Will i ever find true love..

[Bill]

I am sure there is a lovelly careing girl out there for me, i just want someone i can cherish, love and look after and cuddle up with.. its not to much to ask.

No, it's not too much to ask. In fact, I'm quite sure there'a girl out there who's asking for the same as you who is also losing hope of ever findng "you".

Well, you better go and find her before it's too late for both of you!

Never let past bad experiences or fear from the past determine your future. Each time we fall, we need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down and keep trying otherwise happiness will always elude us because anxiety will keep us standing still in misery.

Life is too short Dan to allow others who have treated us so badly in our past to stop us finding happiness in the future.

Like I say, she IS out there. You just have to reach out and find her because she's waiting for you and when you do find her, she'll feel she's the luckiest girl on the planet to have such a loving caring man as you!....of that I have No doubts whatsoever!

When you meet her, just be "you" because she'll soon discover she'll need no other! Promise me you won't let her always be alone because you didn't go and find her! You promise?

[Desprate Dan]

Hi mate
I found the love of my life and it all went pear shaped and it hurts real bad so am thinking of giving it up. Just got a baby jack russell only woman in my life! Take it easy mate getting well is the priority for me

I am really sorry to hear that Paul, life seem's so hard on us at times, it seems that i have had more heartache than fun in my life, and at times honestly i wish i had never been born in the first place, because we have no choice we get brought into this world and it seems all i have ever done is fight my way through. I am sure given time you will find happiness and you and your jack russel will find a lovelly caring girl to give you the love and support you need but for now you get yourself better matey...

Thanks again for all your Kind words i feel humbled to be in a place were people actually care for each other, my Anxiety brought me here and now i can speak about my problems without fear and with like minded people who also have problems too.

Bill thank you, and i promise, like i said before you are a star, i am sure you were put on this earth to make us all feel better, you seem a top bloke who speaks from the heart with good positive solutions to our problems..

I know life is what you make it, but unfortunately i seem to make it hard work, "I look at other couples and think i wish i was happy like them" But the truth is i am frieghtend to give it a chance just incase it all goes wrong..
and if it does go right, i have these thoughts which i know are irrational but i cant help them, " If you truely love someone and worship the ground they walk on" how on earth if something was to happen to them or they realised they didnt love you anymore" how could you possibly survive the pain.. And like wise if anything were to happen to me i feel the pain of the girl i would of left behind, how would she cope??

I witnessed this first hand my father died and my mam and dad were so in love The world didnt end for her, but i felt so much pain not only for me loseing my dad but i carried the pain for my mam, she must of been broken inside when the person you live for is taken away from you how do you cope... I guess this is another thing which is holding me back, i couldnt bear being hurt like that and i couldnt bear hurting anyone else like that, i know if you die you cant possibly help hurting someone but they will be still hurting all the same..

Its just another hurdel i need to get over, and i really hope there is a girl out there who feels the way i do and understands me, life is for living and loveing and not for worrying..

Now the question is were do i find this special girl because i couldnt handle going through failed relationship after failed relationship until i finally find the right one...


Thank you for reading.

Desprate Dan

[bluesparkle]

hi dan
i read your post yesterday but wanted to go and think about what to write...come back today and you have loads of replies...all very posative,
when i first read your post it could have been me writing it...(but other way round as i am female).
it has taken me along time to get over the past and it does still haunt me but i know i am stronger and better than that and so are you hun.
if i find anouther partner i will not put up with second best, if they cannot give me the respect i deserve.treat me right and except me for me then thats their problem.
as many have said you sound a truly lovely person...
there is someone out there for each of us... i do not have the answer as to where to find them and for the time being have given up looking ...just try to enjoy life and become truely well in yourself...they will turn up in our lives somewhere.
i just want to echo whats been said really and that is the problem is NOT you it is the people that have been around you.
you hang on in there mate and things will come right ok...
also yes here is a lovely caring place and you will get all the help and support you want.
dont ever feel alone...as its hard to do sometimes when you see everyone else (well it feels like everyone else) with partners...you have got all of us behind you.
rach
x

[Desprate Dan]

hi dan
i read your post yesterday but wanted to go and think about what to write...come back today and you have loads of replies...all very posative,
when i first read your post it could have been me writing it...(but other way round as i am female).
it has taken me along time to get over the past and it does still haunt me but i know i am stronger and better than that and so are you hun.
if i find anouther partner i will not put up with second best, if they cannot give me the respect i deserve.treat me right and except me for me then thats their problem.
as many have said you sound a truly lovely person...
there is someone out there for each of us... i do not have the answer as to where to find them and for the time being have given up looking ...just try to enjoy life and become truely well in yourself...they will turn up in our lives somewhere.
i just want to echo whats been said really and that is the problem is NOT you it is the people that have been around you.
you hang on in there mate and things will come right ok...
also yes here is a lovely caring place and you will get all the help and support you want.
dont ever feel alone...as its hard to do sometimes when you see everyone else (well it feels like everyone else) with partners...you have got all of us behind you.
rach
x

Thank you so much Rach, i really do hope you find the right person to make you truely happy, i am certain you will do in time, you sound like a really lovelly caring girl (Not trying to chat you up..lol).. And i am going to take your advice and work really hard to sort out the things which hold me back and then hopefully love will come my way too, i need to be stronger and a more confident person, because really i know you and others say its not my fault but in away i should take some responsibility as i should of stood up for myself the first time, but next time i will be ready.....

Thank you

Dan x

[paullong]

Hi Dan
Just popped back in! Some great replies here...
Just wanted to say i think this horrible illness we all share takes away the real us, the personality and the happiness and confidence. Thats the reason ive given up looking for someone at least for the time being. If i met someone now they wouldnt be meeting the real me so am taking time out to get the real me back and i look on that as a positive thing.
The past is the past and should remain where it is in the past. It cant be changed so we should try not to dwell on it. The future is all we can control. Unfortunately with anx/depression we always dwell on the bad things and the past seems to follow us around like a scruffy mongrel! Trick is to tell it to go away. Aint worked that bit out yet but when i do the real me will be back.
Take care mate nothings that bad

[Bill]

Dan

Four years ago next month I lost my father. My parents had known each other over 60 years so you can imagine how upset my mother was to lose him. Even the lady undertaker was choked up because she could feel her pain.

This year my mother was also diagnosed with an incurable illness and as I'm the only local son, it's down to me keep an eye on her but I wouldn't have that any other way even though at times I feel greatly upset.

I have also cared for my wife for nearly 20 years now and just recently her "behaviour" has become worse due to her illness so I'm feeling under a great deal of strain.

Our dog is also over 15 now so in the back of my mind I know he won't go on forever.

I feel like there is a storm brewing and I can't do anything to prevent it. All I can do is try and enjoy every moment I have both my mother and our dog.

My point? No matter how much we try to avoid hurt, hurt will always find us but it's something we need to "accept" as a part of living or we never live our lives.

Hurt is my constant faithful companion. He's always there with me every day but I know there's nothing I can do other than to accept him as a part of me.

There's a song in the film called "Carousel".........Just listen to the words.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOQyEPnyJAE

Then listen to the words to this song from the actual film...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66Mvv...eature=related

I have never been lucky in love but I don't want you to suffer the same fate due to fear of hurt. I Really want you to be happy and in love before it's too late.

Life is for loving and enjoying life no matter what the end will always be. To live life without love seems pointless to me so rather than waste a life feeling alone, it's better to be loved and to give love than to never having either due to fear of hurt.

You have to remember to not make choices for others. Let them decide if they want to love you all their lives because they won't want to live life alone just like you.

If you contact MIND, they often hold anxiety groups. You'd be very likely to meet someone who would appreciate you in such a group. Also I've heard that ClassicFM have something on their site called "Duets" where you could find the woman who's waiting for you if you like classical music that is!...but of course there are lots of online groups. You just need to find the courage but the rewards would be more than worth it both for you And her. Just keep Trying no matter what! Sometimes we have to search in many places before we find the special precious treasure but it's always worth looking for.

A poem I wrote some time ago which may give you food for thought........perhaps you'd like to give it to the woman you Will find and fall in love with.....

One shining pearl

Where would we be without love?
This small piece of comfort brought on the wings of a dove,
Would there be any meaning to life?
All that would be left, just stress and strife,
A lonely existence too much to bear,
Tomorrow the same as the next with no one to share,

Walking in a crowd of noisy silence,
Each persons thoughts thousands to the second,
All afraid to speak, hidden in pretence,
Not knowing who is foe and who is friend,
Looking over their shoulders in a life of distrust,
Each person tarnished with the same suspicious brush,

To love; the most precious jewel on earth,
An invaluable treasure of immeasurable worth,
So rare a commodity, so hard to find,
Every day lived with your nose to the grind,

A fleeting look, a sudden gaze,
A beauty to behold of wondrous praise,
To find love in this world of so many yet so few,
One shining pearl amid the morning droplets of dew,
It should be collected and treasured above all cost,
Before time freezes it into ice and frost,
For once found, it should never be lost.

[Desprate Dan]

Awww Bill, i got a little choked up reading your post and listening to the words from the songs and reading your poem. Why am i such a sensitive guy and i see it as a weakness in me..

You seem to have such a good understanding of others, and what you say is so true and i agree whole heartedly "We cant hide from hurt it will eventually find us anyway" and if i am honest hurt is with me every day now so i should be trying to rid myself of hurt and bring love and enjoyment back into my life....

I am currently doing CBT (one to one) and i have to set myself target, my first target was to be a more assertive person than a passive person, so i can voice my opinion and not feel bad, i have the right to do this just like anyone else to say what i feel and get my point across in a polite but possitive manner..

Bill thanks again you have given me my next target "Accepting hurt" my therapist said i should think what my next target will be and now i know..

You give so much comfort to others and inside you have so much to deal with yourself, but yet you stay strong and positive, i really feel for you Bill and wish you well and the strength you need to cope, it must really be hard for you..

Like you said in your post hurt is my faithful companion and is with me everyday, but we could also make happiness our faithful companion too, it might sound like we are cheating on hurt, but i dont think hurt will mind to much....

Thanks again Bill you have helped me more with your posts than you can possibly imagine, i think i will carry a little Bill around in my head from now on and when i am faced with a problem i can ask "what would Bill do".. I just think i need to build up my confidence in myself and confidence in others and i will be just fine..

Thanks to everyone for the support and kind reasuring words it means a lot to me, to find such a place like this were people are willing to help and support each other is a great comfort to me..

Take Care

Dan

[peggy27]

Some people are just horrible!!
You have had a couple of horrible experiences, but you mustnt let it get you down anymore. The world is full of wonderful caring lovely people just like you. You have your whole life ahead of you!
Stop worrying about whats happenned in the past, you have just had a horrible time of it, and its clearly not your fault.
Stop thinking of getting a girlfriend for a while, get yourself back on track, and just think about you and where your life is.
When you least expect it, someone will find you. Make the most of being on your own for a while, get to know the real you!! Be an independent happy single person for a while.
Look after yourself, nurture youself. Build up your confidence for a while before looking again.
The best time I had was when I was on my own for a few months, I managed to regroup, and find peace with myself. Its great, you can do what you want, when you want! Please yourself for a while!

You sound like a lovely bloke!! Brush yourself down, and look in the mirror, tell yourself how gorgeous you are, and how lucky any woman would be to get YOU!!
Good Luck xx

[peggy27]

Sorry that was quite a lot of waffle, and you are so right, you need time to find the real you again. I reackon thats so important.
Been where you are, and it feels horrible when you feel so fed up and lonely, and ask yourself what it is that you mustve done, like its your fault that people treat you that way. Obviously it isnt.
All the best
Pxx

[Bill]

Dan

I just think i need to build up my confidence in myself and confidence in others and i will be just fine..

I think you've summed it up nicely there! Confidence is Very Important because without it, we constantly doubt ourselves and everyone around us and doubt then causes worry which leads to our fears which keep us trapped!

Something that Peggy says...When you least expect it, someone will find you.

There is a saying - "The more we want something, the more it will run away from us". Have you ever seen a face or place but the name just won't come to mind and the more you chase it, the more it runs away?..then suddenly when you're not thinking about it, it comes to you? I "think" this is something to do with allowing the subconscious to process things, just like trying to decide about something, walking aay and coming back to it.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is sometimes when we want something really badly, we end up trying Too hard. We make it So important to us that we create tension for ourselves so that when the situation arrives, we just can't relax so things won't go right.

Sometimes as Peggy says, things happen for us when we "send a wish" then try to forget it and let things happen naturally because they're more likely to occur when we are relaxed and just being ourselves. Sometimes finding a "friend" first can become a liftetime partner so what I'm trying to say is look for ways to socialise in a group because you never know what will result.

You ask yourself what would I do? Well, I think I'd look for an anxiety group held by MIND. There's one in my area. That way I'd meet people I know would understand me. If I couldn't find one, I'd probably ask the mental health team in they knew where one was. I'd probably also think about the things I enjoy doing and look for groups that have the same interests. There are also singles groups that meet up for friendship who go out together doing different things together.

I must admit though, meeting others holds no fear for me because I love meeting people and chatting! but would you believe, when I first started work, my boss told me I'd never speak unless spoken to because I was so shy! I found I built my confidence through knowledge because I was asked to train people and hold meetings. I think if we don't socialise, we lose confidence because we lose our ability to interact with others. I really feel you need to meet people and your confidence will shoot up!

I couldn't agree more with Peggy....
You sound like a lovely bloke!! Brush yourself down, and look in the mirror, tell yourself how gorgeous you are, and how lucky any woman would be to get YOU!!