New Relationship/Job Anxiety, Please Help Me!

[servo]

Hi There,

First thanks for making this such a great forum, reading through some of the posts has given me the realization that I'm not alone...I've been suffering from GAD since I was 9 years old, years. Over the years, I've been able to more or less control it though some situations trigger my GAD and then I find it really hard (almost impossible) to keep control of my thoughts.

After not dating since 2005 (my relationship was devastating and didn't want to see anyone), I've started seeing a woman that I'm very taken by. She and me have lot's in common, and we been dating for about two months...

Those who know me say that I'm a very kind person and that I treat others with love and respect... the problem is that sometimes I think I'm too nice and I think that because I like her so much I have been selling myself short by letting her set all the rules and the times when she can see me. And now that I let myself really get to like her, my GAD is making think and worry about every little detail about the relationship...

The problem is that it's really starting to affect my work, to the point were I have been irresponsible and I'm now late in some very important projects:-( to be fair my GAD has caused me to be late in projects before but with a new relationship things are getting really out of hand. All I can do is think and worry about whether I will push her away or if she will leave me. The weird thing is that I don't know if she is right for me, as a matter of fact, It's hard to explain: in some ways she's my ideal and in other ways she's not at all...I seem to feel anxious around her and I'm always second guessing myself... now I'm at the end of my rope, all I do is have uncontrollable GAD, to the point were I don't eat, sleep exercise or do any of the things that I love doing...

On a super positive note, by dieting, and doing exercise I've lost 40 pounds in the past six months (since I was overweight that kept me away from approaching possible women and it made me feel unwanted/unattractive,) Now that I'm back to my healthy weight... for the first time in 5 years I feel a lot better (less anxiety)

I also just got a new job for the government that will allow me to use my professional career skills and to travel around the country... but now this worries me because of all the travel (I'll be gone at times for 3 weeks at a time) and I worry to death about how that will affect my new relationship...

Should I take the job offer? It was very hard to get the offer but now I'm feeling second thoughts about it... i'm not sure i'll be good at it!!!!

As for my 2 month relationship, I feel like she has all the control, and that I'm living for every phone call or date that we have... there are things about her that worry me and I think I know deep inside that this will not work... but then i feel guilty that it could be my GAD... though she has manic behavior that triggers this...

It's just that I get that old GAD symptom of "I'll never meet anyone that I like again" "This could be the last opportunity for love for me" blah blah blah... then I feel guilty for being weird around her, but her manic behavior makes me anxious...

these thoughts are all I have and I can't stop them, I don't want all the progress that i've done in my career and self to go to waste, and go back to living with my parents... I'm not sure if i'm in love with her or if it's just my old separation anxiety making me feel that I'am...

I feel that I'm at a crossroads...

any advise will be more than welcome... and thank you for hearing my issue, It felt good to put it into words,,,,

[goingmadder]

Hi Servo ..

sounds to me like you're suffering a bout of ROCD... relationship obsessive compulsion disorder along side or perhaps contributing to your GAD...

I'm having a bout of it myself.. been fine for about 2 weeks but it triggered on thursday last and im hoping im at the tail end of this bout..

First things first... take a deep breath and stop being so hard on yourself.

Secondly congratulations on all the positive steps you have been brave enough and strong enough to take recently... You've lost 40 pounds you obviously care about your work, you've now been offered a great opportunity, you've started a relationship.

Whether the relationship will survive your new job or not is nothing to worry about... Look inside yourself ... do what makes you happy. If the relationship fails it will NOT be the last... You my friend are going places!!! You've secluded yourself from the dating world for 4 years, give yourself a break dude... You're new job is going to open up all sorts of doors for you, you'll meet an abundance of new people, male and female, you will experience so many new things, people place, learning about yourself all the while...

Be brave! If she really likes you and you want the relationship to continue then you both need to be honest with eachother.. do not fear a break up.. if you're honest about your needs with her and she dumps you then all that has happend is you have been brave enough and kind enough to yourself to get out of a situation which would have inevitable led to personal misery.

You deserve, love & respect... If your friends tell you your a loving and caring and respectful person BELEIVE them even if you dont full think that way about yorself... thats just down to self esteem and grading yourself ...

If you like reading, pick up a copy of CBT for dummies... i started reading it yesterday.. its very insightful!

Keep your chin up ! Take the job and be honest with your new gal! If shes the right one for you she'll work as actively as you to make the relationship work, distance or no distance.

Good luck..

PM any time you like

X Big Hugs X

[servo]

Hi goingmadder,

thanks for your reply, it feels good to hear from someone that knows what i'm experiencing, I don't know about you but i find it hard to talk about this things with my friends as they don't know--or have experienced the symptoms of GAD...

I'm at the library now trying to work, and it's really hard cause all I kind do is think of the her, and that she is too cool for me, and that I let my GAD messed up the relationship--I think she's been acting a little colder for the past week, and I'm afraid to be loosing her...

i like what you said about the fact that I will meet someone else, it's just that I think that she's so unique that it will be impossible and it will break my heart to break up, then again, I've been through so much that I know that I can really survive a heartbreak-- I really like the fact that after meting her I feel like I can be in a relationship, as a matter of fact, I now know that I want deeply to be with another woman and that i really would like a family... which I had been doubting with anxiety for the past two years... so a good thing has come out of this...

this relationship also brought the fact of my persisting GAD, and I really want to do something about it... I've been working on improving my people skills for the past 2 years (and it's been working) and I also have stopped drinking entirely, and I'm completely free of any substances, plus my exercise is making me feel better and younger...

goingmadder, I think you hit it on the nail with saying that I'm too hard on myself, I seem to always put myself down, and in the end I'm doing terrible damage to myself... I think that Im my worst enemy!

I've been coming up with new techniques for dealing with my GAD, I noticed that if I don't listen to my body and fears (which is really hard to do) I start to act and feel better... does anyone knows of there's a name for this technique? and does it work for anybody else...

either way I'm really tired of suffering in silence, so this forums feel like a new home

[bobobob]

I'm happy you found someone. Thats great.

[servo]

well i saw her tonight at the place where she works and I brought her coffee (a small but thoughtful gesture) and i could feel in her reaction that she didn't wanna see me...

now here's the strange thing, the anxiety is all gone... as i was leaving the bar I said to myself: "she doesn't love me, and I will not allow myself to fall in love with someone that is proving so difficult to love, because I deserve better"

yes she's ultra beautiful, and we have a lot in common, but for me there's something missing... and that is that I feel she playing games...or that im playing into her plans... which i now think is what's made me feel so much GAD in the last few weeks... it escalated to the point that I thought I was going crazy... but now that I concluded I didn't love her, I feel a calm sensation that is soothing and a mental clarity has fallen over me...

I will go out on new dates and take my new job and celebrate my life!! I will go out with new & old friends and *act* like this is all behind me and I will keep working on my GAD, until one day its all better...

I realized that its all in the mind, and that I can with great difficulty get myself better...

Now I'm supposed to see her tomorrow, should I break up then? I think I could enjoy dating her now that I know that I'm not serious about us, but maybe is better if I just play it cool and end things...

what do you guys think?

[goingmadder]

Hey Servo,

Im glad you're feeling better you seem to be much stronger...

If she doesnt love you and you really don't love her but you both enjoy eachothers company then by all means date her...

If on the other hand you're statement about not loving her is merely an avoidnace measure, something to make you feel better about your fear that she doesn't love you then DO NOT DATE HER ... All you will do over time is destroy your selfesteem as deep down you will live in the hope that she might love you ....

Relationships are a complicated thing... my anxiety is opposite.. I doubt love out of fear that it's going wrong, or iv made the wrong decision, or they deserve better or even worse the fear of the doubt coming back to destroy another relationship... when i feel this i think im going mad...

My doubts don't mean i don't love him, but its hard to accept that the negative thoughts aren't true when they spark the physical symptoms anxiety and also unhealthy emotional responses like guilt/shame, anger/rage, fear..

I would suggest you sit and talk to her openly... ask her what she thinks or expects from the relationship... what she feels about you... You may find you've misjudged her or even that she's dealing with her own internal issues which may be being reflected outwardly onto the relationship... On the otherhand she may be desprate for the relationship to end and like you doesn't know when or how to end it....

What do you really have to lose? Nothing... You will walk away stronger and more intune with yourself regardless of the outcome...

Whatever you decide, good luck....
PM me anytime

big hugs

X

And well done for being kinder to yourself!!!!

XX

PS I

[goingmadder]

Hey Servo,

Im glad you're feeling better you seem to be much stronger...

If she doesnt love you and you really don't love her but you both enjoy eachothers company then by all means date her...

If on the other hand you're statement about not loving her is merely an avoidnace measure, something to make you feel better about your fear that she doesn't love you then DO NOT DATE HER ... All you will do over time is destroy your selfesteem as deep down you will live in the hope that she might love you ....

Relationships are a complicated thing... my anxiety is opposite.. I doubt love out of fear that it's going wrong, or iv made the wrong decision, or they deserve better or even worse the fear of the doubt coming back to destroy another relationship... when i feel this i think im going mad...

My doubts don't mean i don't love him, but its hard to accept that the negative thoughts aren't true when they spark the physical symptoms anxiety and also unhealthy emotional responses like guilt/shame, anger/rage, fear..

I would suggest you sit and talk to her openly... ask her what she thinks or expects from the relationship... what she feels about you... You may find you've misjudged her or even that she's dealing with her own internal issues which may be being reflected outwardly onto the relationship... On the otherhand she may be desprate for the relationship to end and like you doesn't know when or how to end it....

What do you really have to lose? Nothing... You will walk away stronger and more intune with yourself regardless of the outcome...

Whatever you decide, good luck....
PM me anytime

big hugs

X

And well done for being kinder to yourself!!!!

XX