It's hard to learn to walk away from pushy people

[melody]

Hi everyone

A major thing I have struggled with my whole life is dealing with those people who insist on putting me (or others who don't deserve it) down every time I see them. I keep being nice, because it's hard not to, even when I don't like someone. I think even people I don't like have some good qualities, & everyone deserves for people to be civil to them.

The problem is that I have trouble standing up for myself if they get out of line & their negativity about me gets stuck in my head as another thing "not to like about me". I know I need to be less friendly to them. I know I need to tell them to stop being rude when they say mean things, or walk away.

I was talking to my neighbor who often upsets me. Another neighbor has agoraphobia due to chronic health issues. This lady was saying she should "snap out of it & get back to work" & "there is no excuse for it". I said "I know it can be overwhelming as she's so lonely & feels stuck, but she cant help it. She has anxiety, as well as the health stuff".
Then she goes "she can't have anxiety. She's smart". I could have killed her. I said "I have anxiety, I think she may have it too. She's scared"
Then she starts going on about "I know depression because my family situation was hard" & other stuff. Then she said "I don't have the luxury of getting help because everyone told me to get back to it so I did". She kept going on about this poor girl & saying judgemental things about mental illnesses, like as if they are a life choice or some garbage like that. Grrr... No one who really experienced depression would make sweeping statements like that. They would know better. We learn compassion going through it.

I said I was getting upset & didn't want to talk about it anymore. I feel so angry. She knows I have depression and anxiety & I feel that it was cruel of her to say such judgemental things to me about it, she does it every time. She still kept going on about it for a bit after I told her to stop too.

I can't completely give her all of the blame. If I were a stronger person:
*I could have said earlier (before I got upset) I have to go & maybe lied about having to meet someone
*I could have not replied to any of her garbage bitching, so the conversation would have died (but I was too angry to let it go. It's really mean to say that stuff. I bet she says stuff like that about me too).

Instead what do I do, EVERY TIME! I stand there politely listening to her whine about all her stuff & giving kind words. Then I felt stuck. Listening to her be intolerant about what other people are dealing with. I stood there frozen thinking "I can't be rude". Why not? She does it all the time. She isn't worth my time or my emotions. It can be easier to see the truth about people I guess if they are doing it about other people, not me. I know I would never dream of gossiping like that about anyone, even if I thought it. It would be too malicious. I can only speak honestly here because I know it will never get back to her & it won't interfere with anyones reputation.

That's enough venting. I hope I can be stronger next time. If anyone knows any good ideas about these situations or has any comments, feel free to let me know. I have always been terrible at this conflict stuff. I'm too nice, or too much of a doormat. It's very hard, it gets me every time.

Melody

[duskess]

Hi Melody , I can undesrtand how you feel , i have agraphobia like you neighbour , before i got so low i used to chat with all my neighbours and the gossip i did not like , i just did not join in and when i did i always said something positive about who they were gossiping about , you did too so well done you cant stop gossip , no one would be sarcatic to me as everyone knows i have MH problems but if they were i dont think it would bother be now i guess they gossip about me infact i know they will but i would rather they did and leave someone else alone ( an old saying ) you are a good neighbour to have , try not to worry about gossipers , take care d x ,

[melody]

Hi, thanx.

I had agoraphobia back in 2005. I pushed through it. I resent the cruelty to others about it though, it is insulting what I have been through, & what others are going through. I resent that I wasted my time caring if that person was OK (she acts sad, but I think she is a user for ways to look down on others). Now I think they were only tricking me into giving gossip. I would not feel embarrassed if I completely lost my temper at her. I think I can be strong enough to let it go, but to not think of her as a friend anymore at the same time. From now on "I'm busy. I'm in a hurry. I'm running late" to her. She is too mean for me!

Melody

[Arthurjaded]

Ok this is the first time I will try to help, so bear with me please. See if this helps you with confronting people.
I was once told that humans have built in responses from when we were primative beings, a bit like "fight or flight" type things!. anyway to cut a long story short in the modern world there useless. Because of laws and social circumstance we can not actually use them. What they do is create the feeling of fear which in turn is telling you to "stand up for yourself" You must remain calm. Do not give in to the urge.
You cannot control situations, its impossible, and to try to causes more anxiety.
You do not own the right to control others, But this also means you are not responsable for there actions or opinions. The only person you can control is yourself and by giving in to the urge you will loose control of that person.
Remember its her opinion, not yours, you are seperate and have the right to your own opinions. She does not have the right to tell you any otherwise.
Its kinda silly that we work backward like this.
But the most important thing to remember is you have the right to say "NO" no matter what anyone says or does...Good luck

[Arthurjaded]

Also if you ever feel scared about talking to people like I used to.. Talk to them about these pushy people, once you do you find out your not so alone. Because most people have had bother off them, and feel the same way. You'll start to find there behaviour starts to bother you less because of this. However they wont go away.
If you ever find out how to get rid of them let me know coz I have my own Lol

[Thumbelina]

Melody, trully understand what you feel,

Arthur, agree with you!

I started treating the people who have a trouble understanding that the issues and opinions can be much more diversified then they are in their rlittle world LIKE PEOPLE WHO need help themselves. This is not that they do not want to understand - they simply are not able to. Remember yourself before - if somebody would have ever told you before you had your first panic attacks or anything extreme from your condition, would you ever believe that these feeleing can be possibly real - NO.

Your neighbour is probably educated person, but she has her own issues, and this is the way she deals with them, by attacking others.
There is no point of getting upset over it, seriously, you have to stop reacting to peoples opinions that are not very comforting to you when you are volnurable. Its good to have a bit of criticism, but later - when we get stronger.

In my situation - your neigbour - is my husband - he passes the same comments as your neigbour to me.
It hurts allot - but this not the worst thing possible to happen. He is simply not able to understand. But has plenty of other good sides that compensate for his bad attitude towards my condition.

Hope it makes some sense to you now.

[melody]

To be honest, I have difficulty remembering a time in my life when I was not depressed. Even when I thought I was happy, I still kept sneaking off to cry more days than not. The panic attacks are newer. I do understand her point of view, I think it is destructive to an oversensitive person like myself. Her problems are always more important. She thinks its OK to ask for advice & then argue all the reasons my views are wrong. I can understand that she is in denial, but I can be of no help to her as long as she remains that way. It is not really my place to continue reaching out to someone that keeps saying hurtful things each time we speak, especially if I am of no help to them.

Not understanding is one thing. It is the constant put downs that are getting me down. I don't think I deserve to be put down. My self esteem is fragile enough. I feel guilty feeling that way sometimes, but I must listen to my instincts & keep some polite distance. It is far from the first time I have felt completely worthless after speaking with that person. She has a way of pushing my buttons. I know she doesn't mean any harm.

Arthur I do agree with you. Part of the reason I felt so awful is that I wanted to leave the conversation 15 minutes earlier when I started to sense that I was beginning to feel upset. I froze up & was afraid of acting rudely. It's not the first time I've put up with others upsetting me without walking away or speaking up. It is myself I want to change. I will always be oversensitive, always have. I am hoping I can learn to act on what I feel & step out of the rut I have been in, by learning to assert my boundaries.

[Arthurjaded]

Good but remember most people get being assertive mixed up with being agressive, being assertive means being aleart and thinking of what is best for everyone. If you really think your neighbour is a nasty person then just ignore her. Get on with your own buisness and dont get agressive it will only hold you back.
Hatred is just baggage, let her carry it

[melody]

My idea of being rude, isn't what most people would consider rude. I couldn't be aggressive if I tried. That's why I struggle with repressed rage. I have been using meditation as a tool to let it out & allow myself to feel it. I can use my imagination to resolve my anger without hurting anyone or starting a fight. I am usually not brave enough to speak up about things.

I wrote her a letter about my depression a few weeks ago apologizing & stating I couldn't help her with a legal problem she has that I have gone through, because the memories are so intense it triggers my depression for many days each time. (I felt like I was being really mean, but I couldn't take it day after day). She replied by letter that she understood, I was very relieved. Yet every time she sees me she brings it up & criticizes what I say about how I coped. I also struggle with knowing it is OK if I don't answer every question, if it will upset me. She just forgets. I am not aggressive, but I need to learn to put my needs first in some situations, I never learned that before. I would like to ignore her, she sees me from ages away & rushes up to me. She seems to have stopped coming into my home which is a relief. I need to be firm, it is very hard.

My partner came home from his weekend away. He had some advice that I liked. He said If I see her I can say hi & smile, but not to stop walking, that's when I get stuck talking to her. He said if I keep moving she should get the hint, or even if she doesn't I can keep walking away anyway.

Thank you everyone for your support. Anger is a very difficult problem for me, it seems to have gone away for now with the support I have received. I don't like to be rude, but I don't want to keep being a pushover & letting people corner me into conversations I don't want to have. I will work it out. I feel much better for having vented it all out & taking on all the good advice

Melody

[razor-elliots]

I suffer from social phorbia and agoraphobia, according to my wifey's anxiety books. I find it impossible to categorize myself when it comes to problems because I always think each box misses an important point about it that needs to be addressed. I think that the best thing to do when someone expresses their personal ignorance in this way is to do the half agree, half disagree deal where you try to see it from their point of view while also keeping yours. For instance, a good thing to say is. "Yes, it is a choice to actually try to get help for depression, and even that can be daunting because it's not easy to admit that you're mentally ill in some way. But no one can be blamed for these things. Depression is an illness, telling someone to snap out of it CAN be useful, if they're milking it and using it as an excuse not to fight it, but the same goes for any illness.

I personally believe that you shouldn't milk your mental illness to get everything you can out of it, otherwise you're telling yourself that you're getting benefits from it which will simply reinforce your neurology. The same goes with other illnesses. It's a part of your mind that chooses to fight it and every time you reap some benefit or sympathy for it, that part of your mind gets quieter and quieter, sometimes it's good for other's to be less tolerant. This woman could be a gift if you took it the way that would benefit you most. This also goes for any illness, a part of your mind chooses to fight it so reinforce that. Some people though, a part of them does not want depression to go away, it is an easy way out of events they don't want to participate in.

Probably gone on a tangent, so I'll stop here.