A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a
woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".

"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said.
To quiz him on his lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" was the reply.
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you
understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.
He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on
the sin of lying."
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A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies
"I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24."
"What's that?” the man asks.
"It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with
me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to."
The man agrees so they go to the bingo. He wins the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't
such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky
draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.

He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions, a total of £660 in one night. You must
be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's
won the raffle as well!"
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Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures
tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture
and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
-------------------------------------------

"Doctor, you were right when you said you'd have me on my feet and walking in no time."

"That's good John; when did you start walking?"

"When I got your bill doctor, I had to sell my car to pay it."
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A man has been traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to
ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a
beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese
guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't sleep with his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old
man warns him that if he does sleep with his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese
tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.

When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he
has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.

The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese
torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it.
He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign
reading "Second Chinese torture: right nut tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the
window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left
nut tied to bed post."
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The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician's office included
the line item "Behavior modification reinforcers." Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some
unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physicians office to inquire, "What
on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?"
"Lollipops," was the reply.
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At a fabric store, a pretty girl saw some nice material for a dress and asked the male clerk how much
it costs.
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth,
wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing
beside her, and smiled, "My Grandad is paying."
--------------------------------------------

A big group of hunters were out in the forest and decided to split into smaller groups. Four fools decided
to form a group and started walking. After a while, they realized they were quite a way from the main
group, and they couldn't find the way back.
One of the them said to the other three: "I've heard that whenever you are lost in the forest, the best
thing to do is to shoot three times into the air and wait for someone to find you"
They shot three times to the air, waited a while, but nothing happened. So they shot three more times,
but again, no one came to help them. After trying three more shots the fool says: "I hope this time
someone can find us... that was my last arrow"
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A fellow walked into a bar he had never been in before and ordered a drink. He then asked the bartender
if he enjoyed dumb-jock jokes. The beefy attendant leaned over the bar and fixed a withering glare on his
customer. "Listen, buddy," he growled. "See those two big guys on the left? They're professional football
players. That huge fellow on your right is a world-class wrestler, and that guy in the corner is a champion
weight-lifter. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your dumb-jock joke here?"
"Nah, I guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it four times."
-------------------------------------

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite teams game. They promised,
whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was
baseball in heaven.
One day, Earl died and Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good
news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven."
Bob said, "That's the best news!"
Then Earl said, "It's time for the bad news....You are pitching tomorrow night."
--------------------------------------------

A little old lady was among a group at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery.
Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth is that?", she inquired of the artist
standing nearby.
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then" snapped the little old lady, "Why isn't it?"
--------------------------------------------

Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk. After about two hours the first
racehorse says "You know, when I was a young racehorse from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90
races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds. I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived."
In response to this and approximately a half an hour later the second racehorse responded, "Oh yeah,
when I was a young racehorse from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds.
I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived."
Now it was about this time that the bartender (a greyhound) decided that they were drunk enough so he
said, "I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing
you out of the bar, but before I do I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one
hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds."
The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse
finally said, "Isn't that amazing (hic), a talking greyhound!"
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