Anorexia Crisis

[Karen]

Thanks Nic.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Karen]

Have been up all night again. I just am unable to relax and therefore sleep. Keep thinking that I just want to move from here as quickly as possible now so that they can't find me. But then I still haven't got anywhere to move to and am not going to at this rate.

I have been fantasing about being with K and feeling safe. Just wish real life could be like that.

Maybe I should just use the proceeds from the sale of my house to pay for the treatment. What does it matter if I have nowhere to go to when I get out? At the moment this isn't much like living anyway.

I don't expect anyone can really understand but I would do anything to avoid going into an nhs psychiatric hospital. I am that terrified.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[kate]

Karen,

I can well understand your fears regarding the pshychiatric unit. I think it is the fear of being somewhere where you HAVE to stay, whether you want to or not. It is having the control taken away from you I think, knowing that you have no choice over where you are or what happens.

I know you think that if only you could be with K then everything would be well and you would be safe. I also never feel safe either physically or emotionally and also fantasise about the perfect life I would have if only I could move house, get a better job etc. But the real deal is that even if you were with K and even if I could change things in my life, it doesn't follow that all our problems would vanish and we would be content. Unfortunately, with anxiety and depression, when one obstacle is overcome another one soon comes along to take it's place and we start worrying/ obsessing about that instead.

You do know that you need somewhere to live once your house sale has been completed. But, also don't forget that you have the final say on when completion day is, so there is no need to feel pressured into finding somewhere else to live. The new place has to feel right for you, no use just choosing the first place that comes along so as to please your buyer. They will have to wait until you are happy with the new property that you choose, however long that may take.

Kate x

[Hannahlou84]

Karen,

Sorry to hear you are still struggling with the letter issue, just try not to panic about it, and try and discuss it all rationally with your doctor on Monday.

You may have had something with your idea about using the proceeds from your house sale to help you out. Perhaps you could keep enough aside to be able to rent when you come back out? Maybe even see if that increases your chances of PCT funding too, if you were to part fund it?

Do you know if they do reduced rates for people who are struggling financially at all? Might be worth a look at that route if none of the alternatives are viable?

"Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be, Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me"

[Karen]

Thanks for the replies.

Kate: I do know being with K wouldn't make all my other issues go away but I still believe if she loved and cared for me then I would at least feel safe and not be alone. I would have someone to care about me. She is the only person I believe could ever do this.

Hannah: I don't know about the funding. My therapist originally said private inpatient treatment would cost thousands.


I am feeling worse this morning because having heard from K she thinks I am being stupid. It is the first time she has said that about anything I have said to her, but that's what she said when I told her I feel like running away.

Now I also think she doesn't like me at all and maybe even hates me. She probably does believe I am stalking her now because I said I want to run to her and she told me I can't do that. She is rejecting me too and I can't handle it. I believed and still need to believe that she is there and will always be there. I need to know she would welcome me and look after me.

I know I am pathetic. I am an adult and should look after myself but I don't have anyone and now I feel more alone than ever. Whatever happens I am not going into hospital. I cannot let them put me there and I don't think anyone, not even K, is going to help me or save me now.

I don't know what to do and am running out of options. I just wish I wasn't here. I don't want to be me. I wish I could just disappear, or even better that I had never been born in the first place - just like dad is always saying I was a mistake.

Am drowing and have no one to hold onto who loves me enough to keep me here. Why am I so bad that K doesn't love me?

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[tammyg]

Oh Karen, I don't know what to say. It makes me so sad that you feel this way. You are going through a really bad time right now but you have been there before and come through. You can do it.

Try not to worry about what will happen, worrying changes nothing as my Nan used to say!

I know it's hard and I know nothing anyone can say will change the way you feel but just know we are here for you.

Tammy x

[Karen]

Thanks for thinking of me Tammy.

Wish I could switch off enough to sleep. I'm exhausted but keep jumping.

Feel terrible about K. She must think I'm the worst person in the world because I want so much from her.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[LisaS]

Karen,

you are doing the real deal anticipatory anxiety over something where you dont know whats going to happen. You dont know what your GP will say or do, so like tammy said, there is no use in worrying about it until you go there and no the answers - dont keep making up your own.

as Meg pointed out, there may well be a valid reason why she has referred you to the CMHT - which will be revealed on Monday.. Just wait and see.. no one is taking you anywhere.

As for K - well what can I say.. as soon as you say, she hates me, just think about that. You know, I know, everyone knows that this isn't true.. she cares about you such a lot and her best interests are making sure you are safe. Just because she cannot give you what you want, it doesnt' mean she doesn't care about you.

Just try to relax - nothing will happen until Monday when you see your GP anyway, so try not to waste the weekend worrying.. (i know that is far easier said than done - but try!)

is there something you can do this weekend to get out the house?

take care honey,
Lisa
xxx

"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"

[Karen]

Hi Lisa

Thanks for your reply. I am sure my doctor had her reasons for referring me back to the CMHT but I am also sure these reasons are not to do with the funding issue and much more likely to be because she now thinks I am getting worse and need to see the psychiatrist again.

It is the psychiatrist and the CMHT I am terrified of and now feel betrayed by my doctor and unable to trust her because she has sent me back there when I specifically said I didn't want their involvement. How can I admit the truth to her in future now? It was better when I was covering everything up and then she left me alone.

There is no way I am going back to see the psychiatrist again, or anyone from the CMHT. They want me to break contact with K, and they want me in hospital. I cannot do either of these things and I have to avoid seeing them whatever it takes.

I know K cares about me but I have messed things up as usual. I want too much from her and now she probably thinks I am harassing her and stalking her. I need her so much and she is the only person I can go to and feel safe.

I realise I am being totally unreasonable and shouldn't want or need her help so much. If I have ruined things it is my fault. Why would she want to see me in person? Why would she want me there? I don't deserve to have her care about me at all anyway. I just feel hurt and rejected by something she said. I know I am worthless and unlovable though so really it is not surprising.

But I still cannot live my life if she isn't a part of it. I still need to be with her and now I feel I have nothing and no one.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[alexis]

Hi Karen just to say still reading and think about you often, take care, would be nice if I was able to meet you at the conference,

love from Alexisxxxx