Need help with Bipolar please

[Oceanblue]

I have crisis numbers until Monday. Bf is looking after me this weekend until Monday when I'll be taking some time out and spending some time in hospital again.


Please can I talk to people here who have Bipolar. I still need help understanding this illness, it confuses me and I really need to talk to somebody who knows.

I've never been able to accept that I have this, but after talking to my PDoc yesterday he says that I have to learn to accept it and take the full medications, else I will never become well.


I hate, hate taking the meds because I don't feel like me, I feel very robotic and I don't feel free, I feel like i'm trapped in a cage. I'm sure those that have Bipolar understand exactly what I mean.

They do of course stop the extreme highs and lows, but it's not how a normal person feels surely. I'll be honest with you, I do crave the highs, until of course they become out of control, but sometimes they don't reach this. It's like being addicted to a drug which i'm not even taking, does this make sense ? I thrive on mild highs, I achieve so much in life, but I understand i'm playing with fire because I'm risking going over the edge and hitting full blown mania.


Of course I can't live with the lows the depression, they're horrible, just horrible, and I want to die, although I feel like i'm already dead inside and don't exist, and have continious suicidal thoughts and plans.


All I want is to be me, and that I have never known. I really need to talk to somebody that understands here, until I go in on Monday. I hope you don't mind.


Is it possible for doctors to find the right combination of medications, without feeling we're trapped ?

Thanks so much xxx

[melody]

http://www.flickr.com/photos/melodynolan/

Hi. I have extreme highs and lows too. Feeling trapped means denial of self & denial of feelings. Believe me or not, I learned this the hard way. Feelings need to be expressed. Expressing feelings with self control can be learned. It takes discipline! You need to find a way to express yourself privately at first, so that you don't hide anything. Poetry,dance, art, writing etc. Whatever creativity you can live with.

[Oceanblue]

http://www.flickr.com/photos/melodynolan/

Hi. I have extreme highs and lows too. Feeling trapped means denial of self & denial of feelings. Believe me or not, I learned this the hard way. Feelings need to be expressed. Expressing feelings with self control can be learned. It takes discipline! You need to find a way to express yourself privately at first, so that you don't hide anything. Poetry,dance, art, writing etc. Whatever creativity you can live with.

Thanks Melody for replying to me and for your link to your Art. That's so sweet. My fav's were "Wave" and "Ups & downs of Life", I love the way you express yourself with colour.

I love Art too, and base my life around Art, Music, Photography, Dancing, all sorts.

I have no problem expressing myself, sometimes I guess I could have a problem expressing myself too much !

What i'm trying to say is the medications STOP this,.. and this is what I don't like. They stop me from being me.

Does this make sense ? This is why,.. I hope to hear from anybody out there that have been prescribed Bipolar Medications without many side effects. Side effects that doesn't cause robotic being.

I can't stand it !!

[bottleblond]

Hey Katie

I have very little knowledge of Bipolar. I have watched programmes and read articles in magazines which let me understand it but to feel it like you do is a different matter.

Katie i can't begin to imagine how this effects your life but i really hope that we can support you through this.

I am thinking of you lass!!
Lots of love
Lisa
xxxx

[sb001f8994]

Hi Katie,
I, like Lisa have a limited knowledge learned through the media but I would like to send you lots of hugs and best wishes.
Take care
Carol xx

[Oceanblue]

You guys make me cry,.. in a good way of course.

Thanks so much, so much for at least trying to understand. What more can I ask for ?

I believe people who suffer with Anxiety, Panic, Depression etc,.. are very understanding anyway, and I'm lucky to have you.

X Thanks, thanks so much xx

[sunshine-lady]

Hi Katie.

My experiences of bipolar are very varied (I am sure this is one thing that all fellow bipolar sufferers have in common) I feel wary about the term sufferers because on the whole I endeavour to be positive and I don't want to be labelled. I have met some very wonderful people who share my 'label, but also others who do nothing to help themselves. I did attend a bipolar support group for a short time which I found very supportive, but since acceptance of diagnosis, two years of psychotherapy, counselling and trying to get my life into some kind of order I no longer feel the same need to attend.
I have found the thing that works for me is to be as secure and stable as possible. I try not to read newspapers when I'm down and try not to do stupid things when I'm high. I have learned from my experiences not to do the impulsive things that seem like a good idea when I'm feeling like superwoman and therefore not to give my depressions more fuel when the bubble bursts. I have learned time and time again that depression does get better, though it nevers feels like it at the time! I tend to use my highs as constructively as I can but It's always a test to resist the urge to go completly off the rails and do things that I bitterly regret. If nothing else I have learned and I hope that my experiences have made me less judgemental, less critical of others, always more sensitive to how others feel ( a sort of emotional barometer) and a better friend, wife and mother.
Their are many manic depressives who have shaped our world and made it a beautiful place. At least 40% of the worlds exceptional and gifted people had given us all so much of themselves I can list hundreds and hundred of people in all walks of life who have enriched our existance with their creativity. Think of how silent and plain and incomprehensively dull our society would be without expressive music, art,wit and humour and my favourite of course good food. All these amazing and wonderful humans who have struggled and overcome the tragedies in their lives, just like us, and then gone on to brighten and enrich the lives of the rest of society. People who have no concept of mental illhealth take for granted the music of Mahler, Schubert, Beethoven and more recently the Manic street Preachers Probably Kate Bush and certainly Annie Lennox to name a few. We all chortle at Paul Merton, Stephen Fry and bless him Spike Milligan but without experiencing extremes how could they have crafted their art? I'm not suggesting that we bathe in their fame but recognise the value of their existence to name a few.
I am sure with the right combination of medication, support and your obvious own strength, things will get much better for you. Take a step back and give yourself a huge pat on the shoulder, you are a wonderful mother, partner and friend.
Sorry for the long winded post!
Take care Katie xx

[Jennifer Anne]

Katie

I dont know much about your condition however, i wish you all the best darling i really do. You are trying so hard i will say a prayer for you this evening.

x

[Oceanblue]

I wanted to write to say thanks for all your messages and to those that have written to me in pm.

Thanks for everyones support and care.

I hope everyone here manages to stay well and I hope to write to you all again soon.

Take good care of yourselves and will miss you all. xxxx

[marie1974]

Hugs and i hope you start to feel better real soon hun. xxxxxx