I am so Confused and Scared

[CJL]

Well as i'm a member of a different kind of forum, I thought this may be a good idea. Sorry that this may be so long, but i'm not sure about much.

A few weeks ago, my fiance and me talked about our relationship. She basically isnt sure that she wants to be with me of not. We've lost a special connection, and we have talked about my behaviour over the last year or so.
I have been in a right state since, feeling absolutely down about myself and life.
Then yesterday, I decided to look at depression. Its effects on a relationship. But this was because of my Fiance, not me, who had suffered about a year ago.
But when I started reading the information, I suddenly realised that I wasnt reading about my fiance, but I was reading about me. Ths totally shook me up, and I just started crying.
I realised that over the last year or so, so many of the symptoms of depression were how I had been feeling and acting. I've had no energy to do anything, I havent been excited, i'm always tired, yet I cant sleep when I am. I dont have major problems falling asleep, but when I wake up, thats it. I cant get back to sleep. The I get tired during the day, but I cant sleep.
I've been really aggitated, cant relax, cant focus on thing.

I'm now so scared that I have ignored other peoples warnings, their advice. I've thought that I was ok.

So many of the things that Kel wasnt happy with started to make sense. I'm a moderator on a weather forum, and spent alot of time on it. But I couldnt work out why. I knew it was to do with my obsetion with snow. But then I realised. My dad had a stroke about 7 years ago. My favourite memory of him was waking me up in the night, by throwing a snowball at me. I adorred that moment. But after his stroke, we lost out closeness. And my memories just kept hurting me, and so I may have just put them out of my mind.

Theres so many things, but with everything else that is going on, i'm now also worried about losing my fiance. Some of the feelings she has, was what I had when she was ill.
But I cant tell her what i'm scared of having, in case she thinks its an excuse.

[trac67]

Hi CJL,
Welcome to the forum, you will get a lot of good advice here. I can relate to what you said about your dad. My dad had a massive stroke 3 years ago, and it affected me a lot, but he is still my dad, he may not be the same dad he was before his stroke, but at least he is still here and i am still able to hug him and tell him i love him.
Try to sit down with your fiance and talk things through, when two people love one another, they can overcome anything and it brings you closer together.
Feel free to Pm me if you ever need a chat.
Take care
Trac xx

its "just a thought"

[CJL]

Thanks Trac67.

With my Fiance, I just dont know if its going to work out. She says she loves me, but isnt sure if shes in love with me anymore. But listening to her, it just made me think what I was doing. But until yesterday, I knew what I was doing, but couldnt think why.
But now i'm so scared that everything has gone wrong, and it has been my fault, and its taken me so long to realise what other people have been telling me.

The thing is, i've now got so many emotions rolling around in my head, so many visions of the past, that things seem to be coming to the surface.

I'm really worried that I may have left it too late.

But my dad is a seperate issue, but I suppose a contribution to the way I have been. We were always very close, but never a family that said 'I love you'. Because he has changed so much mentally, its really hard to be close to him.
I had a vision 10 minutes ago, which, I keep having. When he came home from hospital for the first time, our hosue door is at the bottom of a slopped drive way. So I went to push him, and he just turned round and shouted that he could do it himself. Its just stuck in my head of when he did that.

I probably realise now that I have been depressed, but I cant really diagnose myself. Hopefully, i'll be going to the doctors later.
But I still cant work out the reason why i've been so down.
Is it my past, my dad, former relationships, my fiances depression (thinking I would be fine coping with it). I just dont know really.

[trac67]

CJL,
The depression is more than likely due to a combination of everything that is going on in your life. We sometimes think they we are dealing with everything that is going on in our lives, but really we arent, we are pushing them to the back of our minds, it is easier than confronting them head on. This is ok for a while but in the end they start to fight their way back to the front of our minds, and they cant be ignored anymore. Take each issue one by one, work through it and solve it, in the best way you can. Once you are able to do this then things will become a lot clearer for you. When you go to see your doctor talk everything through with him, he will be able to point you in the best direction for you.
I hope this makes sense as i can waffle on lol
Take care
Trac xx

its "just a thought"

[CJL]

Thanks Trac67.

The rouble is, I dont know if what I'm thinking i've got is all in my head. I've looked up depression, and done the gold* something test. Before everything happened with me and my fiance, the test shows that I was nearly severly depressed. But with everything going on now, its saying that I am defo severely depressed.
But I dont want to be, and I dont know really why I was.
Its all very confusing at the moment.

[Meg]

CJL

Now you think it is depression a trip to the doctors may recommend some antidepressants - they can be short term life savers by altering your mood within 4-6 weeks.

They do not solve your problems but can get you into a better frame of mind to take each issue as Tracey says and deal with it.

Along with that, if you are confused it would be well worth seeing a counsellor who can help you make some sense of what is going on within you and guide you to how you can understand these better.

*So I went to push him, and he just turned round and shouted that he could do it himself. * Are you seeing this as an upsetting vision ?

With Kel, if she has been through depression herself , she will surely have understanding and compassion for where you are right now and remember how you supported her last year.


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[CJL]

Thank you Meg.

If I have depression, I would rather see a councillor rather than go on anti-depressents. But if I have depression, i'm sure a doc will only put me on something if they feel its required.
Things just arent that good between me and the F at the moment. So i'm scared that she not only cant support me, but wont.
I'm also a bit worried about work now. I've been under so much pressure recently, or even the last 2-3 years, that I dont want to let people down.
I have got an appoint' in about an hour and a half to see the doc, but scared of what to expect.
I remember when Kel went, it took about 4-6 weeks to get an initial appointment with a councillor.

I just hope that all of this is going to make sense to everybody I know.

[clickaway]

Hi CJL,

I'm glad you have come on here, and also that you are making that trip to see the GP.

I can relate to much of what you say. I know its hard, but try to be positive and smell the sweet air outside.

Let us know how you got on at the docs.

Ray

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[CJL]

Thanks Clickaway.

Well i've just got back from my GP, and he has said I've got mild depression. But it does seem to be with undealt issues of my past. Other people, me as well.
I do feel like a failure though. I didnt want to go through this. I didnt want to be like this. I always thought I would be strong enough to cope.
But I think this has been eating away at me for some time now. Its really effected my life, my relationships and my work.

I suppose I should see how I get on. I'm back again at the docs next week, but I really feel like I need to see a councillor. I have all these sad images and stages in my life that keep appearing in my head. But they start to get mixed up with other ones, and eventually its all like a brown mess.
Its really confusing me.

[Meg]

**I do feel like a failure though. I didnt want to go through this. I didnt want to be like this. I always thought I would be strong enough to cope. **

This has nothing to do with strength at all CJL

It has to do with learning to process and deal with stuff, which we are not taught or encouraged to do in the 21st c .

It may actually be that your real strength is your adversary here, as you have coped well with lots of issues possibly by not dealing with them and hoarding them and now your body has decided that it needs a clear out.

Pint pot too full syndrome and that has nothing at all to do with strength, more like capacity. If is has been hoarding negative images and replaying them, then its only realistic that it will come out as sadness.

See it as a necessary sorting out exercise and yes do find yourself a counsellor. It may help to start writing a semi journal/ thoughts book meanwhile so you can see what topics keep arising that you need to dedicate some time to.

Look after yourself well these next few weeks.

The depression is just a passing phase.







Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?