Hello,
I don't know what I want to post, really, so I'll probably just ramble on as usual.
I seemed to have a 'good' day yesterday, I even seemed to feel quite happy, which makes me feel guilty, and now, this morning I have woken up feeling really down. I know its early days and I keep thinking back to this time last week, when I was in labour and I at least got to see my baby. It is so hard knowing that I will never see him again and also I keep thinking about him being in Birmingham for his post mortem. I'm so lost, with my emotions. On the outside, as usual, I am getting on as normal, but inside, I want to still be pregnant and I don't know how I am going to get rid of the feeling. I keep thinking, I would be 18weeks now then, in another two weeks I would be going for my 20wk scan and what am I going to be like at Christmas and then on the day I should have had my caesarean, 24th March????? Strangely, although I've noticed some, the ectopics haven't been as bad as I thought they would be???
I had to go back to work yesterday, the girl who was going to cover had family committments and couldn't cover any more and apart from closing, I had little choicel. Considering I run a baby shop, I think I coped quite well. I did find myself looking longingly at the baby boys clothes and now I'm thinking about the moses baskets and putting him into one of them when I bring him home from hospital, but that will never happen now.
Things with my husband had reaced breaking point by Sunday. He had been very distant towards me, and also very irritated by me. He was snapping at the slightest thing. Our friends came round Sunday night (the girl who had been with me last night and her husband). We have only known each other since December but she said to me in hospital that its as if we've always known each other and we're more like sisters. I'm so lucky to have such good friends. Anyway, back to the point my hubby and Jo's hubby went out for a drink and we stayed in and had a good chat. I had been researching my parents wedding date on the internet and a strange thing happened, a Bishop from the church they married in, e-mailed me and said he had known them and it felt so comforting to be in communication with someone who could talk to me about them. I asked if he could possibly perform the funeral for Reece and the Rev'd., e-mailed me back with the Bishops number. Try to cut a long story short, when hubby came back tried to explain but all I said was, 'this mans sent me his phone number' didn't get anymore out and he wouldn't give me chance to explain and he flew of the handle, in front of our friends. It turned into a long night with me and Jo in one room and the two men in the other. Luckily Jo's hubby was really good and talked and talked to mine. Eventually they went home bout 1.30am and I stayed on the settee all night. When he got up (he should have been in work at 7am) we really started to talk properly, he cried a lot, and managed to get our closeness back. At least that is one good thing. I think, for him, it had brought to a head losing Cory and his affair and he had realised he hadn't treated me very nice at some points, during the last three years. He is now much more open and I feel that our marriage won't end because of this.
I have now decided to take a regualar part-time member of staff for my shop, to give myself more time with my children. It has made me realise that although my business is important, my children have to come first and if it cost me £100 a week, then so be it. I'm just hoping I can find someone soon. I am being careful at work, and I won't lift anything, so hopefully, I haven't gone back too early. Meg, do you know the guidelines on this??
Better get off now after I've bored you all silly.
Take care and thanks for reading,
Love, linda.x
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