You sound a "decent" guy Bill.

x

[Bill]

Belle

i am unable to be a "proper" wife

That could easily be the title for another thread - "What makes a wife a "proper" wife?

Your husband loves to travel and go out but your anxiety makes it difficult for you to go out so he left and you understood his reasons but does being agoraphobic mean you're "not" a "proper" wife???

If I'd met you before I trapped myself, I would probably had a much happier life because I'm more than happy to stay in rather than travel, and caring for someone with agoraphobia wouldn't be a problem for me either because providing there was love, care and support within the home and in the relationship, I wouldn't need anything more so in my eyes you Would be a "proper" wife.

I stay because I care but also because I'd hate living alone and the emotions I would feel would be too much to bear. I'd hate myself too much. Normally though, when someone truly loves another, they will stay to look after them no matter what they suffer from. I stay for other reasons.

I cook, wash up, dry up, do the washing, hang it to dry, ironing, sewing, hoovering, cleaning, mending, gardening, chauffeuring...you name it really.....proper modern househusband! Some of it I quite enjoy. Sometimes I wish I had another wife to do it for me!

As for being a "decent" guy though, I think it depends on what you regard as being "decent".

Sandy , I know I will always be here for as long as I have my wife so if the unlikely opportunity was ever in front of me inviting me to ease my frustrations, I know that doing the "decent" thing would be the LAST thing I'd be thinking of....so I think that would mean you and many others on here would no longer regard me as being a "decent" guy....and nor would I blame Any of you for thinking it!!!

When I was young I used to think it was totally wrong to Not be a "decent" guy but after 19 years living here as I have, I've learnt that life is full of grey areas and not always black and white. However, I could never say that I am a "decent" guy because I would be too weak to say no to a beautiful angel inviting me into her comforting delicate soft wings......but I know that will always be but a dream anway.

By the way, although suffering from anxiety feels like a mental illness, it cannot be compared with my wifes severe mental illness where especially in the past she will slip into a nightmare fantasy world where no one appears who they really are....including me.