Hey all,
Being diagnosed with depression from anxiety a few months ago (take 10mg esc daily) I'm still questioning things and I wonder if anyone could help me? I've done a bit of reading on the internet (mostly scientific articles) but sometimes it helps to hear from others about their experiences.
I'm absolutely exhausted and overwhelmed all the time. I'm just so so so tired and fed up and lacking motivation to do anything (except drink beer and watch meaningless tv..). The reason I saw a Dr is that this was totally unlike me. I always was active, happy and excelled at university. I'd work very hard to make sure I got high grades, I'd spend extra hours at work (unpaid) to ensure my reports were "perfect". I've never ever had a break - school, university, full-time employment (whilst completing a Masters) and now back at university. I've always loved my studies and worked and didn't mind doing extra hours because I loved it. Now I hate it and am considering a change of career.
I find myself sitting for weeks in front of my computer at uni, perfectly capable of my work, and not completing anything... not even writing a word. I don't seem to care about the repocussions. I just don't care. This again so unlike me.
I've been bullied at my current university by my advisor. I've lost my self-esteem, confidence, courage and I've never ever felt so incredibly stupid in my whole entire life. When he grades my work, he says its the worst thing he has seen. I'm now afraid to submit anything to him and therefore never achieve anything - so I am behind, making him more angry. I finally got the courage to give him something only to have comments like "think BEFORE you write!" "I can't believe this is all the work you have done in 2 years" (even though I specified it was only an abstract and introduction, the rest was still to come). He submitted my abstract and introduction to the heads of our department writing "this is all the work she has done in 2 years!" which is not true. I then had to prove to them that indeed I was working. In any other university I could change supervisor but my contract is different meaning that I can't.
My doctor has just written a letter recommending a 3 month break from university (which is also my full-time paid employment) which I'm waiting to be approved so I can take a break - stressful move in itself as I will not be paid while away from uni/work and I cannot afford to go back to my home country. I can stay rent free with my partner but I would still need some money. Unfortunately I cannot work in his country part-time as I don't have a visa.
I've never felt like this before - I'm upset, tired, so exhausted and unhappy. I'm upset with myself for not being a better student and letting this advisor have such a negative affect on me.
Could this really be depression? Or am I just in a rough patch?
Thanks for your help,
kiwigirl
http://kiwigirl-infrance.blogspot.com/