Tearing Us Apart

[Darren]

My wife has suffered with Anxiety for 7 years and I am at my wits end knowing what to do for the best.

It first reared it's ugly head after I had recovered from a bout of depression and she was practically a prisoner in our home for a year. Due to her own grit and determination she did manage to get out of the house and return to work.

The problem is we appear to have hit a brick wall preventing any further progress, there are still issues despite her being able to get out now, we are not able to plan anythibng such as holiday or day trips as the build up increases her anxiety, when we do go out it is planned with military precision as I have to know at the drop of a hat where the nearest toilet is as one of the symptoms is a belief that she needs to go to the loo. My wife also has anxieties around money, appearance.

Talking to her tonight she feels she is right back at the beginning again, this makes me feel so desperately sad, we used to do so much together, now we live a parallel existence. I really don't know where to turn for more help, she has a CPN who just says she is coping, she won't take medication because of the side effects. Because of other non related conditions she has to go to hospital occasionally, this is a traumatic experience with tears and anger, no matter how much we try to explain nobody seems to realise that communication goes a long way to alleviate her fears. She has to go back to hospital soon and I am dreading it.

I have tried to be with her every step of the way but because of a couple of spells of depression I have found that I need to get out more, this makes me feel selfish as she can't get out t enjoy herself.

If I am completely honest my patience with the anxiety is running out, I love my wife and have so much admiration for her determination, I have cried at times when she has phoned me to tell me she has achieved something but I feel I am mourning the life we used to share together. At times I have questioned whether I can manage to continue as we are but I hold on to the thought that she is still the same person with this awful monster dictating how she leads her life.

I have asked several times for help with practical steps that I can make to help her leap that next hurdle that would perhaps allow both of us to go away for a break together. Nobody seems to be able to give me any suggestions.

Darren

Life's not a rehearsall, you only get one opportunity.

[in1peace]

Hi Darren!
I am so sorry for you. I can feel the desperation in your post! I wish I could make things better for you! It's not right that the anxiety monster has to run your life.
My opinion may be different from others around here (and I really respect people at this site who won't use medication and are trying therapy instead), but I would highly suggest meds. I know she is concerned about side effects. I was too. I was so frightened by panic/anxiety that I could not even sleep at night. I started on depression medication and it made all the difference in the world!! What I would suggest is that she try medication temporarily. Really. If she could just get on medication long enough, she could see how gigantic this disorder is and how easily it can shrink down to a manageable size. Then, while she's on medication, she can learn coping skills that she can use as she gets weaned off the medication.
Darren, I'm wishing you the best! This isn't easy. I know. Are either of you seeing a psychologist? This would be really. REALLY beneficial to saving your marriage I think!
Take care!
Keep us posted!
Best wishes,
Andrea

"Honey, if ya ain't feelin' the bumps in the road, ya ain't goin' nowhere!" (A wise Georgia Granny's take on living life to the fullest! LOL!)

[Gareth]

Hi Darren,

I really feel for you on this one... but for me I can speak from the other side of this situation.
I began experiencing anxiety in March of this year, mine is different from your wife's in that it doesn't stop me doing anything really, but is a constant state of tension and dread that radically affects my mood. I had become obsessed with it and what I should be doing with regards to treatment, and it was only in August of this year that I began to see the effect this was having on my marriage.
My wife had become depressed herself because the man she married was effectively gone, all I talked about was how i was feeling and what I should be doing to fix it.
A happy, talkative, equal marriage had turned overnight into two people obsessing over one issue (i.e. my illness), and it was wearing us both down and pulling us further and further away from each other.
We have come close to falling apart because of this, but in recent weeks things have been a little better.

I think the only thing that has brought us back from the brink is talking. We have talked and talked and been completely honest with each other, and probably have found a more open relationship through all of this misery. I have worked really hard at coming back to my wife, coming away from my own internal misery and engaging in the relationship again, and she has worked hard at trying to understand what is going on in my head. We are better than we were a couple of months ago and right now that is a huge victory.

I think that realising how unhappy I was making my wife, and the realisation that it was something within my control that was doing it, has pulled me together a little and got me trying to be more positive, which for anxiety sufferers is a must - positive thinking is the only way to get past these problems.

I would say, for your situation, that some kind of treatment is a must for your wife now. It sounds like you've done really well to get past difficulties in the past but most people cannot get over these problems without some help. A visit to the doctor to talk about the options of CBT and/or medication could well be your next step. You should go with her so that you can give a balanced view on what is going on.

And finally, just to say that although it may not appear so all the time, I can guarantee you that your wife values you and the love and support you give to her higher than anything else in the world. She is so grateful, and would love to be able to give you back the same level of support, but just can't right now.

I am told my ex-sufferers that these problems don't last forever, so keep the faith and keep hope, you will be rewarded for your loyalty and love in the future,

be well,
Gareth

*** I think, therefore I'm anxious ***

[alexis]

Hi Darren, first of all I would like to agree with Andrea, I fought medication for months and months and looking back now I realise for me that was wrong, since ive been on them I am much better and scare myself sometimes when I look back and realise just how bad I really was.
Meg will come soon and offer advice on naturals too.
My husband deserves a medal because I could not have lived with me!!
I still do not go out socially but Ive tried, yet I can do other things that are harder for want of a better word, eg holidays and I am in the process of planning a trip to London alone, but meeting up with guys from here when I get there for the conference.I always have a back up plan and a plan to back up the back up plan, lol
I know this may sound like it is me but I just want you to know I have been there and can see from both sides.
Will she come on this site because that is a great help, also the chat room here, Id never been in a chat room in my life before here and it gave me a wonderful feeling to know these people were having a laugh yet all suffered.
You are doing a wonderful job in supporting her, pm if there is anything else I can do or if your wife just wants to talk to somebody, Im alwways here, take care,


love from Alexisxxxx

[carlin]

Hi Darren,
I read your post and it made me cry, so much of it i could associate with! My husband tries so hard to be patient, and has done for many years, but he gets so frustrated, it is so very hard for him to understand how a lively, laughing, lovable women sometimes is unable to cross a busy road. I am sorry i have no sound advice for you, maybe gentle explain that, by you going out for a few hours sometimes helps you to relax, don't make her feel guilty that she is unable to come with you and try not to feel bad for leaving her for a few hours and please keep up with whatever you are doing, encourage her, cuddle her, everything you have been doing for all of these years. She sounds as if she has come a long way, and you seem to be a very caring loving husband. As for the hospital visit, i would be exactly the same, could you ring in advance and speak to some-one there? sounds stupid, but people do help if they know the set-up. take care and keep in touch xxxxx

[eeyorelover]

Hi darren-
I am wondering if she has ever come to this site? I know that just knowing that there are other people out there who feel the same way I do has really helped me. I know that you want to help and you obviously love her very much but it is so easy when you are in the middle of panic to push everyone away because it is easier to suffer alone then to feel that you are also effecting everyone around you. I know that I felt horribly guilty that I was keeping my family from going places and doing things that they enjoyed and the guilt leads to more panic. It's a neverending cycle.
It is very hard to support someone when you want so much for them to get better and there doesn't seem to be much improvment. It almost makes one feel like either they haven't tried hard enough or that they have failed and that isn't the case. Panic is a state of mind that can take a really long time to get a handle on. I've been working at it for almost 14 years. But now I have a job and can go most anywhere without panic. It took alot of work on my part and my husband and I did seperate for a time because of it. But we are doing so well now and I have never been happier in my life. I tell you this not to brag but so that you will know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Please rememeber that she is still the woman that you fell in love with. It may seem that she has changed but all the differences that you are seeing in her are attempts to avoid panic. Which by the way never works. It always seems to sneak up on you anyway. I was housebound cuz I convinced myself that if I just stayed in the house I would be ok - I wasn't.
As far as medication, that is a personal decision that the two of you and a doctor should make. There are natural remedies that she could try too, that might help her.
I know that this is a stressful time in your life and if you need to talk to someone, just let me know. We are all are to support each other.

Sandy
(eeyorelover)

If the world didn't suck... we'd all fall off

[Darren]

Thanks for all of your kind words, we have seen a counsellor this week, I am lucky enough to work for an employer who has a free counselling service.

Made both of us realise that despite everything there is still a lot of love deep down just things getting in the way. My wife has said she will get back in touch with her CPN and chase up the CBT she is waiting for. This is just the start but I felt more positive after the session.

Life's not a rehearsal, you only get one opportunity.

[bluebottle]

Well done Darren for not burying your head in the sand, and well done to you both for going for counseling.

Try that medication, it won't be for ever, and your wife will feel much better.

--
Blue -
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."

[Antipodes]

Hi Darren,

I'm very sorry too, to hear about your situation. I'm a PTSD-er (an anxiety disorder) and have suffered the fate of my beloved leaving me because of CF (caregiver fatigue or caregicver burnout.). It must be so hard, and frustrating for you.

I found a very effective med that zapped my anxiety and was totally free of side effects. I'm not on it any more because I needed something that would also get my mood and emotions working again. The med was Moclobemide and it is refrrred on NMP. It's worth thinking about.

On the matter of your own fatigue, may I suggest you ckeckout the websites at realtionshipsinstitute and PTSD.org there is some useful literature on minimising and dealing with a loved one in this situation.

I hope she becomes more settled soon.

sincerely

Antipodes

[darkangel]

Hi Darren
You seem strong, committed and such an understanding person. I have been suffering with anxiety & panic attacks a long time and my husband did not understand or even read up on anxiety and he was unable to help and support me. I think it shows what a determined person you are and i hope everything works out well for you. Just being there for her and showing empathy will really help to comfort and support her. Sometimes just a big hug can ease away some of the pain.
I am now in a new relationship where my boyfriend has depression and PTSD and is quite ill at the moment. I now find myself having to be strong and supportive to him and at times it tears me apart, feeling helpless and unable to take away his pain. I know how important it is to take even more care of myself and build in relaxation periods and time-out periods to keep myself well - this is difficult when i suffer anxiety and panic attacks as well.
Take care of yourself Darren so you can remain strong to help your partner. Good luck with everything and together you and your partner will get through this.

Darkangel x

........life is for living not just for surviving