My son has am I gay question

[suzy-sue]

That is good news Esskay .Exams are very stressful and stress is a trigger for anxiety .Your son is fortunate to have such a caring Father .He seems to know what s working for him and Im sure he will tell you if he cant cope with the thoughts anylonger .Hopefully things will go as quick as they have come .I hope you have found this site helpful ,and will continue to use it if things change .My very Best wishes to you both .Sue

[esskay]

Yes. This site gave me & my wife a comfort feel that what our son is going through is not uncommon. Besides that the support groups like this give confidence that there are people out there who understand and lend their supportive hand to the needy.

Thanks again.

Esskay

[bottleblond]

Folks,

I need help to handle this situation.

My son who was a normal boy has all of a sudden developed a fear that he could be gay. In the city they had a gay parade and I think he developed this OCD after that. He is going through depressive cycle quite often. Both my wife and I have been reasoning with him to make him understand that it is just a weird thought and he cannot be a gay overnight. He says he knows that but he cannot help stopping the intrusive thoughts.

I have to be on an international tour soon and I will be away from home for couple of months. Now I am spending lot of time with him giving moral support. I am little bit concerned to leave him alone. After he started developing this problem I had to cut short my international trip to return home. My business is suffering now.

Do you advise me to take him to a psychiatrist? I do not want to make him feel that he is psychologically abnormal by taking him to a psychiatrist too prematurely.

Your advise and help is much appreciated.

Hi there

I hope i can throw a different view on this matter without offending anyone.

You say your son has came to you with gay thoughts. In the same post i also noticed 3 words that makes me feel like, well quite uncomfortable to be honest

Normal
OCD
Psychiatrist

It sounds like to me that comfort, understanding and mostly love are what is needed here. He is not ill and the last thing he needs is to feel that way.

Have you thought of speaking to the gay switchboard? It's an organization that helps men and woman of all ages to talk though any issues they have with homosexuality, whether it be a teenager with gay/lesbian -thoughts/fears to homophobia.

Teenagers have these thoughts are completely normal. It doesn't mean they are gay but even if they are then you know what. They are still 100% 'normal'.

best of luck
Lisa
x

[bottleblond]

Firstly Willy.

I did NOT say OCD wasn't an illness, not once did i say that.
I was talking about the thinking he was gay 'issue'.
You don't have to go to a doctor because you have gay thoughts. I said about the gay switchboard because it is a fantastic advice service that could help him out just by picking up the phone.

[Rain]

Every gay person in the world once had that initial thought of ‘I might be gay’. Few people are aware of their sexuality, straight or gay, until adolescence at the earliest. Many more people don’t realise their sexual identity until their 20’s or later. For a teenager to start thinking they might be gay isn’t a sign of a psychiatric problem. It’s only natural to explore the possibility and to worry unduly whether people will accept you if you are.

It’s a big moment in your life to suddenly find yourself attracted to someone of the same sex because there are still many social taboos. You may find yourself suddenly wondering how you will sit with your peers in the future and how it will affect your life.

I think what Lisa is saying is that to rush off to a psychiatrist is possibly misinterpreting the issue. The fact that he is wondering if he is gay doesn’t mean automatically that he has OCD.

Using the word ‘normal’ for the way he was before implies that he is now abnormal. Such thinking will certainly not help him but instead will pile the pressure on. What is wrong with reassuring him that he is loved and accepted whatever his sexuality?

He needs to be able to rationalise and analyse his situation without those kinds of words being thrown into the equation, because they are not relevant. He will discover eventually who he is.

Not everyone who first thinks ‘I might be gay’ turns out to be gay. But since the thought is there why not go to the appropriate help…as Lisa says, the Gay Switchboard.

[esskay]

WillyB,

I know where you are coming from. As a father of a son who is going through the difficulty I can truly empathize with you. I myself is a very good student of psychology and philosophy. I have been speaking to my son. He has been able to understand his situation and what is causing the problem.

I can summarize the situation as follows:

1. When he was in Grade 11 he was a bubbly boy and very happy with his X-BOX and PC-Games. He is very knowldgeable in advanced physics too.

2. Since he is very ambitious he started demanding too much from himself when Garde 12 activities started. He was also little bit confused between Engineering and Medicine as choice of his career.

3. This led to stress.

4. When you are stressed you become victim of anxiety. This would make you vulnerable for any compulsive thinking.

5. This is where he got caught with "am I Gay" thought.

6. As a first step, I helped him reorganize his objectives.

7. Taught him what is realistic expectations and what is an optimal demand on oneself. This eased his mind and anxiety started getting reduced.

8. I started talking to him that since he was vulnerable to any thought - "am I gay" is one of the millions of possible thoughts. And told him that it is just an event of probability.

9. Now he has become calm and started writing what he has learnt. I will post them in my next post. That might help you too.

Hope you will feel better.

Esskay

[esskay]

WillyB,

Here are the notes from my son's diary. It might look little bit disjointed. Ignore it. He calls them as golden guidelines.

Hope it is going to help. I have also asked him to get off internet. Last thing you need is anlysis that could paralyze you.

Concentrate on what you have to do now.

Esskay

-------------------------------------------------------
GOLDEN GUIDELINES

• Anxiety distorts reality

a.Anxiety distorts reality and leads to further doubts.
b.Don’t take anything seriously when you are anxious and under stress.
c.Eventually reality prevails.
d.Live in the present and let nature take its course of growth.
e.Don’t worry about the past to create problems out of it and don’t be anxious about the future, which is nothing but projection of past.
f.Use past experiences to better your future.

• When mind, body and soul come together nothing is impossible. I can solve any problem.

• All problems are opportunities in disguise and stepping stones to success.

• Forgive yourself for any kind of immediate and/or unnatural reactions to any stimuli which generate negative thoughts and negative feelings.

• Don’t feel frustrated if you feed into negative thoughts.

• Don’t be obsessed with any (bad or good) thoughts.

• Constantly renew the tools to discard ineffective /wrong ones and add right tools that are effective.

• Pseudo-knowledge/science

a.Don’t feed into pseudo knowledge or science which is illogical.
b.Don’t try to solve illogical things with logic.
c.Ignore the thought if it crops up to make it insignificant. And say “SO WHAT” for the counter arguments.
d.Don’t create thoughts to your disadvantage.
e.Don’t analyze thoughts to your disadvantage by splitting hairs.
f.Don’t force thoughts out. Don’t restrict other thoughts to stop irritating thoughts.
g.Instead fill normal activities which produce normal thoughts.

• When negative thoughts come you can choose to think what you want to think rather than succumbing to those negative thoughts.

• Talk to an expert if it bothers.

• Don’t replace any problem by creating another problem.

• No problem is permanent and everything is transient.

• I am the master of my mind; not a victim who fears my own mind.

• Don’t allow discouragement from people who do not mean to help and give unsolicited advice.

• Sublimate negative thoughts through reality or your own choice.

• Do not use your body to express your frustration.

• Be decided. To be undecided is also a decision. Indecision is not equivalent to be undecided.

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[nomorepanic]

Willy - which other OCD site - is it OCD UK?

[suzy-sue]

Just out of interest Willy do you know any GAY people at all ? I think you would be suprised if you spoke to some .Not all gay people are the stereo typical type ,not that there s any thing wrong with that either .They are no different than a heterosexual person but dont feel sexually attracted to the opposite sex . Were you brought up thinking being gay was wrong or have you had a liberal outlook on sexuality ?.Some times the way we have been programmed to think about certain things isnt necessarily what we believe to be right when we reach maturity . I have known a lot of gay people and my younger son is gay .He is no different in my eyes than his older brother who is heterosexual .He has a very good life and has worked hard to get on in his job .He has lots of friends and we are very proud of him .Above all he is happy .So ,what im trying to say is "If you did happen to be gay Its not anything to be ashamed of ,there are a lot worse things that could happen to you .It doesnt change the person you are ...All the best Sue xx

[suzy-sue]

Im so sorry if I have upset you Willy it was not intentional .I took no offence from anything you said ,please believe me . I just thought if you looked at things from a different perspective it might help you rationalise your fears ..Society has never thrown any thing at my son that he cant cope with ,Being gay is more acccepted now ,than it ever was .I do understand about your concerns and if you have always fancied women ,just because you got a feeling once doesnt mean your gay .As you say the fear to you is the same as fearing a family member will die or be a criminal ,Deep down you know your not gay ,,you just need to accept its just these obssesive thoughts. Stop letting them take over your life .& Learn to STOP fearing them ! and they will have nothing to feed off . Anxiety feeds off your fears .. Forgive me for making you feel bad ,I meant no malice .Luv Sue x