Joining with anxiety after disaster year!

[dottytoots]

Hi all

I am joining this forum as I am working hard to get my anxiety and panic attacks under control.

Quick history of causes:
Mum diagnosed with PND after my birth and this developed to severe depression and Bipolar.
Mum very keen to blame me for her illness and treat me like an adult (her only real company being me) as a child, putting a lot of pressure on me.
But also a very loving and devoted mum.
Dad kept out of the way a lot, working and socialising, mum cut herself off and suffered with paranoia that everyone was against her.
She had religious issues too.
in 1995 when I was 19 she took an overdose and died (alleged cry for help at inquest) and she stated before going unconscious that I was better off without her.

Had a bit of a rebellious time in my 20s, Dad on the whole a brilliant parent, but we bickered a bit and sometimes argued about mum after she died.

Then at 28 I settled down with my OH and we now have 2 beautiful children (17 months and 4 months - I didnt want them to be an only child like me).

Tragically when I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter, now 4 months old, I had to get the police and ambulance to break into dad's house, only for them to find him dead of a massive heart attack. I was holding my then 11 month old son when they broke the news.

As an only child I had to organise all the official stuff and funeral myself.

Then my beautiful daughter was born so I was busy with that. In July I began suffering panic attacks. At first I thought I was having a heart attack and went to A and E.

I had many severe attacks and was prescribed Diazepam, to take only when needed. I have been very good at regulating this and havent taken a tablet for over 2 weeks now.

I am just convinced all the time that I am about to drop dead. It's awful. I am only 33, but one of my parents died at 43 and one at 57. I just feel so alone, except for my OH and my children. Inlaws not very supportive.

It's hard (but really rewarding) looking after 2 babies on my own when I am going through this anxiety, but I manage fine when the kids are up. Never had a panic attack when looking after them or when out and about, only ever in evenings at home when they are in bed.

DR has signed me off work for now with anxiety related stress.

I am pretty sure I have the waking time panic attacks under control, just having the diazepam here helps. But I do still have night time wakings with a full blown attack which are disorientating and I sometimes need a tablet, which probably hasnt even kicked in before I go back to sleep!

My Nana also died in front of me of a heart attack when I was also 19. I did CPR but she still died.

For so long I was the girl whose mum killed herself and now I am the girl whose dad dropped dead when she was 7 months pregnant. I feel for all of my adult life I have been defined by death and I hate it.

My OH has 3 grandparents and a great grandparent living, so he can give my children a Nanny, a Grandad, 3 great granparents and also a great great grandparent and I can give them nothing, but pictures of my son with my dad (he doted on him and my son gave him a new lease of life after the tragedy of losing his wife - he never met anyone else).

Sorry, I feel like violins should be playing now.

I do have 2 fantastic children and a fiance who has supported me more than anyone deserves.

Nice to join and meet people who can understand.

Dottytoots

[debs180]

Hi Dottytoots,
Welcome to NMP, i hope it helps you as it has me so many times. Im so very sorry to hear of all the tragedy in your life, it must have (and still be) very hard. Sounds like you have a lovely little family unit tho, and im glad your OH is supportive.
Welcome again, take care, Debs xx

[Dolan1989]

I am so sorry, I can't even begin to imagine how hard it would be to deal with that. Even though you may feel you're not coping so well, I think you are doing brilliantly considering what has happened. Focus on your children, I bet they are adorable! and don't let this annoying, pain in the butt, illness get you down.

Nat x

[PanicOver!!]

Hi

You have been through a lot
had similar experiences myself watching mum die of bowel cancer then year later dad diagnosed with bowel cancer, then 2 close uncles died and i had to do the official bist for them so totally understand and feel for you
sounds like you have a great family so im sure you can beat your anxiety
best wishes and welcome x

[bellabessnjet]

Hi Dottytoots,
Life sucks some times doesn't it? You've been through so much in your life. My story isn't as tragic but is filled with lots of stuff, there is one good thing your doing and should continue to, seek help. I haven't till now, and now have at least 6 years but more like 30 years of stuff to deal with (childhood etc). Dont suffer in silence go to you Drs and ask for councilling, anti-depressents if you need them or alternative meds. Please dont let it build up like I did, and also tell them exactly how you feel, dont try to be strong in front of them (some dont read between the lines). I really wish you all the best and if you ever want to chat just PM me. good luck
Angela

[Twinsmummy]

Hello Dottytoots

I'm new here too and I am so sorry for all the things you have gone through, more than any child and young adult ever should.

I am sure you will find lots of support here, I have been 'skulking' for a while and they seem endlessly kind and patient .

My sister in law lost her father from a heart attack a couple of years ago and it really threw her, she too had a young child and in the end she contacted Cruise ((SP?), the bereavement charity who gave her some immediate and I think free counselling and she said it was wonderful. I don't know if this would be any good to you but I thought I would pass on the information.

I wish you all the best
Caroline

[dottytoots]

Thank you everyone for my welcomes. And Caroline (my name too!) I am waiting for Cruise to sort something out. I actually rang them the day the news of MJ's death broke. Not that I am a huge MJ fan but a 50 year old dropping dead of (at the time believed to be) a sudden heart attack just sent me over the edge! I am still waiting and that was June. Daughter born in May and panic attacks started in July.

Anyone who met me would think I was fine as I am now skilled at putting a brave face on (which I learned after my mum died so people would stop looking at me with pity). And when I am with the kids I never have so much as an ounce of a PA. It is all my poor fiance who gets to witness it, whether I am asleep or awake.

He is great and helps me stand/kneel in ways that help me (sounds rude LOL!) and helps me blow my panic attacks away. This always happens in our garden, so no funny business here despite how it sounds!

See I still have my sense of humour. I just have horrid thoughts all the time that I am alone without my dad, who was my rock since mum died. That I am top of the tree in my family and that shouldnt happen till I am a lot older.

I also feel like I am destined to die a tragic death too soon as neither my mum or dad made it to 60!

I have had my cholesterol checked and was told it was excellent but I worry cos I used to smoke until 2 years ago when I fell pregnant and worry the damage is done. (My dad was a smoker and his DR mentioned it as a probable issue in his heart attack - he had a huge blood clot in his heart).

I also feel dreadful that I wasnt there with him when he died as I had lived with him up until 3 years ago. I had a bad feeling all day that harm had come to him. I kept ringing him and tried his friends too. Eventually I bundled my baby into the car and discovered the dreadful scene.

I feel so guilty I never went over earlier. And that he died alone. Thank God I found him the same day as he would have hated to be left alone like that overnight.

Sorry I got my violins out again. But it helps to pour it out instead of keeping it to myself cos I dont want to burden my fiance anymore than I already have.
DT

[Twinsmummy]

Dear Caroline

I understand what you mean about the children, when I am with mine I feel my most 'normal' if distracted sometimes, being on my own is the worst and I am quite a lot.

I don't have the sad past that you have had and I have had a panic attack and felt like I was going to have others but didn't, mine is more the dragging down never ending worry that something is going to happen (or at the moment is possibly happening!).

I can understand how vulnerable you feel and in a way having children seems to make it worse because now you are terrified of something happening to you and what it could do to them, so I hope Cruise get in touch with you soon and offer you some help. My only consolation would be that what your mum died of is not hereditary and your dad is now something you are aware of and you will take good care of your heart so history is not likely to repeat itself, so I would say your odds are as goods as everyones to a long and healthy life!

I hope that wasn't stepping over the line but I do really wish you a long happy healthy life with your family.
Caroline

[dottytoots]

Not all all Caroline, you hit the nail on the head with everything you said. It's weird how I am totally fine with the kids, even though a toddler and a baby are a tricky combination (as are Twins I guess LOL!) I cope fine and it has never occured to me that I would need to take my meds out of the house with me as it only ever happens at home oddly!

I hope you are right. I know my mum's wasnt hereditary (unless depression is) but I dont feel depressed, just anxious. The sad thing is I will never know what non-self inflicted cause would have ended her days, so with her dying so young (Only 10 years more than I am today!) and with dad having that sudden massive heart attack, I just guess I feel like a sitting duck waiting for the reaper! And you are so right, having kids does make you worry that you need to be there for them, and in my case I am desperate for them not to experience the "early" losses I did.

Thanks, big help and thanks to everyone else. I am trying hard to respond to posts to make a contribution in return for the support!
DT (Caroline)