New Member Intro - MissManatee
Hello and wishing a calm and relaxing day to everyone reading this! I just joined and I thought I'd introduce myself before I start posting in the forums. Hope it doesn't sound too much like an AA introduction (My name is Robbin, and I have a panic disorder - hehe)... I'm happy to have found this forum because I've never before connected with someone who suffered from my problem and I'd like to have support but also help those when I'm on my better days.
About my panic attacks:
-First panic attack was 10 years ago, and landed me in the hospital because I thought I was dying. Went through a few years of having the panic attacks almost all day long every day, until I read a book and did some CBT by myself (ask me about it if you want - too much to type here).
-Although I was able to reduce my panic attacks, they never fully left and have just become a cruddy part of my life.
-Usually they come from a trigger. My triggers are: Feeling sick, any change in my health that causes me to worry it's something serious (eg. a bump is a tumor, a sore throat is throat cancer, pain in my chest is a heart attack), too much caffeine, lack of sleep/insomnia.
-I have gone to two days of therapy and have never taken pills (for more than one day) even tho i have a bottle of citalopram sitting in my cabinet. I am too scared to take them.
-How I deal with my attacks: Warm bath, deep breathing, distraction (with the internet or tv), forcing myself to laugh or smile, chamomile tea, accepting that a panic attack is happening and just letting it ride out, and positive affirmations: remind myself that i have survived this **** for 10 years so I can take on anything. However, the biggest thing that helps me through is having a sense of humor.
Some other things I deal with besides panic attacks (or as a result of them):
-Feeling disconnected from the world - feeling like I don't belong here. Feeling like the only person in the world who I am connected to is my mom, and she moved to an island away from me and never tries to spend time with me now.
-Serious fear of death. Obsess about it, actually. Also a fear of losing my mom because I can't imagine being able to handle that.
-Depressive ups and downs, where an up will mean that I feel proactive and great and mostly like I'm over my panic attacks and issues, and a down will leave me slumped on the floor holding a knife while bawling and screaming hysterically and begging god to kill me because I don't have the guts to do it myself. I'm not telling you that for attention or sympathy - I don't ever talk about this part of it because I am ashamed. I just want someone who has ever felt like that to know someone else out there has to.
Well, I think that is the most personal and open intro I've ever given in my life, so... I guess it's easy to tell strangers. But I hope to make some friends here who would like to share some mutual support. I have made it through very severe panic attacks, and I remember how horrified and lost I felt when they first started so if you need someone to talk to or try to help you through it - let me know.
Pardon the lengthy intro and thanks for reading. 
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to NMP. Glad that you have found us. You will find comfort and support here.
