Hey, i have mentioned a little about my uni thing about how i didnt go to lectures cos of the fear of being trapped feeling sick etc...
Well i am repeating the year and will be going back to portsmouth abuot the 25th of september and my course starts the 3rd october with the first week being like freshers introduction.
I thought that for some of the bits im scheduled to go to, i wouldn't, partly ill admit to you guys, so i dont have to be in the rooms with people, but also cos i have already done it and know the info they'd tell me, and a couple i knew before i even went so i think its a bit pointless putting myself through that wheni dont have to...
Lecture wise i will really push myself... i have made short term progress with stuff, like today (my boyfriend came down friday and left at 5 something today) me and mark went to the amuesments on the pier and we walked down the busy bit as i call it and i decided i better rather than go the out skirt way i usually would go if i go out, and went through town, and also stopped off on the way back in town t WHSmiths and i felt fine which is great, also monday we went from here (worthing) to portsmouth to check out our houses for next year, and i felt a bit icky going there but was fine there, and we went into the town bit in pompey and wetherspoons for food, felt a bit conscious in 'spoons at first but settled, so it was good though i feltquite ok... so i am hoping this will help and i can build on this, cos thats basically what we have to do isnt it? when we have our bad moments, we lose however many layers of our confidence etc (like a puff pastry for instance!!) and we have to build those layers up again, and i think even if we never get cured, thats not the end of the world, just small set backs along the way, that we can always rebuild....
now after that little positive bit ill let you knw my worries about the uni, i feel the pressure of havin messed it up and not trying, i am alos worried about my relationship, partly my anxiety and paranoia makes me snap and be a bit short and make mark feel a bit small, wehich the CBT will help with alsothough ill have to wait til dec/jan time (a post i have also written bout), but also cos my love for him distracts me from wanting to go out with other people and work i think... which is not so good and self control is something ill have to learn i know but its going to be so hard.. im going to definately need counselling to just help me balance it all out so i dont feel overwhelmed like i did last year, and so i can vent until i get the cognitive behavioural therapy...
I just feel the pressure to pass more than last year cos i cant mess up, financially i and my parents cannot afford me failing.. people will be disappointed in me, i will to and ill be angry, but i dont have alot of drive and motivation and self discipline which makes me feel pressured cos i dont feel i will do it ok etc... im just unsure, i have gotten back into the routine i had here which is not working (i did in my gap year but only part time at threshers so not really alot), not doing much not going out much, not feeling content and stressed alot...
I hope itll be ok when i go back and my landlord etc is ok.... which i might write another post about at some point cos that is a little worrying the situation i have with that now and any of you who knows anyone who could adivse me on it would be great cos i dont want to be swindled by the person!
anyway, im sorry its such a long post, just been meaning to write abuot it but not had the chance....
Anyone you could help me feel a bit more positive about it and believe in myself, and give advice you would be very much appreciated if you could leave some words, and anyone who leaves anythin, more than welcome too...
Thanks,
Emily X
Power of the mind is incredible, we now think negative by it, we can get out thinking positive too!
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