I've suffered from panic attacks for over 15 years now. You know, the usual symptoms...palpitations, shortness of breath, feeling flushed, hot sweats, loss of appetite, floating sensations, dry throat…etc. that we all get.
Physically,
…I suffer from really really chronic diahorrea during panic attacks.
…I used to throw up at the thought of things (going out, meeting people…etc.). Now I just get nauseous and have to clear my throat constantly.
…I’m aware of tingles in my body like I’ve never noticed them before.
…my genitals shrivel up so tightly to my body it’s unbelievable (on reading up about my condition I’ve read all my other symptoms apart from this one).
…I sigh constantly.
…I’m exhausted as opposed to sleepless. I have no trouble sleeping whatsoever (in fact I look forward to it all day as I’m safe in bed).
…I feel as though my eyes are fit to burst with tears but I never can. Despite all the feelings of utter despair I’ve only cried ‘almost properly’ two times in ten years…
And mentally…
…I’m scared of certain social situations. Crowds of people (but also frightened of being alone, even at home!), not being with my wife, being away from home,…etc.
…I get totally disorientated. The most familiar places suddenly seem like I’ve never been there before.
…no interest in sex. When it first happened it was the close contact with someone that used to make me feel claustrophobic (I used to have to pull away, even from a hug!).
…I get fascinated with everyone I see (from people on the train to famous people on TV) and wonder how do they cope and worry about their lives?
…I constantly think of the past with sadness (from a conversation I had at school to a path I used to cycle on as a kid).
…but the worse thing is; I develop a death fixation, constantly pondering my own (my funeral, who’ll miss me or not) and become anxious about stories of people dying and/or committing suicide. I don’t think I will but I really, really worry I’m just one stage away from a monster inside of me taking over my mind and making me kill myself.
I can only guess at possibilities for the cause of my anxiety. Things like…
…Stress at work (I'm quite a senior board member of a very large company)?
…very low self esteem and lack of confidence?
…I did a few street drugs at the end of the 80's (who didn't?). E’s, coke, speed and a few trips. A lot of dope at one stage.
…past traumas (my Dad’s died when I was young or, the only time I ever felt depressed before…nearly 25 years ago when a girlfriend left me).
...or could it be hereditary? My sister and my nephew both suffer from depression and are on medication.
Regarding solutions there are many things I’ve tried. Such as…
…medication; From beta-blockers to the various doses of ciprimal and Citopralm.
…diet. Levelled out sugar levels and reduced virtually all processed foods.
…reducing caffeine. I haven’t had a single caffeinated drink for over four years.
…reducing alcohol. Even being teetotal for two 6 month stretches (difficult as a drink reduces the panic in social situations)
…giving up smoking. Haven’t smoked a cigarette for nine years.
…stopped doing drugs the moment this started. Haven’t done any drugs for 10 years.
…had therapy. Firstly at my previous surgery, secondly I went private in London, thirdly a local councillor in Leighton Buzzard, and lastly at Bassett Road…
...gone to many many doctors, both NHS and private.
…attended group therapy. Though they were more de-stress sessions.
…had a course of acupuncture about 8 years ago.
…took a course of prescribed Chinese herb medicines.
…attended a very expensive hypnotist’s course.
…tried yoga and meditation (although not properly).
…read more books and websites on my condition than I care to remember.
I guess I’m begging for help here from anyone who's ever had any any success against the panic attacks (though, to be honest, I'd live with them forever if it meant I would never be depressed after them!). I promise I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I just feel so awful and it seems difficult to be taken seriously.
My wife, who’s been a saint through this nightmare, is close to having enough. After all, my illness ruins every holiday or trip away we have as well as stopping us socialising.
I can’t believe this illness has been with me for over a decade and a half now and it’s stopped me doing so many things in that time. So I want to beat this thing once and for all.
I’ve recently enquired about Neuro Linguistic Programming and ‘The Linden Method’ (a ‘clinic’ in Gloucestershire) and The Self Help Clinic. Does anyone know bout this? It seems very 'American' in the way it's selling itself on their website.
If you're still reading this, thank you. And if you know of any way I can help beat this thing it'd be the best thing ever to happen to me.
dav1d.
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