Can't do this anymore

[Karen]

I really hate this anorexia and I hate myself for what I am doing to people. I'm driving all my friends away and I won't have anyone left who wants to know me soon. I know it is all my fault and I don't deserve any help or support.

The anorexia makes me do such stupid things sometimes and although I want to get better, I just can't seem to give it up. I can't let go of needing to restrict food and lose weight to feel better about myself and because the anorexic thoughts tell me I will find love and happiness this way.

Now everyone is getting fed up with my stupid and self-destructive behaviour. I know I am such a terrible person because I can see what it is doing to those who care about me and yet I still don't seem to be able to stop. Now I have made a good friend cross with me and am scared I have driven this person away, and it's all my own fault but I can't handle this anymore.

What if K goes next? Everyone thinks I am choosing the anorexia over them but I'm not. I wish I could make it stop. I want it to go away but I can't make it.

I feel like I'm stuck at the bottom of a huge dark pit full of despair and pain and right now I can't see any way out.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Piglet]

Hi Karen,

Aww, sorry you feel pants but you're not driving me away, for one.

I can only try to imagine how you are feeling by equating it with my feelings about being outside my comfort zone and how scared I feel sometimes.

If you keep trying to eat bits and succeed then you are doing really well (and it will ensure you stay out of hospital). You need a reward for everytime you manage this and I don't know about any of the others but I really like hearing about you managing to eat say the yoghurt, as its positive steps and gives us all encouragement in our own little endeavours.

Love Piglet and a big hug xx

[SickofIt]

Karen,
I'm so sorry you feel this way. This disease is not your fault and anyone who thinks so is just wrong. I understand how you feel about driving people away. I have hid my anxiety/panic and depression from my husband for many years for fear that he would not know how to deal with it.

You're not a terrible person, you're just a regular person who needs help for a problem. Everyone has problems they need help with and you are no different.

You may be right when you say you can't stop this. You need the right kind of help at the right time.

[Sax]

:( Hi Karen,

Im so so sorry you are feeling so down today, but you are not alone and we are all still here supporting you and willing you to keep fighting! You have tremendous support here we will never go - even though you feel you may be driving people away, I'm sure this is not true and the friends here will always be here i can assure you.

Please never call yourself a terrible person you are certainly not that and I cannot ever reiterate enough how valuable the support you give on this forum and your other one is! You are an amazing person and I am full of admiration for you, remember that dream of one day being the therapist you thought you might consider doing - well hold onto it, you'd be mega!

Take care Karen and just sending my love and support and huge hugs and I hope the day picks up a bit for you!

((((((((((((((Karen))))))))))))))))))))

love Sax xx[8D]

[Karen]

Thank you Sax, SickofIt and Piglet. You are all really kind.

I know I am really dispicable and I am hurting some of my friends by continuing with this. If I really cared for them I would be able to stop wouldn't I? It is no one's fault but my own and I know I don't deserve any help or support when I put the anorexia first every time.

I do hate myself for being like this and if this friend gives up on me it is my own fault.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like giving up.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[trac67]

Hi Karen,
Your a lovely person, and you are not to blame for what has happened, and i am sure other people dont think you are a terrible person. K is a true friend to you, and true friends dont leave in time of need hun. You just have to take things one day at a time, and do like Piglet says eat small bits as often as you can. You do deserve all the help and support that you get hun, and we are all here for you, you havent driven any of us away.
take care hun, and keep going forwards
Love
Trac xxxx

its "just a thought"

[Karen]

Thanks Trac.

I'm just so upset because I think I've hurt this person and made her cross with me. It is my fault and I understand why she is cross because I was really stupid.

You are right that K is a true friend but now I am panicking that K will also get fed up with me and the fact that I'm not making any progress.

Also I can't get an appointment with my therapist this week because she is booked up and I'm really not coping at the moment.

I really wish K could be here. I need her so much.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[nomorepanic]

Karen

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down at the moment.

You know that we are all here for you and reach out to give you virtual hugs all the time.

I think some people may get frustrated with you because you aren't making as good a progress as people would hope for with the anorexia and it becomes very frustrating to offer any good advise. Sometimes we just don't know what to say to help you. We are however always here to listen and offer any support we can.

What do you think you could manage to do that would help with the anorexia and help lift your spirits a bit? Are you able to get out much or are you still feeling poorly? Has Jac been to see you atall?

Does K have any suggestions on what she would like/want you to do to move forward?

I am not sure what else to say except I am here if you want to call me - you have my number ok? I am usually in after 6pm most nights.

Take care of yourself please
xx

Nicola

"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"

[Karen]

Thanks Nic. I can understand people get frustrated and don't know what to suggest or how to help. I get really frustrated with myself because I'm not getting anywhere.

It is when the anorexia makes me do things that actually make things worse and that could affect my health that I know I am really stupid and I feel I deserve it when people get cross. But then I get really upset because I want to stop and just don't feel able to.

I'm not getting out much. I haven't felt too good the past few days but apart from that I am ok healthwise but just don't have any motivation to go anywhere. I spend all my time trying to battle the anorexic thoughts, obsessing about K or trying to avoid Dad. I'm just exhausted and worn out with it all.

K says I need to block out the voice of anorexia and see through the false promises of happiness and love it gives me. But she also said I am in a very weakened state as a result of my struggle with this and might need hospital and extra support. I still can't cope with the thought of hospital or being away from her though.

I am completely wiped out today having been up all night and now I still can't sleep because of all this upset and panic. I know no one can beat this for me and I have to do it myself but right now I just wish someone would make it all go away. I wish K could make it all go away.

Thanks for saying I can call you.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Karen]

I need to apologise as it turns out I had a major overreaction and completely misread what was said and the person concerned is not cross with me or leaving me.

The reason I reacted this way is because I believe I would be getting everything I deserve if I had been right about this because my actions were dreadful and very stupid, and I really do hate myself for what I do in the name of this anorexia at times.

I know it must be very frustrating to watch me, not only not make any progress towards getting better, but actually go in the other direction and get worse. I want to be free of this illness but I don't seem to be able to take action to do it.

I am always expecting rejection because I don't think I am worth having people care about me, however I should know better by now that K and my other friends are not going to leave me.

Sorry if I worried anyone.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.