Anorexia Crisis

[Karen]

Thanks Alexis. It would be lovely to meet you too. I still hope to go to the conference but things are all a bit up in the air for me at the moment.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[clickaway]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I know I am worthless and unlovable though so really it is not surprising. </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Remember all those positive qualities we all gave you a few weeks back? I think we suggested that you were to write them down and pin them up in your kitchen?

It came over loud and clear that you were worth it and loveable. This worry over the GP and other medics has just got you in an incredible spin full of irrational thoughts.

And K has not said she hates you or anything like that. You have said that, and are remembering your own negative thoughts rather than what she really said.

K is here for you, and so are we. You have loads of people rooting for you - please remember that.

Take Care,


Ray

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[Lottie32]

Oh Karen

Why is K so special? What does she do that nobody else can? She is a source of support, comfort, help and advice. You trust her, and feel comfortable with her.

Why could you not get that with a therapist????? I have had a very positive experience with my CMHT, and have been very lucky to have a therapist who is a source of comfort, help, support and advice. I trust her and feel comfortable with her.

You do not have to settle with the first therapist that comes along. If you cannot relate to one, you can be asked to be transfered to another.

It takes time to develop a bond with somebody. At the minute you are denying yourself a chance at recovery by having decided already that you cannot accept any of the help that may be on offer.

I fully understand that you do not wish to be sectioned or hospitalised, and I think we can all sympathise with you on that score. If you really don't want to go, then maybe you need to evaluate your actions out of hospital. If the people who are trying to help you can see that you are not helping yourself by being in what you perceive to be the best place for you, then they are obviously going to want to move you somewhere more suitable. It is almost a case of saving you from yourself. I know that what you are going through is terribly difficult. Although I haven't suffered in anything like the way you have, I have an idea of what you are going through. At one point in my life, my food intake was the only thing I could control, and at my lowest point I weighed 8 1/2 stone, so I have "been there" too, although not to the degree that you have.

What does K think? Does she want you to continue as you are, or get some help.

Also, I am concerned about your comment that you did not tell your psychiatrist everything. It is extremely difficult to discuss everything with somebody, but maybe one of the reasons that you are not getting satisfaction from the help offered is that you have not divulged everything.

I fully appreciate that the reasons for your illness are complicated, and you have many things to address, but if you are really serious about getting better then you have to make yourself more open to help.

I think Meg is right, and that your doctor has referred you, despite your wishes for funding reasons.

Avoiding the issue and not attending your appointment tomorrow will only make the situation worse. Not going is a practically guaranteed way of getting somebody knocking at your door.

Tell your doctor what you have said here. Explain that you no longer feel you can trust her, and ask her the reasons for her actions. Second guessing people is never a good idea.

If it helps you could try printing this post off and giving it to your doctor to read. When my depression got out of control, I couldn't express it verbally, and printed off my post and gave it to my therapist, and sat and cried as she read it!

You had been doing so well, and it has been really great to see you on so many meets ups. Please think back to all you have achieved this year, and consider accepting the help that is offered.

How do you know that the treatment route you want to take will defintely work and the route that has been suggested won't? I am not saying that you are wrong, but I think that you have to be a bit more open to the help on offer if you are to make a recovery

Love

Charlie

Nemesis - Rita QofS I JFDI'd THEM!!!!!!

[Karen]

Thanks for your reply Ray.

Yes I do remember the list of positive comments but I feel even less like any of those describe me at the moment. If any of those descriptions were actually true then I wouldn't be hurting people and causing worry.

If they were true then I wouldn't be alone. Mum wouldn't have rejected me and dad wouldn't treat me the way he does. K would love me and want to see me, and I wouldn't act so terribly towards her.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">And K has not said she hates you or anything like that.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Ok so she didn't say that, but I don't think she wants to know me or have a closer relationship with me. I feel like I am demanding her attention and leaving her no option but to keep in contact. I don't deserve such kindness from her.

The situation with my doctor has panicked me and I am still convinced that nothing good is going to come from this. All that has happened since I involved doctors and psychiatrists is that I've been more stressed and anxious, and have had more panic attacks about it. I need to avoid all of them.

I am not denying that I need help with my anorexia, but not from them and not in a psychiatric hospital. There has to be another way.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Lottie32]

Karen, I am by no means an expert in these matters, but can I make another suggestion?

Would tackling things in "sections" be a solution?

We discussed the other day your low self esteem issues, and Ray is so right about your positive points (even if you can't seem to see any of them at the minute)

Would a solution be to use the CMHT for CBT to tackle the low self esteem initially???? Would helping you to feel better about yourself be a way of helping you to tackle the other issues?

I have used CBT to tackle, separately, panic, anxiety and low self esteem, and my experiences have been very positive (I know that this doesn't mean that it will work for everybody, but in general, it seems to have a very positive outcome for a lot of people).

If you felt better about yourself in general, do you think that you would have more strength to tackle your other issues?

I know we are just a group of people connected only by the tenuous link of being members of NMP, but I hope that you feel the support and encouragement for you.

Be strong, and go to the doctors tomorrow. Best of luck


Charlie

Nemesis - Rita QofS I JFDI'd THEM!!!!!!

[Karen]

Hi Charlie

Thanks for your replies.

It is so difficult to explain my feelings for K in a way that is easy to understand. K is special and an essential part of my life. It is like needing air to breathe, I need K to live. It is true that she is a valued source of support, comfort, help and advice, however it is also more than that. I feel this connection to her and have done from the minute I read some of her replies to others on another forum I use.

My feelings for her are the result of an obsessive attachment issue I have, which I learnt through another therapist is likely due to the way my mum rejected me all my life. As I was growing up I started forming these attachments with women as a means of coping with my emotional distress at receiving no love or comfort at home.

So, although K is a therapist and not officially treating me, what I feel for her goes way beyond that. Yes, I trust her and feel able to tell her anything. I rely on her and she has been helping and supporting me, but she also gives me the will to keep fighting. There have been a number of occasions this year when I've felt I've reached rock bottom and felt suicidal. It is K who has helped me come through those times. Just knowing she is there and my hopes about the 'special' relationship I have with her somehow get me through. I realise most of what I think about our relationship is fantasy, but she is meeting my need to be loved, comforted and cared for.

What I get with K I could not therefore experience with a therapist and, in fact, it would not really be helpful for me to become so attached to a therapist anyway. I have been seeing a private therapist who was recommended by K, and I do trust her and have valued her help and support.

I am glad you have had such positive experiences with the CMHT. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same. Over the years I have had many dealings with them and psychiatrists, because I have had some of these problems since childhood. I have had some very bad experiences with psychiatrists and other members of mental health teams.

I don't really want to go into this again because it is upsetting and makes me feel more anxious, however I have been passed from therapist to therapist and they have nearly all told me it is my fault I remain ill and that I don't want to get better - most of these comments came because I have such difficulty with verbal communication and they believed I was not speaking deliberately and being uncooperative.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It takes time to develop a bond with somebody. At the minute you are denying yourself a chance at recovery by having decided already that you cannot accept any of the help that may be on offer.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

The reality is that there is no help on offer from them apart from admission to hospital. I originally asked for the referral in order to see a psychologist for CBT. The psychiatrist assessed me and firstly wanted to put me on antidepressants, which I have had so many times in the past without any benefit, and then tried to convince me to agree to hospital admission.

The social worker and CPN from the CMHT didn't want to get involved with seeing me and told the psychiatrist there was 'no need' for them to see me. I was twice referred for day hospital support and twice this was refused - I was told I am not enough of a crisis case to justify a place there.

A referral for CBT was also refused as being 'inappropriate'.

At my last appointment with the psychiatrist she again wanted me to agree to go into hospital and warned me that if my BMI falls below 13, my health deteriorates, or if I deteriorate in any way then my doctor would have to refer me back for an assessment under the Mental Health Act and this would lead to me being sec

[Lottie32]

Karen

I do totally understand your concerns. I have never been a believer in being "forced" to get better. To a much lesser degree, I have had experience of that with some of the ways my parents tried to "help" me. Forcing an agrophobic to leave the house doesn't help!!!! At all!!!! So I do understand entirely when you express concern about the regimes that are used in some hospitals.

I still think that you should print this post off in its entirety and let your GP read it, particularly if you have issues expressing yourself.

I'm very sorry that you have had such a bad experience with your CMHT and CBT. Maybe you should move to Derbyshire, where the CMHT are really good!!!!!

Maybe once you've had your consultation and explained to the doctor that your anorexia isn't a disease in its own right, but symptomatic of numerous issues, which all need to be treated in order for you to become "well" again, she will be able to influence the CMHT.

I do understand your attachment to K. The point I am trying to put over is that if you work more on your self esteem, you will find that your attachment to K lessens, and you are able to make more friends, who can also support you. Whilst I don't mean to sound my own trumpet, the fact that I have lots of very good, understanding and supportive friends has helped me immeasurably. However, it wasn't until I sorted out my self esteem issues that I have felt able to "use" them. Previously, I "coped" (or should that be existed) on my own. Now I have the confidence to phone up and suggest meeting, instead of previously when I sat at home waiting and hoping somebody would call me. It is entirely understandable that you have "latched" on to somebody to replace your mother. Unfortunately, despite desperately wanting to be my mums best friend, I felt much closer to my gran, and still miss her desperately. I am trying very hard at the minute to "get" my mum, and hope that she returns this, and we go out weekly for tea. I hope that all is not lost

I am glad that you realise that there are lots of people on this site who are concerned about you, wish you well and want to support you as much as possible.

Ray did have a point though, when he mentioned your appointment and your thoughts running ahead of you. Try not to panic until you have seen the doc, and make sure you discuss everything with her. If it helps why not start making a list now of all the points you need to talk about with her.

Stay strong

Charlie

Nemesis - Rita QofS I JFDI'd THEM!!!!!!

[Karen]

Feeling worse this morning and so scared about seeing my doctor. I took the last of my sleeping pills last night in an attempt to get some proper sleep for the first time in several days, but I was still waking every hour and having horrible dreams.

Now I am experiencing high anxiety and pain, not only about the appointment but also I am having internet connection problems again. I am so scared something bad is going to happen at the doctor's this morning and then I won't be ablet to get online to contact K about it.

I am feeling so low and just don't want to face any of this. I need K.

Better send this before my connection cuts off again.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Quirky]

Thinking of you today Karen.
Hope it goes ok at the doctors.
Lisa x

[tammyg]

Morning Karen,

hope it goes ok for you today. Let us know how you get on.

Tammy x