Agoraphobia & Funeral

[Dizzy-Dave]

My nan has lived with us (family) for over 2 years now.
She has cancer and is taking her last breaths today.

It's a very hard situartion as you can imagine. Not only because my mum is in pieces, but also because i've started a course of prozac and have only just started to see the side effects lessen.

I'm going to be strong for my mum and help her through this but something is bothering me and my poor grandma hasn't even passed yet.

I was doing quite well with getting out of the house until i started taking the prozac. I feel house bound again.

My question is, have any of you ever missed a funereal because of agoraphobia ? How was the guilt ? Did your family understand ?

I do want to try and attend and the church is not that far but if i freeze up, i don't want everyone to be disappointed in me. If i cant go then I will say goodbye to my nan when i can get out.

I hope this makes sense.

[mick_uk]

Hiya dave,
I have missed a funeral of an uncle because of my agoraphobia.
Wasn't an easy time for me and I felt so guilty even though he wasn't a close uncle.
I know there were a couple of relatives there that felt I had let the family down but the others who knew me more were very sympathetic and understanding.
I did feel really guilty for a while but then I snapped out of it and looked at it rationally. I did my best to get there and couldn't. That was that. I did all I could at the time. That's all you can do mate. Do your best.
Try and get there,but don't make yourself worse and don't feel bad if you can't.
I hope all goes well mate.

Mick

[andie73]

Hi

I missed my grandma's funeral, not exactly for agrophobia but it was because of anxiety and panic. I felt terrible about it. I ended up sitting in her garden which she loved with my husband. We just sat there on the garden bench in silence remembering her in our own way. It wasn't a public display, but then grief and rememberance doesn't have to be. You can do something in your own way.

I'm sure your nan understands your situation and will want you to do what is right for you too. I know others may judge but they are not you, and you have your own relationship with your nan that they are not part of. In that respect only you alone can chose how to mark the occasion.

I do have times when I feel guilty about the fact I wasn't there but i did what felt right at the time and I know she would have understood. If you feel you need to go for you, then give it your best shot, but otherwise do what you feel you can handle and if others don't understand that's there problem not yours.

Let us know how you get on and don't torture yourself over it. Your time with your nan will always be in your heart, going to a funeral or not going doesn't change what you shared in life.

Take care

[Worrier]

Dizzy-Dave,

Hey I think you should do whatever is best for you at the time. Just because you don't attend a funeral doesn't mean you don't care.

I used to feel guilty for not being able to go to my Nana's grave, but I forgave myself and think of her very often and I have decided that that is okay for me.

Give yourself a break. Be there for your mum through this difficult time but also take care of you. Do your grieving in your own way and that is good enough.

Take care
Natalie x

[Dizzy-Dave]

Thank you so much for the replys x

She's still with us but it's so hard.

Being at home means she's not alone but at the same time I feel this abit too much for me. She's unconscious but just now started to make noises of distress.

I'll say no more for now but thanks for your advice and storys.

[kazzie]

Hi Dave

Im sure no one would hold it against You if You dident attend the funeral.

You could maybe explain problem to your GP who may be able to give you something just to help on the day

I work as an undertaker and people for various reasons sometimes are unable to attend funerals......perhaps you could write a tribute to your Nan and someone could read it at the service.....or light a candle at home whilst the service is taking place and have your own quiet memories

Hope this helps a little

Kaz

[Panikki]

Hi Dave ,
Sorry to hear about your nan. I have episodes of agraphobia and definately dont do large gatherings..due to bad panic attacks.
My dad died in november 08 and we buried him in the december...i was terrified of not making it through the service without collapsing or running out! I cant tell you how scared i was of not coping and i had all the stress of making funeral arrangements and phone calls etc..There was many people there that i had'nt seen for years and we had arranged an after do in a pub nearby as many had travelled long distance..it was just so much to deal with ..but i took diazepam and somehow got through it all. Have you considered asking your G.P. for diazepam it may help you get through the service at least...Its a real tough call when it comes to things like this...so i really feel for you! Take Care Jodiex

[skylace22]

Dave
I'm sorry to hear about you nan and Im sure it must be very hard for you at the moment. I think the replies posted are really helpful - you dont have to go to the funeral if you dont feel that it is possible - you need to do what is best for you and go with what you can cope with and Im sure your nan would understand.

My grandfather passed away 4 years ago and I was dreading the funeral - I did go because I had progressed a lot with my anxiety at that point but had it happened a couple of years earlier there would have been no way that would have been possible so I do understand.

The diazepam idea is a possibility - I was prescribed some for a dental appointment and it really helped me. Another suggestion would be (if you went) to sit near to an exit so you know there is an escape if you need it.

Ultimately, dont put pressure on yourself with this - do what you are comfortable with and Im sure whatever you decide will be the right choice for you

x

[Dizzy-Dave]

I tend to get alot of side effects with most drugs.

This 'Diazapam'..... What does it feel like ?

Will I be out of it !!??

[andie73]

No you won't feel out of it. You will prob just get a small dose anyway. It just takes the edge of the anxiety and makes you feel calmer. I'm really weird about taking medication of any sort but I have taken these in the past and they are fine. Once you get to the funeral you may not feel you need to take any more, but if you do as long as you stick to the prescibed dose you'll feel ok.

Writing something to be read out is a really good idea from Kazzie. I did this at both my grandma and grandad's funeral then you are really making a contribution to the proceedings but not putting yourself under as much pressure. The other thing is Dave, once you are at a funeral it all kind of goes in a blur, it will be over before you know it and then you can grieve for your nan in your own way.

Take care