Anxiety since I can remember.

[mum2four]

I have dealt with anxiety since I i can remember I'm doing well at the moment but it get worse when life get's busy or have to deal with to many people.

I have been treated for depression twice and people all imedatly said "kids do that to you dont thay" but it was adult's that caused my anxiety to get so bad that i felt like hurting my self just to stop me from feeling the way I was felt.

There are so many thing's that cause me to get all sort of feeling from feeling like i have the shake's, or heart palpatation's, feeling like I have to get away from what where eva I am at the time I start to feel anxious, to deal with the feeling i get i click pen's, tap thing's, swing thing's, rock, at the age of 16 I started cutting my arm's and i didn'y stop un till I was 25y and even today I still get the erge to cut to release my feeling that I can feel building up to point of wanting to run as fast as I can as far as I can. When I do get to the point of needing to run and take off on people I cant tell people I have to leave I just wait till I see a good moment to leave with out causing to much attention to focus on me then I run out till thay cant see me or catch me any more then I keep walking as fast I can till I cant walk that fast anymore then my mind is racing at this point thinking about how people will react once I see them again and if I ran from people that are part of my daily life then it even worse i can stop thinking about how much thay'll worry where I've gone anf why I've gone ect and I. I cant stop walking till the feeling are gone or thay'll just get to bad to deal with.

I walk looking at the ground so that people dont say hello to me but I'm fine when I have at least one of my kids with me but by my self I find it very hard to think about interacting with people in public. At home I find it hard to convince my self to ring up company's to arange payment of bill or change information unless I have more pressing reason like threat of disconection. I have gotten better at this after nearly having to declare bankruptsy and finaly telling me self enought that I have to right to arange payment schedule for bill that aren't going to interrupt daily life if disconected. I still find it hard to ring a company to inform them that i cant pay till ????? date. I wait till I get the get reminder to tell them That I'm paying on certain date. That is just one of the way that my anxiety interrupt's my life.

I hate being home alone or home with mo adult company after my kids are in bed. I leave light's on an TV's on and Radio's and if I fall asleep (which take more time when I'm home by my self than when I'm not) then I have to sleep across the bed so that I wake up when my partner get's home from where eva he was that nigh or i just sleep on his side of the bed. Window have to be covered after dark or I get anxious and if for what eva reason thay aren't covered then i avoid that room till someone cover's the window or till i convince my self that I'm being silly and can bring my self to cover the window but the whole time I'm covering it I'm can feel the feeling coming back to me. I cant go out side after dark by my self because when I turn around to come back in I'm get thought of someone grabing me (or just surprising me some how) which i know would be highly unlikly for many reason like because I just checked 2 sec's before I turn my back. The feeling dont subside till the door is closed and locked and even then I still get silly though's of someone bracking in or did lock the back door and are the window's looked which I would check a 100 time if I wasn't to scared to even leave the room i have made feel safe to stay put in.

There a 1000 thing set the feeling in going and if i cant convince my self that i'm being silly for ever reason but if i cant a logical reason to convince my self to stay calm and deal with the situation then the feeling's start then i might start to tap and if some one seem anoyed or tells me to stop I panic more then the feelings get worse then I try to find a better way to not

[tracyp584]

Hey mum2four,

A big welcome to the site, you will find lots of good advice and support here.

Take care,

tracy x x

[Elaine1]

Hi Mum2four

A huge welcome to the site, you will find lots of help and support here. I have found that people really do care and truely want to help.

Sounds like you have been having a difficult time for quite a while.

Do you have a good gp that you feel you could talk to or perhaps the possibility of being referred on to someone else? I'm not sure how the system works in Australia.

Also 4 children - what are their ages, are they old enough to help with some of the simple household things?

Just a couple of thoughts to be going on with!

Take Care

Elaine

[Meg]

Hi Mum2four

Pumping extra adrenaline gives us that urge to run and run.

Its good to hear that you now run rather than cut..

Have you had any help with you social phobias at all ?

It would be beneficial to do regular exercise so you can keep mopping up those extra buzzes of adrenaline. You could get an old exercise bike or similar and practice retreating to use that when you feel the need.

If you were to put yourself in a series of stressful situations and resolved not to run just when you usually would but hold out in the situation a few more minutes and extend that each time you would find that it would eventually subside.

The use of calming mantras amd positiove statements would help too.



Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[mum2four]

My kids are b-10y, g-8y, g-6, b-1y.

I can see the GP that treated me for depression but every time i have finaly gone to she him he never been in and then it take me a month to make my self go back again. i never told him that use to cut and I never told him that i rock or anything. I know i should but i feel so silly about then i smile and then i feel that he wont take me serious ot will take me too serious that i'll be committed or something. logicly i know better but I cant stop the thinking process form getting me to the point of needing to run.

i have had one to talk to about my issuse's every one i know just tell's to get over it a deal with. Even when my anxiety got so bad that i start turing Tv's and radio's off when i heard the new's i could handle hear anything about the world.


thanks for your message's

[Karen]

Hi mum2four

Welcome to the forum. I too have social phobia and recognise a lot of what you've mentioned as things I do too, like avoiding making those phone call until absolutely necessary and walking looking down at the pavement.

Could you arrange an appointment with your doctor and specify that he is the one you see? The smiling when feeling anxious or awkward is just a nervous reaction and I am sure your doctor will be used to this. He is not going to 'commit' you for experiencing anxiety and depression.

Some solution focused type therapy could help you with this social phobia. You could also start taking tiny steps yourself and aim to say "Hello" to one person you don't know every day. My therapist has me doing this. At first I used to get to the state of panic at the mere thought of doing it and always backed out at the last minute. However, once you start it does get a little easier.

I was also doing some phone practise which helped me feel a little more comfortable using the phone. I am much better at answering it now - unless I am trying to deliberately avoid someone (but that's another story!). I do still struggle with making calls though and this seems to be more of a challenge to tackle.

With help and support you can start moving forward.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[mum2four]

Yer the clinic that my dr is at is a walk in clinic which dose help but i have never been able to bring my self to ask what day's he on and have a bad memory as well dosn't help. I also have bad hand writing so i refuse to write in public unless i realy have to and i'm also a slow reader(party cause i'm to worried about other people) so I aviod reading in pubic and that include all noticable reading(so I wont stop to read sign on walls or door ect). Even stopping to picking brocher's is hard to do. When I finaly do one of these thing's 9 time's out of 10 of fine but it's that one time that might cause an embaring need to excape or tap or figet ect which in turn cause's agitation for most of the day and palpatation for up to 30 min's and the need to hide at home for days till i'm ready to deal with next anxiety out burst. I feel like I am cheating my kids out of a happy mum if I put my self in situation that might cause a bad reaction at the same time I feel like I'm cheating them out I sane life If I dont get help for issues. At the same time I'm fighting with self about which option is better and causing anxiety to build which cause's the reaction to far more likly. there are a 1000 differnt things that go threw my head but thay are the biggest issues.

I fear becoming my mum who is adicted to meds and sees dr up to 4 day a week. I also hate not havoing control wich is yet another catch 22 cause going on med is losing control and liveing with idea that anxiety could strike any time is not having control either.
I live a life of catch 22's which make me angry and anoyed which I then try to ignore untill i can no longer ignore them. I feel like need someone beside me to stop me from walking out before I see the Dr. But at the same time I feel lik that would get more attenstion than I want and would cause the person to think I was making things up and there fore thay would think I was just looking attenstion. When I went on anti depresant everyone had told "get help" then when I did Thay all said" get off the med's and get over it" I could go on for foreva but I will stop before
I cause a bad thought patern.

i need to say to my self" just do it and get it over with" but the other problem I face is knowing that asking for help mean taking the help and I dont know if I can handle being refured to a different dr for treatment I tryed a therapist once before but stop going causing I couldn't handle the 3 stricks your out rule(miss 3 oppointment).I also was not ready to deal with the topic that seem to be coming up in conversations. I think I can handling talking to people online but truthfully nthats not solveing the problem. I need to stop it midnight in oz and I have a grumpy bub and if dont stop I wont stop if that makes sence, lol.

[Karen]

Hi Mum2four

I can understand it being difficult to ask what day your doctor is available at the clinic. Could your husband, or a friend, maybe ring for you and ask which days your doctor is there. They could then write this information down for you so you don't forget. I also have a terrible memory at the moment and find myself having to write things down. I think it is very common with depression and anxiety problems.

The problem with writing in public can be another part of social phobia. I prefer writing to talking, but if I feel someone is watching me I also experience anxiety when writing and my handwriting becomes illegible.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">When I finaly do one of these thing's 9 time's out of 10 of fine but it's that one time that might cause an embaring need to excape or tap or figet ect</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

I think any of us that experience anxiety can relate to that. Often the thought of doing something is actually worse than the act itself. I'm procrastinating right now about needing to ring round some estate agents as I am moving, but because speaking is anxiety-provoking I keep putting it off for fear of saying something stupid and making an idiot of myself.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I feel like need someone beside me to stop me from walking out before I see the Dr. But at the same time I feel lik that would get more attenstion than I want and would cause the person to think I was making things up and there fore thay would think I was just looking attenstion.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Taking someone with you could be a good idea. When I first went to see my doctor for help, I took my friend with me. I also typed out a letter which explained how I have been feeling and more about my various issues. This could be something else you could do which might make the appointment a little easier for you. Your doctor will be used to people feeling nervous about seeing him, so you don't need to feel embarrassed about that.

I also understand your concerned about being referred to see a therapist. This is a big step but it is one which could really help you start to make some headway with some of these issues. For the moment, I think it would be more helpful to concentrate on getting to see your doctor and then we can deal everything else after that. Again, a therapist will be used to people being anxious and will do their best to put you at ease.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[mum2four]

I dont really have any friend's that I can deal with right now. I'm just getting the friindship with my long friend of 20 years but she has social phobia and our my anxiety isssue's were part of the reason we had out 3 fight in 17 year but we didn't speack for almost 3y cause she come term's with the silly argument's wer had while I was dealing with depression at the time. So asking her would be like asking her relive the bad stuff al over again. My partner work full time which often give's me pleaty of exccuse to as to why I cant see the dr cause I have my kids to loo after. I am sick of the way that so many thing's interfear with my final decission to talk the dr I went in to see the dr with letter in hand about every thing I cold think of that I want to talk about but my draway that day and since that day I haven't I'v miss placed the letter I wrote and I'v been focusing on dealing with my son asperger. While also dealing with 6y old daughter who I highly beleive to have anxiety issues if not sensory one or both. I Asked for a pedi refural for my girls but do you think I could tell the dr the full reason for asking for it instead I prooberly up looking like a mother who needs something to excuse her kids behaviour when I really looking for answers as to why so I con deal with each child in the right way for them. I realy think my 6y is a time bomb waiting to happen just I was a child no one know when where why I act the way I did and I didn't understand either. It was not untill I was treated for depression the frist time at about age 20 that I realise the racing thought threw my head were not normal after being on antidepresant for 3mth were almost gone but that did not solve my problems. For years I struggled with the silence in my head I could remember to do things like paying bills as I started to think more in was often out loud cause I didn't want to the thought to take control again but then I lost what fue frinds I had cause I was no longer planing every conversation 1000 times before I spock I often put my foot in it with people. Now that I am trying make sure that dont put my foot it in the anxiety is coming back. some day I have turn up the music real loud and sing to ignore the thought that will cause the anxiety to cause me to rock or the erg to cut has also come back recently but i often take a hot shower to deal with that. I couldn't deal with the noise in the kitchen from my kids cause I was dealing with my inner noise as well as dealing with my partner who cooking because I was having a bad night. I was trying to cope but instead the only way I could do that was curl up in a corner when thing got bad that I felt like screaming then I was curled up on the floor rocking and that always bugs my partner cause he know's what that means. That made feel worse knowing I was causing my partner to worry about me and focus on me. when I'm like that I feel like running my self into or up the wall I have often had thought like if I could just run up the wall I will use a lot of energy and feel better and other time I feel like runing into the wall to stop my self from hurt inside and make there hurting more real and visable. I somtimes bang my head when I get the thought of running in to a wall. I also get thoughts rare and I dont acted on the thoughts but sometimes I get a flash images of hurting my people by accident things like getting angry and running out of the house and knocking one of the kids over. I get images and thoughts of getting so angry and hitting someone and getting arrested(my greatest fear of all time). That fear has a moslty positve effect on my life except when think to much. It a fear that when keeped in cheack means I live a good life but when out of control I find it hard to deal with a person who has done anything remotly illigal and the thoughts of being friends with a person like that can start to dominate my daily thinking. I have cut off friendships with people at times due to not being able to control my feeling about choice thay made that were remotly illegal. I aviod people i