What is it to be alone?

[JohnLuke300]

What is it to be alone? I sit here tonight and mull solemnly over this question. I have wanted for some time to try and express this most distressing of feelings in words. You see I am socially phobic and have been since childhood. I have no real memories of ever being non phobic, only the briefest recollections from the dimmest corners of my mind. My phobia as severely affected my ability to form relationships even within my family. This as resulted in me living as a recluse over the last eight years with very little social interactions and the social isolation led to depression and suicidal thoughts. Although since my diagnosis and treatment over the last year I have made considerable progress. I now feel that my future is not as bleak as it once looked but I am still so desolately alone. And of all the distress and difficulties that my anxiety as inflicted upon me this is by far the most grievous of wounds. I would gladly bare all my other woes for the rest of eternity if I just had some companionship. So how do I put so much pain and sorrow into words? Well here goes...

I awoke in the morning and I lifted my hand to brush the hair from your face so that I might gaze upon it.... but you were not there.
I walked out onto the landing and noticed the bathroom door was closed. I smiled and called to you not to be too long... but you did not reply.
I went downstairs and made your favorite for breakfast and hummed a tune to myself while I waited for you to join me... but you did not appear.
I walked back upstairs and called to you again... but there was only silence.
I opened the bathroom door expecting to see your warm smile and hear your playful voice chastising me for my impatience... but you had left.
I frowned and raced downstairs, I opened the front door hoping to catch a glimpse of you as you pulled off in you car... but you had already gone.
I decided to go for a walk, I went to the park and sat on the bench where we first kissed. The memory made me smile and I looked down to where I carved you name in the wood... but it was no longer there.
I watched as a young lad played with his dog. He was trying to make it return a stick he kept throwing. But he got increasingly frustrated as it
just kept cocking its head with a perplexed expression upon its face. I laughed as I though of how you would have giggled at the sight of the poor lads plight. So I took the mobile from my pocket and rang you, eager to hear your voice... but you did not answer.
I went to the shops and bought something for supper, a bottle of wine and a DVD. I made us supper, lit some candles, poured the wine and waited for you... but you did not return home.
I took the DVD out of the case. It was a romantic comedy, the one you said you wanted to watch. I know I didn't fancy it myself but I was happy to sit back on our sofa and cuddle up to you while we watched it... but you still was not here and I watched it alone.
I went up to bed and before I switched off the lamp I leaned over to kiss you good night... but I was alone.
I switched off the lamp and closed my eyes. I tried to picture you face... but I could not.
I felt so alone and I wept.

To all of you lonely souls who carry this curse, I weep for you too.

Take care,

John

[Bill]

I wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading that. It was very sad, very moving but above all, very well composed and well-written. I could feel your pain and I could relate to every word you said so very much.

In parts it reminded me of me and the things I've never had because of my wifes illness. In other parts I thought of my father, the things we used to do together and how much I miss him. And finally, I could also relate it to my mother who has 60 years of happy memories of times with my father that will never again be shared.

There is alot of hurt and pain I could feel in your post and alot I could relate with.

I wonder though if this could provide a little ray of light- how you might feel in the company of just one female who also shared your phobia. and whether you could connect because you would understand each other? Just a thought.

[Desprate Dan]

Awww John, i really feel for you because i could have easily written the same thing, only you get it across better than me, i really think at times whats life all about???

I see people and i think i wish i was walking in there shoe's, they seem so happy and content yet i feel so alone apart from the people i have met on here, i really have no female friends..
I was in a very bad relationship for 6 years and i got constantly put down and used, but sometimes in my darkest hours i long to be there again, at least i was part of something even though it was a total nightmare, i get so confused with life, i often had suicidal thoughts when i was treated so bad, and i would think if i did go through with it, would she feel the pain that she had caused me to take my own life, would she regret treating me so bad...
I know i have so much love to give, yet i am so afraid of giving it... I know it sounds crazy but, i am so affraid of reaching out in case i burn my fingers again, i really wish a girl would come looking for ,tell me how lonely she felt and how she desperately needed love and affection, and she wasnt bothered about rushing into a sexual relationship and just wanted time to relax and enjoy each others company for now. I really dont think this will ever happen and i feel the only option is to go through life wishing i was someone else, wishing i had a loving caring girl beside me and looking at others a wishing it was me.......Sorry i am just feeling down and sorry for myself this morning.... I was feeling good the last few days, but this morning its back, maybe i had just tried to hide the pain i feel inside with a happy front....

Sorry John i have probably not helped one single bit, but at least your not alone i guess there is more of us who feel like this out there, who have not found this forum or are to troubled to admit how they truly feel..

Keep the faith my friend..

Desprate Dan..

[JohnLuke300]

Hi Bill & Dan, it is fitting that you two were the first to reply to my thread as you were both the inspiration for it. I read your posts on the subject and empathized with you both but cheekily decided to break the monopoly.

Bill I appreciate your praise of my post because I have admired how articulate and insightful your posts are. And I am glad you enjoyed reading it. I liked your idea that I might share the company of a female social phobia sufferer but fear you might be setting me up for THE most uncomfortable first date in THE HISTORY of uncomfortable first dates!

Dan I know you would have written the same thing, that was why I was compelled to articulate it for you. I read it there in you posts, I could see the pain in your words, so I don't think you were doing too bad a job anyway. I am sorry that your previous relationship was such a bad one. I often think if people experienced my life they would would be more appreciative of the relationships that they have and the world would be a more harmonious place. I know you and Bill have already learned that lesson.

So keep posting guys, it reminds me I am not alone in my loneliness.

Take care,

John

[pollyanna]

I dont really think i can add anything to this post, its all been said. just that although it was sad , i enjoyed reading it. sometimes Its very difficult to write down and /or admit things that we really feel deep inside. i think it might give others, especially men the courage to say what they are really feeling inside, at the end of the day, no matter the gender, we all experience the same things.

Best wishes

P x

[JohnLuke300]

Hi Pollyanna,

Thanks for your reply and I am glad you enjoyed reading my post. But I must admit I have never had a problem saying what I feel, I just never had anyone to say it to.

Take care,

John

[diane07]

That post was so endearing, i could have actually burst into tears while reading it.

I hope that someone good comes into your life and treats you with the respect and love you deserve.

best wishes

di xx

[PoppyC]

You should try and get what you wrote published!
I cried reading that. I really felt what you wrote.
Have you ever experienced any of those things that you wrote about - about what you would like? or is it what you would like, despite everything never having had it?
I have social phobia but find my medication has really helped with that, but there are still times when I want to know no one and shut myself away and to not have to see anyone again. I am beginning with the meds to feel a lot different. The times when I have spent on my own for days with no contact with anyone, I became depressed. I still find it uncomfortable being around people at times but the more you do anything socially the less it seems so daunting - for me anyway. I went from being really outgoing and bubbly to being almost a hermit for long stretches of time in past couple of years. It didn't do me any good with anxiety and depression.
Is there anything you are involved in socially? have contact with anyone? do you work? or are you totally cut off?
You seem very sociable on this site plus interesting too. I am sure there are lots of people who would like you in their lives out there.

[JohnLuke300]

Hi Dianne & Poppy, thanks for your lovely replies to my post. My mood must have transferred to my words well because I cried as I typed it. And no Poppy, I have never experienced what I wrote about except in my dreams. My social phobia as prevented me from ever forming any female relationships. It is why I hate my illness and one day I will finally defeat it so that I might experience what up to now I have only dreamed about. My therapist helped to get me volunteer work where I am now mentoring a 13 year old lad with Aspergers and ADHD. It puts me in a lot of social situations and the other volunteers are predominantly female so it is great for exposing myself to situations I have always avoided. I am still rather reserved and timid but my confidence is slowly improving. I do 4-6 hours a week but that and this forum are my only forms of social interaction. It took me a year after discovering this site to register and start some posts. After my initial posts I became anxious and avoided the site for about 3 months before I started posting again. But now although I still get anxious I try to not avoid posting.

Take care,

John

[diane07]

Well done to you on the mentoring, what a lovely thing to do.

Hopefully in time, it will get easier and easier for you being in these situations, brave thing to do knowing that there would be times when you feel uncomfortable.

And always remember, you have lots of friends on here, that have such respect and understanding.

best wishes

di xx