I've ruined everything

[Karen]

It looks like I've done it again, only this time I am terrified that I have gone too far and I've upset K. I know she is extremely disappointed in me and I deserve it. In fact I don't blame her if she hates me because I hate myself. I hate the person I have become and I hate what I am doing to people I care about - particularly K. She means everything to me and I am messing it all up.

If she gives up on me or leaves me because I am so stupid I've driven her away I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to say it but I don't even want to try to live without her. Without her my life is meaningless and I might as well curl up and die.

Can't stop panicking now and I doubt she will reply again today so I don't know what is happening. I can't blame this on the anorexia because it's me - I am the one doing these things.

I love her so very much and I want to be with her. I need her like I need air to breathe. If I could be with her I know everything would be ok. I just can't cope with this anymore:(.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[seh1980]

Karen - what is it you think you've done?

I'm sure K won't leave you. She has been with you this far, hasn't she?

"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal

[clickaway]

Oh Karen,

This is not you, its your anorexia. I've seen you write messages rather like this before and the you realise that its not quite so bad after all.

I know that K means so much to you, but I think she's still here for you and so are we.

Take care,

Ray



Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker

[trac67]

Oh Karen Honey K wont leave you like i said before she is your true friend, she knows that it isnt you, it is your anorexia that is doing it to you.
Hang in there hun, i am so sure that K wont leave you.
Stay strong and im thinking of you,
Love Trac xx

its "just a thought"

[Karen]

Thanks for saying it's not my fault but really it is. I might have anorexia but I am the one who does these things. I am too ashamed to say what I did but it was stupid and will only lead to the anorexia getting worse.

So I really don't deserve to have her care about me or to have her support. It's all my own fault.

I need her so much and I can't believe I keep doing things that could put my relationship with her at risk. I can't see any way out other than being with her. I don't think there is any other way.

I'm so scared and can't stop panicking. And to top it all Dad keeps ringing again today. I want to get away from here and away from him but the only place I want to go is to be with K.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Sue K with 5]

Hi Karen

K is a very special person, who has been ther for you for quite a while now, real friends never walk away, trust me, my mum was ill for years and she has had two true friends who have stuck by her no matter whats she said or did.

K is the same, she might need to step back, but walking away is not an option for her, because she would have done it a long time ago, trust me !

I have no idea what you have done, but I know how anorexia can damage you mentally and phsyically, and you have been through so much recently, especially with your dad.

I think you need to say goodbye to him for a while, all the time this man has an impact on your life and bringing you down you will never be able to get stronger.

My dad used to be able to reduce me to tears and thats is an awful way to control someone.

You are a brilliant, caring and wonderful person who give the greatest support and advise, so now take some of ours back. Listen to what is said and remember how much we all care about you.

Trust me K is still going to be there


All my love and hugs



Sue with 5

scknight

[helen__w]

Hi Karen

I dont know much about your situation but I do know that you are lovely person who has given me great words of support of comfort on here!

Take care and please dont berate yourself you dont deserve it!

Helen x

[Karen]

Hi Helen

Thanks for your reply. I am glad if I have been able to help you at all with anything I've said.

I know beating myself up and blaming myself doesn't get me anywhere but I just feel so bad about some of the things I've done recently, and particularly how this might be hurting K. It makes me believe I am such a bad person because of it.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Karen]

Hi Sue

Thank you so much for your reply. You are right about K being a very special person and she is a true friend. Deep down I know she would never walk away. She made a promise to stand by me and see me through this, no matter how long it takes and I know she would never let me down. I trust her with my life.

Sometimes though I feel I don't deserve her help, support and friendship. I think I should be making progress and getting better, when instead I am not getting anyway, and in fact things are deteriorating. Worse than this is when I do things which actually lead to my situation getting deteriorating.

It doesn't really matter what I've done, except to say that it is totally self-destructive and against everything K would want for me. It would be easy for me to lay blame entirely on the anorexia and avoid taking responsibility, however I am the one who chooses whether to act on the thoughts and therefore I blame myself and know it is entirely my fault.

You are right regarding Dad I think and I wish I had the courage to tell him that I need space and to ask him to leave me alone to sort my life out. He is adding to my distress and I am constantly on edge and anxious. I cannot answer the phone at all now and have turned the ringer off as I was jumping every time it rang, and I am so worried he is going to turn up here banging on my door that I have been sitting in the dark so he wouldn't know I was home if he turned up. The situation cannot go on like this, but I don't know what to do about it.

Sorry to hear about your Dad. Were you able to stand up to him or walk away? How did you handle it? Dad is about the only person he can reduce me to tears like that and I think it probably is another form of control. I rarely cry at any other time and tend to keep everything bottled up inside however upset I feel.

I want to thank everyone for caring so much. I don't know what I've done to deserve such good friends.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Karen]

Thanks Nigel.

Today is better than yesterday, but then it couldn't be much worse than that. I've heard from K this morning so feel relieved about that. I still can't help thinking that I might hurt her or that I am being a burden to her though.

I am still worrying about more talk of hospital and the impending crisis or breakdown everyone appears to think I am heading for. I don't want to believe or accept that I will end up in hospital one way or another and that it would be better for me to admit myself rather than wait for the choice to be taken away from me.

I also had a letter from my estate agent this morning suggesting that I might want to consider lowering the price my house is on the market for due to lack of interest. This is another thing that worries me about the talk of hospital. How am I supposed to sell this house and find somewhere else to buy if I'm in hospital???? I have visions of either selling this and being homeless, of not being able to sell and facing greater financial problems or of Dad swanning in and taking over. It is more pressure and uncertainty and I don't know what to do.

Also Dad has been making his usual round of phone calls this morning. I've now turned the phone ringer off again.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.