Motivational Thread - i hope ;)

[cathytink3rb3ll]

Hi All,

I thought I would start a kind of day to day bloggy thready type thing. This is to try and motivate myself and hopefully motivate anyone else out there that has the same kinda thing - as I am going out of my mind at the moment!

Right, The deal here is that I have suffered with anxeity/depression/panic attacks for just over 3 years and have come to a real big setback lately - where I cant go to work and even going anywhere on my own seems too much as I seem to be having panic attacks in even my "safe" places (like the car/my house etc)

I've never been on medication as I really do feel I have the drive to do it without - and I want to show it is possible! However last week when I felt like the world was going to end (literally) I got some meds from the docs and they made me feel so much worse I couldnt stick them out.

So here I am - Cold Turkey - With amasing support from my boyfriend (which I couldnt do without) and so much motivation from another NMP member (you know who you are!).

I know this is going to be a rough road but I want to get out of this hole and prove to myself and hopefully motivate others to do the same - that this can be done! I am going to practice some things out of a book by Clare Weekes I am reading to see if these will help - and will update you with my progress on the way...

I hope you find this interesting and even a wee bit helpful

[cathytink3rb3ll]

Day 1:

Ok - Day 1 hasnt gone to the best start to be honest.
Yesterday was a good day - Yes I did stay at home but I did tonnes of housework, gardening and even went out for a (stressful) but ok drive. I didnt get to where I was actually going but I did go for a drive none the less - which is what i need to keep focussing on really.

But as for today - I dont know whats happening. Im in the house alone 2day as my BF went to work early - then I got up, had a cuppa, brekkie - the usual.
Then as soon as I started having a shower and getting ready I just burst into tears! So decided to go to my mums for company - and the drive (only ten mins) was hellish! I ended up getting here in a right state and not exactly my positive start I wanted.

I'm also worried im driving my BF insane as hes really stressed at work lately and hes just got a bit angry to me for texting him a load of stuff. Which you dont really wanna hear when your having the day from hell at work!

Now I dont wanna go back to my job as that was the trigger for my downfall, but I cant afford not to work as I would have to move back home and away from my BF which I dont wanna do as he is usually great support! Just not sure what to do now.... Im trying to stay positive and want to make the change now - but nothing is seeming to work - ahhhh!!!!!!

Right - now my rant is over I will get on with it... Hopefully Day 2's part of this thread will be more positive

[june]

I realy like your idea of being so positive From an outsiders point may be you should make lists or rotas to organise your day (1 day at a time) but prioritise and only make sure the imortant jobs are done first - then there should be NO guilt over what you have left for another day.
Texting BF mmmmm??? maybe read the text twice and only send if it realy matters - no matter how much they love us they can get a bit fed up
Keep positive your ""bloggy thready thing"" sounds good
Best wishes
June

[skyblue]

Hi Cathy

well done on your blog,its good to write these thngs down,and share them with us.
I recognise all you are saying,iv suffered from all the above for many years and it has come in different strengths.

I have been off work now for about 6 weeks and im due back tomorrow,bit scared, as i to can only go out on good days,and i some times arrive at destination then turn round and go home Grrrrrr.

I am only doing 2 hours a day for this week see how i get on,as i to can not afford not to work,then the guilt sets in,which start the anx drives you mad.

sometimes it just feels that you go round in a hamster wheel lol.........
are you taking any meds,im not as i have a med phobia!!!!! just collect prescriptions all pinned on notice board lol.

think you sound really positive and its a long slow road,but ill join you on it

Take care
Love sky xx

[cathytink3rb3ll]

June - Thanks for the kind words

and SkyBlue - No im not taking meds - I tried like one and it didnt go down very well so Im trying to do it on my own - I know it can be done and I want to prove it can

[cathytink3rb3ll]

Day 2:

Ok im in the middle of day 2 so I thought I better say how im getting on so far.
As I am still not up for driving I decided to get up bright and early at 7 to grab a lift with my BF to my mums as he drives past it on the way to work. Thought this would be good rather than being on my own whilst im trying to "get back with it". I dont like the thought of having a "minder" and I know I cant rely on it long term but maybe it will make me happy enough to be able to turn my life around short term!

It hasnt been a very productive day - the weather has been crap so me and mum ended up staying in, and all I have done is chill, watch a bit of TV and been on my laptop. But I havnt really felt that anxious and I havnt had a panic attack so far but I havnt been anywhere to have one- However Im kinda sat here feeling not that much emotion - I havnt cried - So im taking that as a positive step but i dont really feel happy! Just kinda like when you wake up 1st thing and are sleepy and stuff. But again staying on my positive note: this is better than being upset!

I hope im not droning on too much - and this is helpful to some - as Im trying to stay positive and uplifted and maybe when I get better (cuz it will happen) it may motivate some others!

Anyways im waiting for my BF to pick me up in a sec and im going back home where I will be alone for around 3 hours so we will see how that goes.

The momentum im taking out of my Claire Weeks Book today (self help for your nerves) is:

"There must be no self-pity. And this means NO self-pity. There must be no dramatisation of self in this 'terrible state'. No thinking of how little the family understands, how little they realise this ghastly suffering is. Self-pity wastes strength and time and frightens away those who would otherwise help you. If you are honest with yourself you would admit that some of your self-pity is pride: pride that you have withstood so much for so long."

[cathytink3rb3ll]

Day 3 & 4:

Thought I would club these two days together as I kind of forgot yesterday hehe!!!

Yesterday Again I went to my mums in the morning and chilled out there for a bit. And actually went out of the house!!! It was only about over an hour or so and it was only to other family members houses - but I got out and I didnt feel too bad!

Ive also started job hunting as at the moment I have a full time job and a part time job (the full time is the one thats I cant go back to) So im thinking of getting another part time one and packing the full time one in.... So having 2 part times to balance (if that makes sense)

Anyways my otherhalfs Dad came over for dinner last night - so I had to at least act normal - and it turned out that he came at 7pm and didnt leave till 12 - so I must of been ok company

I have been sleeping really well lately - until it came to last night. I think its because I knew I would have to go out to public place to the doctors to get a sick note - and I know my doctor is always reluctant to do this!

I was psycing myself out to go by myself (its only a 5 min walk) and then my BF came home from work porely - and by the time the docs appt came around he decided to walk down with me, and came in with me for support!

The doc reluctantly gave me a note for 7 days (so i dont think i will get one for next week) So positivly at least I have 7 days to chill - but i will be job hunting like mad as I know going back to my office will not help me health wise at all!!! And I need to come 1st for once! So not sure what to do when it comes to the end of the week (next wed) ANY IDEAS????

Also more positive stuff - I walked to the docs today and actually walked down to the local park and even walked through it! not bad for a person that hasnt been out in few weeks

Came back to mums for tea - so have decided I need to actually drive back to get home - Which is a bit of a risky business at the mo as I keep having attacks in the car. But still on my positive vibe from earlier so I will let you know how that goes!


xxx